The other day I was sitting in the car with a dear friend of
mine who is 13 years old. We were
talking about things like spending time in the morning doing makeup and looking
good for her friends. She said that she
was bullied when she was younger and that people didn’t like her, but now that
she is dressing up there are a whole lot more people who are paying attention
to her.
This deeply saddened me. I looked back at when I was 13
years old and realized that I went through similar experiences. I left my
“unpopular” friends and joined the ranks of the popular girls based entirely on
how I dressed and looked. I chose fashion
magazines over hanging out in nature and by the time I was 15 years old, I was
doing hair modelling and walking down runways and joining the local beauty
pageant. It seemed like I was living the
life that many teen girls would dream of.
But it was actually a trap.
Because in that world, you are judged on whether or not you have a
pimple, if you’ve gained an 5 extra pounds, or if you’re hair is cooperating
that day.
Over time, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was because no
one really cared to ask about my feelings. I was wearing a façade which hid my
deeper emotional pain. In the modelling
world I was seen as beautiful, I was considered a somebody, even if that was a
fake somebody. But there, I had no voice
– I was just hired to be a pretty face.
It became a lonely experience, too, because many people have certain
perceptions of the “good-looking girls”, as if they are flaky, airheads or they
don’t have any problems. There would be weird competition with other girls and
hidden jealousies. Little did everyone
know I was jealous of the girls who didn’t care about their looks and instead
did fun things like art and writing and enjoying each other’s time together.
When being around other models, it was clear that their
self-esteem was shaky, based entirely on whether they were good enough or
pretty enough in someone else’s eyes. A
whole host of problems came in for these young women, including eating
disorders, inappropriate comments, and feelings of worthlessness.
I really got to see the dark side of the fashion and beauty
industry and I can safely say that it creates a hollow experience for most girls
and women who are in it. It is a short-lived industry, one that leaves many
psychological wounds on the models who either don’t make it or have to retire
when they’re in their 20s. Many of the
girls identify only with their bodies and haven’t spent the time cultivating
other aspects of themselves to know that they are loveable, intelligent and
good people. So when they leave that
world either by choice or being rejected, their tender hearts can be torn to
pieces because they’ve based their whole identity on being seen as pretty. They
become disconnected emotionally from themselves and others and can walk through
life as a shell. Of course, there are wonderful cases where these girls would
become strong women and they would make a difference in the world. And that is
entirely possible, especially if they have the proper role models. However,
often times girls who get into this industry will come from unstable homes or
have parents who encourage them in being objectified.
When my 13-year-old friend and I finished our chat, her
younger brother, in all of his infinite 7-year-old wisdom piped up from the
back seat – “I don’t care what people think of me or how I look – I just want
to be ME.” And I smiled, realizing that
this is exactly the attitude we need in this world that wants us to believe
that everything is about our exterior beauty. I do hope he holds onto that
perspective as he grows older. Because as his older sister says “wouldn’t he
make a great boyfriend to someone someday?”
Yes, he would. We need more boys and men to see girls and women this
way. But mostly each girl and women needs to see herself as wonderful,
talented, beautiful simply for existing, knowing that when high school ends
there are great rewards in taking the time to find oneself and to do that which
makes her inwardly happy.
Heather Embree is
a soul coach, writer and editor of On
Butterfly Wings who helps women recover from heartbreak. To find out more about her, visit www.blossomingheart.ca
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