A Young Woman's Mask

The other day I was sitting in the car with a dear friend of mine who is 13 years old.  We were talking about things like spending time in the morning doing makeup and looking good for her friends.  She said that she was bullied when she was younger and that people didn’t like her, but now that she is dressing up there are a whole lot more people who are paying attention to her.  

This deeply saddened me. I looked back at when I was 13 years old and realized that I went through similar experiences. I left my “unpopular” friends and joined the ranks of the popular girls based entirely on how I dressed and looked.  I chose fashion magazines over hanging out in nature and by the time I was 15 years old, I was doing hair modelling and walking down runways and joining the local beauty pageant.  It seemed like I was living the life that many teen girls would dream of.  But it was actually a trap.  Because in that world, you are judged on whether or not you have a pimple, if you’ve gained an 5 extra pounds, or if you’re hair is cooperating that day. 

Over time, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was because no one really cared to ask about my feelings. I was wearing a façade which hid my deeper emotional pain.  In the modelling world I was seen as beautiful, I was considered a somebody, even if that was a fake somebody.  But there, I had no voice – I was just hired to be a pretty face.   It became a lonely experience, too, because many people have certain perceptions of the “good-looking girls”, as if they are flaky, airheads or they don’t have any problems. There would be weird competition with other girls and hidden jealousies.  Little did everyone know I was jealous of the girls who didn’t care about their looks and instead did fun things like art and writing and enjoying each other’s time together. 

When being around other models, it was clear that their self-esteem was shaky, based entirely on whether they were good enough or pretty enough in someone else’s eyes.  A whole host of problems came in for these young women, including eating disorders, inappropriate comments, and feelings of worthlessness. 

I really got to see the dark side of the fashion and beauty industry and I can safely say that it creates a hollow experience for most girls and women who are in it. It is a short-lived industry, one that leaves many psychological wounds on the models who either don’t make it or have to retire when they’re in their 20s.  Many of the girls identify only with their bodies and haven’t spent the time cultivating other aspects of themselves to know that they are loveable, intelligent and good people.  So when they leave that world either by choice or being rejected, their tender hearts can be torn to pieces because they’ve based their whole identity on being seen as pretty. They become disconnected emotionally from themselves and others and can walk through life as a shell. Of course, there are wonderful cases where these girls would become strong women and they would make a difference in the world. And that is entirely possible, especially if they have the proper role models. However, often times girls who get into this industry will come from unstable homes or have parents who encourage them in being objectified. 

When my 13-year-old friend and I finished our chat, her younger brother, in all of his infinite 7-year-old wisdom piped up from the back seat – “I don’t care what people think of me or how I look – I just want to be ME.”  And I smiled, realizing that this is exactly the attitude we need in this world that wants us to believe that everything is about our exterior beauty. I do hope he holds onto that perspective as he grows older. Because as his older sister says “wouldn’t he make a great boyfriend to someone someday?”  Yes, he would. We need more boys and men to see girls and women this way. But mostly each girl and women needs to see herself as wonderful, talented, beautiful simply for existing, knowing that when high school ends there are great rewards in taking the time to find oneself and to do that which makes her inwardly happy.  

Heather Embree is a soul coach, writer and editor of On Butterfly Wings who helps women recover from heartbreak.  To find out more about her, visit www.blossomingheart.ca

Nourishing the Heart

There are many things that we learn in a lifetime—how to walk, how to kiss, how to get a job, how to get married, how to get divorced…all of these very practical things that bring us the experience of life.  We chat with friends, we go to parties, we eat, we just live life the way everyone else has shown us to.  

But there are points when waves of pain, fear, sadness, mental instability, all takeover. And there aren’t any roadmaps or online tools one can use to cope.  I believe we all go through these experiences, depending on our backgrounds, circumstances and stress in our lives.  For me, I’ve come to realize that what it’s really saying is our souls are undernourished…because we are just like plants and flowers – we are meant to grow and blossom, but we need the right nutrients, soil and care that we give the tender shoots in our garden.  

So what does it mean to nourish the heart? To nourish the emotions? 

Well, first of all, it means becoming aware of how depleted and undernourished one is, calling forth a need from the universe.  Then to listen to what is missing. 

Is it quiet time? Is it time in nature? Is it emotionally supportive and encouraging friendships? Is it a need to do art and writing? Is it needing to grieve something that has been lost? Do you need a support group?

Our hearts are fragile and they are very tender. We live in a harsh world, one where there is very little guidance on seeing ourselves as sentient beings who deserve nurturing, comfort, affection, attention, and being in tune with oneself.  It is very important that you take the time to fill yourself up with that invisible yet important thing called love. Otherwise life becomes brittle, and it can lead one onto a path of burnout.

If you need support and a nurturing space, please consider booking a session with Heather Embree of Blossoming Heart (www.blossomingheart.ca).  She provides soul coaching, energy healing and angelic guidance so you can experience a feeling of greater spiritual connection to your heart.