Being Cheated On...

You may have had that dreaded day when your greatest fear in the relationship comes true – you’ve been cheated on. Your partner has crossed that line and either you found the evidence, there was a confession or the lover contacted you.  You may have suspected it, felt it, or convinced yourself that it wouldn’t happen, but it did.  And now you are left with the pains of wondering what went wrong, questioning if it was somehow your fault. Or perhaps you want to rage out in revenge at the lover or your partner.  No matter what anyone seems to say to soothe you, it just feels horrible.

I know because I’ve been there.  Numerous times. This was before I owned my intuition and spiritual connection or faith. I stayed, though, because there was a part of me that was kind and forgiving, and really had no tools on how to respond to this. I would deny it, or turn a blind eye, or suppress how it made me feel.  Or find another way to act out the hurt I had swallowed down.

My first boyfriend, Mike, in teenage-hood was a flirt, and apparently it had to get so bad that his friends were moved to approach me, saying that couldn’t stand how he treated me, implying that he was cheating on me.  But I stayed, not wanting to judge him nor did I have the guts to dump him. Then I had another boyfriend who came home late at night from drinking.  I overheard a phone message from a woman saying “don’t come over anymore because my boyfriend is getting out of jail and he would be really angry if he found you here.” (no kidding!) Okay, with that call, I did lose it, because I was young, naïve and trusting at the time and couldn’t believe that he was going after someone who had a criminal boyfriend.  It was the last straw with him, but I really liked his family.  I felt guilty for leaving him, and couldn’t deliver the bad news. My third try was with a partner who I was with for 5 years or so, but about 2 years into the relationship I had found evidence in the wastebasket.  I knew he had been with someone, perhaps a mutual friend. He denied it but it sent me into a tunnel of depression.  I rationalized it with – oh well, boys will be boys.

This trail of infidelity has kept following me. It is hard not to take it personally.  Have I become fat? Ugly? Boring? A nag? Insecure? Am I over-reacting? Should I just accept that these are “modern times”? 

What I wasn’t doing was listening to myself. My own knowing and ethics. I felt trapped in shock. But in hindsight, I wasn’t meant to be with these guys. Or perhaps, from a higher perspective, I was meant to be with them to show me how comfortable I was with this kind of treatment so I could choose differently. My male role models were anything short of stellar in their treatment of women and their sexuality.  My stepfather would flirt with women in front of my mom and I’m sure he had multiple affairs, though my mom wouldn’t outright say it. My biological father had also cheated on my mom often, until she just couldn’t stand being told that people thought my dad’s wife was a blonde (my mom has very dark hair). So I didn’t have high expectations or standards about men in the sexual department. I figured that you might as well accept that their sexuality is one to stray and commitment is simply a lie to them.  I lowered my expectations in relationships with men.  I had this attitude for most of my life, programmed into me by media, the men around me, and other women’s heartbreaks. I didn’t want to be caught in the game of naiveté like the other people I met, and avoided being in a relationship for a long time.  

I saw the games being played in relationships, the lack of maturity to just communicate honestly and openly about needs instead of roles, hiding sexual preferences and reserving them for the lover outside of the marriage.  But you know what? The lover is suffering, too, in the dynamic.  Often he/she has been told a whole slew of stories in order to make it feel okay, perhaps even being told that one day they will be united.  Only that “one day” never comes.  The lover can fall into a spell of feeling special, somehow more interesting and mystical than the spouse at home.  I know because this happened to me once, too, where I got blindsided in a love triangle of false promises and precepts.

But being the spouse/partner who is deceived carries so many emotional upsets – questioning and doubting the whole relationship, beating yourself up over the circumstances, vacillating between being a crazy, raging hysterical person to calm, cold and suspicious, then wanting to desperately forgive and wave the magic wand to make it all better out of fear of losing everything.  And you know what? Although those are very real feelings, and they are natural, the reality is that the Universe is sending signals that this spouse/mate is not meant to be for you – because they have other serious problems around fantasy and reality, intimacy and sexuality, unable to talk about those taboo sexual feelings, and a whole lot of other issues.  So it really isn’t about you, the person being cheated on.  The only responsibility you have is that niggling gut feeling that you always knew something was fishy, or when you pulled away emotionally at the slightest conflict, creating more distance between you and your partner, avoiding the issues that need to be addressed before it happens.

Placing responsibility where it belongs has helped me to take away the part that many victims often do – internalize the transgressions and believe she has to fix it or she is somehow responsible for the straying partner’s choices. Now if there is genuine remorse, genuine consideration for your feelings, and a willingness to go to therapy, then there is hope for the relationship, and it’s possible for there to be deeper trust and intimacy between the two of you.  But if you feel it’s over, it’s important to get a higher perspective and see the situation more clearly, instead of believing that you are unattractive, unlovable, etc.  Because I was stuck in that for a few years and actually believed the lies.  It created a whole lot of suffering in my life, feeling like no one could understand this deep sadness within me. Because, in essence, my heart was seriously broken – shattered to the core – making me disbelieve in myself and love.  When the reality was that my previous partners could not hold love well or mature into speaking about their sexual needs in the relationship.  Even though I was honestly open to that, gratefully willing to know each other better and communicate, I chose guys who really were womanizers at heart.

If you are having a difficult time with a recent heartbreak or feeling disillusioned by your relationship, and you feel you are alone in your suffering, please know you are not. There are many people who can relate. There is no need to hide in feelings of shame, anger and regret.  Please consider reaching out to me. I have Life After Heartbreak Programs™ to help you recover your sense of self and find the love you’re yearning for from within.  The soul path is all about understanding yourself better so you can give and receive love from a healthy place, encouraging more happiness in your life. Because you are a totally beautiful soul on all levels and you don’t deserve to be pulled down by someone else’s immature choices or perceptions.