Betrayed by the Masculine?

I get countless numbers of women coming to me, heartbroken by their male partners, where they feel used, abused, unappreciated. I have met women who have been trapped by circumstances, realizing that they have become the “other woman” because of his deception, filling her with guilt, regret and self-punishment.  Their trusting hearts believed what he told her and trusted that he would be there for her.  Then one day he turns cold, uncaring and finding a thousand reasons why he can’t call her back.  Hearing their stories in how they are mistreated and dishonoured, leaving them feeling empty and unlovable, is enough to fill anyone with rage. If only these guys could hear how it has been for these women. If only they would understand the soul injustice by tearing out her heart without an explanation or the respect of communicating with her and making sure that she is cared for in the next steps after the relationship.  This would be a more honourable approach. But instead we live in a world of disposable relationships.

So she ends up doubting herself. Her beauty. Her talents. Her intuition and judgment. Whether she is ever capable of attracting another relationship into her life because she’s “damaged goods”.  Her self-esteem tears down and she just wants to hide under the covers while life passes her by. 

I know because I’ve been there and I still grapple with the “should I trust him” dance with my current partner.  Because, after all, guys are sometimes just guys. And apparently, from speaking to men about this topice, there is a biological sexual urge that takes over all of their judgment.  So they do and say anything in order to get what they want.  This isn’t all guys, and it really isn’t something I want to generalize. But time and again I see the suffering that these women are going through.  Because for many women, sex creates a soul attachment.  She absorbs him inside of her. She feels him on a much deeper level than he does her.  And the very act, on a primal level, means she could create a child with him. No matter how sexually empowered a woman is, she will remember him on a cellular level inside of her being for a much longer time than he does.  

So what is it that women who love men have to learn in order not to get hurt? Because bitterness, resentment and giving him the unconscious benefit of debilitating you is just not serving you. This is a question I keep asking myself, because I’ve been caught in the deceptive webs of male sexuality and have gotten abandoned, used and abused myself.  I blame it on not having parental guidance, teaching me about boys and sex and how to say “no” when I don’t feel safe.   Or that it’s okay to NOT be nice to all boys. Or that I have a right to end the relationship if it’s not making me feel happy. Or I don’t have to stay with him just because I had sex with him (this is what my mother had to learn with my father, where she was pressured to stay with him even though she knew in her gut he was not marriage material).  And that I have a right to my body and to know that I’m the master of what to let in and what not to.   But easier said than done.  Because we intuitively have a desire to partner up with someone and when there is a spark it is hard to ignore it.   So here’s a list I’ve created from my life experiences and those of women who have shared their bleeding hearts and strong wisdom with me (even my grandmother who thought that all men were creepy crawlers – sorry guys!):

1)      Know what you want before even looking for someone.  Time and again we leave it to chance and feel like fate will bring Prince Charming. Then when he shows up, you move in together and the glow starts wearing off, you realize you’re stuck in something really warped.  It’s best to know what you want.  If you’re humming and hawing over it, then write down what you DON’T want.  Are you looking for someone long-term? Do they need to get along with your cat? Do you want to wait for 2 months before sleeping together? Or do you want him to be open and sensitive to your sexual needs without shaming you?

2)      Trust that you can find someone who can match your core values.  For me, the person has to like and respect nature, is open to the psychic/spiritual realm, takes care of his health, and is compassionate towards others. What are your values? We can think we’re too picky, but it honestly is something that makes the difference between happiness and settling.  

3)      Clear out your resentments, hurts and family of origin issues before getting in the relationship, as much as possible. Which doesn’t mean they won’t still pop up. But having basic self-awareness of your sore spots will allow you to express your limits, boundaries and needs.

4)      Learn how to express your feelings in a loving yet strong way so he takes you seriously and you can have a respectful relationship.

5)      Expect that he just wants sex and then go from there.  Guys, especially nice and sensitive and spiritual guys, may take offense to this. But do it anyways.  Sexual dynamics are as old as the sun, and no matter how evolved a guy says he is, you still have to hold a level of understanding of his primal nature.  This is where I got trapped a couple of times, and I’ve had to learn the hard way that behind the nice guy mask is also a man who just wants sex and will come up with a thousand justifications to make you feel okay with it.  “Oh we’re soul mates”. “We have the same aura”. “We had a past life together”. “Let’s have tantric sacred sex”.  And then he leaves you deeming you clingy, attached, non-spiritually evolved and needy, instead of him looking at the fact that he just used you.  Call him on it if you can without guilt-tripping.  Because he will do this over and over again to other sisters, until he knows he can’t get away with it.

6)      Value your heart, your body, your energy and soul. Because no one else will.  This will take away from having to be afraid of being used and abused and take you into a more soul-full energy.   You, like others, are a divine creature, even if the world and others don’t get it.  You have a right to say no and to trust your heart, for that is your deeper connection to the greater heartbeat of the Universe. Wasting your time on others who don’t respect or cherish you will only leave you drained, isolated and suffering unnecessarily. 

If you are ready to do some inner work to empower your soul and your choices in life and love, I offer various group and one-on-one services that can break you out of the confusion and hurt of heartbreak.  Because it is through women helping women that we grow in street and soul wisdom and can bring more nurturing, safety, laughter and strength into our world. 

For more information, visit: www.blossomingheart.ca

The Sting: When Your Partner says Goodbye

You can’t believe it. Your partner has told you or shown you that they no longer want to be with you.  You’re in shock. Disbelief. Feeling rejected and unloveable.  Even if you may have seen it coming, it still doesn’t take away the pain of hearing the words or coming to terms with this reality.  Your life you spent with them – whether that be 6 months or years – flashes in front of your eyes. You wonder if you wasted time being with them with nothing left to show for it.  You cry, scream, eat, don’t eat, call friends or hide out in your room.  The future feels bleak, too blank of a slate.  And you’re having to pretend to the world that everything is just fine or else you’re break out into tears on the sidewalk.  You look for clues around the way you may have given away yourself, your precious self, in the relationship. And you wonder what were you thinking?  You feel betrayed and turn the anger inward, perhaps beating yourself up over even trusting in the first place.  

You should have known. Should have seen the red flags. But you didn’t. And you chose a softer, compassionate place that was partly denial and partly based on hope that it would be different this time.  You carried a flame for this person, even if your friends or family were warning you.  You wanted to be the one that showed your love to this person, that you wouldn’t leave them when the chips were down.  You would be loyal, unafraid of commitment, putting your eggs into this basket that seemed to be stable enough.   But this person finked out and instead decided to withdraw their heart because of things that seemed to be petty, boiling to the surface, unfinished business from the past or plain ol’ simply being a jerk and just wanted personal freedom for the sake of it, regardless of the promises that were told.

You feel like a broken, half-shell of a person, left with the emptiness of lost time, love and passion. You can remember how special you were in their eyes. How they nuzzled you and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to them.  You were their meaning and they were yours.  You would have done anything for them and you probably did.    

You could choose to go out and drink heavily, have a cheap fling or even contemplate extensive lengths of self-harm.  If you don’t have supportive networks around you, you can start believing that you don’t matter and nobody cares about you, giving all of your soul power to this person who has decided to leave.  You have to respect their choice, but you don’t have to like it. And you may have a million and one reasons why they are avoiding intimacy or how this is connected to their childhood. But the fact remains that they left. And all you have now is yourself to be with and answer to.  

This is a pivotal time, a crucial time, really, to get supportive people around you who understand and who can listen to your hurt.  Call on someone who can listen and be there for you.  Someone who has gone through heartbreak.  And give yourself a day or two on your own, in your home, just to be with the reality of your current life.  Look around your space and see if there is anything you are comfortable with purging (but don’t purge anything before its time).  Cry through your memories. Listen to music that is not connected to this person – eat food you normally wouldn’t with them. Reclaim the part of you that went missing or into hiding when you were in relationship with this person by doing things you would never do with them.  

 Through this you will start seeing the freedom that is now available to you.  The possibilities of new ways of living, without needing to have them around you in their life.  Write down your values of who you are and what you want to do differently now that they are not there.  You may discover that you’ve secretly desired a road trip with friends or that you wanted to take singing classes.  You have the potential of discovering whole other parts of yourself that weren’t available to you before this break-up, which could mean, down the road, you can see it from a whole new light, as a journey of self-love and self-understanding.  You will discover your wants and needs, your boundaries and your true dreams and goals from a place of your personal power, rather than what the other person wants you to be.  And one day you may just bow to that person for the heartache they caused.  

If you are feeling you or a loved one are needing one-on-one support to get you through the initial sting of the heartbreak, I offer a Heal Your Heartbreak: A Woman’s Journey to Self-Love Program™ that can help you process the hurt more easily and bring you back into your strength so you can open your heart again to life and others.  You can book a free initial session to see if this program can support you on your way by visiting: www.blossomingheart.ca

***

Heather Embree is an intuitive healing practitioner and soul coach who is dedicated to helping women who are going through heartbreak, disappointment and loss so they can open their heart again to life and love and meaningful relationships.   She sees that with every ending there is the opportunity for a new beginning, and separation can lead one to the road of self-discovery and eventually self-love.  She has been a serial monogamist for most of her life, came from a home with divorce and has lived in and left various communities in North America.  She has experienced heartbreak and the road to recovery first hand and knows the value of support for others who are going through the same experiences.