You may have had that dreaded day when your greatest fear in
the relationship comes true – you’ve been cheated on. Your partner has crossed
that line and either you found the evidence, there was a confession or the
lover contacted you. You may have
suspected it, felt it, or convinced yourself that it wouldn’t happen, but it
did. And now you are left with the pains
of wondering what went wrong, questioning if it was somehow your fault. Or
perhaps you want to rage out in revenge at the lover or your partner. No matter what anyone seems to say to soothe
you, it just feels horrible.
I know because I’ve been there. Numerous times. This was before I owned my
intuition and spiritual connection or faith. I stayed, though, because there
was a part of me that was kind and forgiving, and really had no tools on how to
respond to this. I would deny it, or turn a blind eye, or suppress how it made
me feel. Or find another way to act out
the hurt I had swallowed down.
My first boyfriend, Mike, in teenage-hood was a flirt, and
apparently it had to get so bad that his friends were moved to approach me,
saying that couldn’t stand how he treated me, implying that he was cheating on
me. But I stayed, not wanting to judge
him nor did I have the guts to dump him. Then I had another boyfriend who came
home late at night from drinking. I
overheard a phone message from a woman saying “don’t come over anymore because
my boyfriend is getting out of jail and he would be really angry if he found
you here.” (no kidding!) Okay, with that call, I did lose it, because I was
young, naïve and trusting at the time and couldn’t believe that he was going
after someone who had a criminal boyfriend.
It was the last straw with him, but I really liked his family. I felt guilty for leaving him, and couldn’t
deliver the bad news. My third try was with a partner who I was with for 5
years or so, but about 2 years into the relationship I had found evidence in
the wastebasket. I knew he had been with
someone, perhaps a mutual friend. He denied it but it sent me into a tunnel of
depression. I rationalized it with – oh
well, boys will be boys.
This trail of infidelity has kept following me. It is hard
not to take it personally. Have I become
fat? Ugly? Boring? A nag? Insecure? Am I over-reacting? Should I just accept
that these are “modern times”?
What I wasn’t doing was listening to myself. My own knowing
and ethics. I felt trapped in shock. But in hindsight, I wasn’t meant to be with
these guys. Or perhaps, from a higher perspective, I was meant to be with them
to show me how comfortable I was with this kind of treatment so I could choose
differently. My male role models were anything short of stellar in their
treatment of women and their sexuality. My
stepfather would flirt with women in front of my mom and I’m sure he had
multiple affairs, though my mom wouldn’t outright say it. My biological father
had also cheated on my mom often, until she just couldn’t stand being told that
people thought my dad’s wife was a blonde (my mom has very dark hair). So I
didn’t have high expectations or standards about men in the sexual department.
I figured that you might as well accept that their sexuality is one to stray
and commitment is simply a lie to them. I lowered my expectations in relationships
with men. I had this attitude for most
of my life, programmed into me by media, the men around me, and other women’s
heartbreaks. I didn’t want to be caught in the game of naiveté like the other
people I met, and avoided being in a relationship for a long time.
I saw the games being played in relationships, the lack of
maturity to just communicate honestly and openly about needs instead of roles,
hiding sexual preferences and reserving them for the lover outside of the
marriage. But you know what? The lover
is suffering, too, in the dynamic. Often
he/she has been told a whole slew of stories in order to make it feel okay,
perhaps even being told that one day they will be united. Only that “one day” never comes. The lover can fall into a spell of feeling
special, somehow more interesting and mystical than the spouse at home. I know because this happened to me once, too,
where I got blindsided in a love triangle of false promises and precepts.
But being the spouse/partner who is deceived carries so many
emotional upsets – questioning and doubting the whole relationship, beating
yourself up over the circumstances, vacillating between being a crazy, raging
hysterical person to calm, cold and suspicious, then wanting to desperately
forgive and wave the magic wand to make it all better out of fear of losing
everything. And you know what? Although
those are very real feelings, and they are natural, the reality is that the
Universe is sending signals that this spouse/mate is not meant to be for you – because
they have other serious problems around fantasy and reality, intimacy and
sexuality, unable to talk about those taboo sexual feelings, and a whole lot of
other issues. So it really isn’t about you,
the person being cheated on. The only
responsibility you have is that niggling gut feeling that you always knew
something was fishy, or when you pulled away emotionally at the slightest
conflict, creating more distance between you and your partner, avoiding the issues
that need to be addressed before it happens.
Placing responsibility where it belongs has helped me to
take away the part that many victims often do – internalize the transgressions
and believe she has to fix it or she is somehow responsible for the straying
partner’s choices. Now if there is genuine remorse, genuine consideration for
your feelings, and a willingness to go to therapy, then there is hope for the
relationship, and it’s possible for there to be deeper trust and intimacy
between the two of you. But if you feel
it’s over, it’s important to get a higher perspective and see the situation
more clearly, instead of believing that you are unattractive, unlovable,
etc. Because I was stuck in that for a
few years and actually believed the lies.
It created a whole lot of suffering in my life, feeling like no one
could understand this deep sadness within me. Because, in essence, my heart was
seriously broken – shattered to the core – making me disbelieve in myself and
love. When the reality was that my
previous partners could not hold love well or mature into speaking about their
sexual needs in the relationship. Even
though I was honestly open to that, gratefully willing to know each other
better and communicate, I chose guys who really were womanizers at heart.
If you are having a difficult time with a recent heartbreak
or feeling disillusioned by your relationship, and you feel you are alone in
your suffering, please know you are not. There are many people who can relate.
There is no need to hide in feelings of shame, anger and regret. Please consider reaching out to me. I have
Life After Heartbreak Programs™ to help you recover your sense of self and find
the love you’re yearning for from within.
The soul path is all about understanding yourself better so you can give
and receive love from a healthy place, encouraging more happiness in your life.
Because you are a totally beautiful soul on all levels and you don’t deserve to
be pulled down by someone else’s immature choices or perceptions.
