Thankfully, How Crisis Shatters Perfectionism

I recently visited my therapist. I love therapy. (I think every person should do therapy with the right person.). I've been facing the roots of old traumas for the past 2 years (thanks to the triggers of the political atmosphere, a painful breakup, and living in a haunted house in a downtown setting for some time-- for real!).

In our session, where I dragged my caring fiancee, Ted, along, I had a surprising emotional breakdown.  I realized that one of my barriers to really feeling my feelings and going into the roots of my issues, was the part of me that was afraid of not having it together, to not be attractive or beautiful in my partner's eyes.  This was surprising to me because I kinda prided myself on being real, authentic and not following the traditional path of womanhood.  Yet, this perfect, super woman who feared being rejected because she had baggage, she had pain, she had fears and insecurities, was lingering in the depths of the psyche.   Seeing the true and deep reality of this perfectionistic script has been really revealing to me. 

Feeling inferior or incapable or inadequate is the layer beneath perfectionism.  It causes dreadful things like people pleasing, trying to fit into the wrong circles, feeling hurt and rejected and not good enough. It's an awful thing to bear.  Yet, facing this part of my ego, I'm able to really get free of it.  Whether it is the perfect business person, perfect lover, perfect friend, perfect spiritual person. Who cares?

What's important is making sure I live a balanced life, honouring my talents and abilities, and serving others in the world who can benefit from what I have to offer. Nothing wild and crazy or needing to climb mountains (unless that is satisfying to me and not something I'm trying to prove).  When I'm nourished, it nourishes others. That's the main work that needs to be done in the world.

The actual work of letting go of the mask of perfection is tough work.  It can look "ugly", with snotty kleenexes and all.  But it is so freeing and awesome and leads to such a depth of peace and wholeness, beyond all understanding.  Some say it takes courage to go there, I say it just takes willingness and the right support people.