I get countless numbers of women coming to me, heartbroken
by their male partners, where they feel used, abused, unappreciated. I have met women who have been trapped by
circumstances, realizing that they have become the “other woman” because of his
deception, filling her with guilt, regret and self-punishment. Their trusting hearts believed what he told
her and trusted that he would be there for her.
Then one day he turns cold, uncaring and finding a thousand reasons why
he can’t call her back. Hearing their
stories in how they are mistreated and dishonoured, leaving them feeling empty
and unlovable, is enough to fill anyone with rage. If only these guys could
hear how it has been for these women. If only they would understand the soul
injustice by tearing out her heart without an explanation or the respect of
communicating with her and making sure that she is cared for in the next steps
after the relationship. This would be a
more honourable approach. But instead we live in a world of disposable
relationships.
So she ends up doubting herself. Her beauty. Her talents.
Her intuition and judgment. Whether she is ever capable of attracting another
relationship into her life because she’s “damaged goods”. Her self-esteem tears down and she just wants
to hide under the covers while life passes her by.
I know because I’ve been there and I still grapple with the “should
I trust him” dance with my current partner.
Because, after all, guys are sometimes just guys. And apparently, from speaking
to men about this topice, there is a biological sexual urge that takes over all
of their judgment. So they do and say
anything in order to get what they want.
This isn’t all guys, and it really isn’t something I want to generalize.
But time and again I see the suffering that these women are going through. Because for many women, sex creates a soul
attachment. She absorbs him inside of
her. She feels him on a much deeper level than he does her. And the very act, on a primal level, means
she could create a child with him. No matter how sexually empowered a woman is,
she will remember him on a cellular level inside of her being for a much longer
time than he does.
So what is it that women who love men have to learn in order
not to get hurt? Because bitterness, resentment and giving him the unconscious
benefit of debilitating you is just not serving you. This is a question I keep
asking myself, because I’ve been caught in the deceptive webs of male sexuality
and have gotten abandoned, used and abused myself. I blame it on not having parental guidance,
teaching me about boys and sex and how to say “no” when I don’t feel safe. Or that it’s okay to NOT be nice to all
boys. Or that I have a right to end the relationship if it’s not making me feel
happy. Or I don’t have to stay with him just because I had sex with him (this
is what my mother had to learn with my father, where she was pressured to stay
with him even though she knew in her gut he was not marriage material). And that I have a right to my body and to
know that I’m the master of what to let in and what not to. But easier said than done. Because we intuitively have a desire to
partner up with someone and when there is a spark it is hard to ignore it. So here’s
a list I’ve created from my life experiences and those of women who have shared
their bleeding hearts and strong wisdom with me (even my grandmother who
thought that all men were creepy crawlers – sorry guys!):
1)
Know what you want before even looking for
someone. Time and again we leave it to
chance and feel like fate will bring Prince Charming. Then when he shows up,
you move in together and the glow starts wearing off, you realize you’re stuck
in something really warped. It’s best to
know what you want. If you’re humming
and hawing over it, then write down what you DON’T want. Are you looking for someone long-term? Do they
need to get along with your cat? Do you want to wait for 2 months before
sleeping together? Or do you want him to be open and sensitive to your sexual
needs without shaming you?
2)
Trust that you can find someone who can match
your core values. For me, the person has
to like and respect nature, is open to the psychic/spiritual realm, takes care
of his health, and is compassionate towards others. What are your values? We
can think we’re too picky, but it honestly is something that makes the
difference between happiness and settling.
3)
Clear out your resentments, hurts and family of origin
issues before getting in the relationship, as much as possible. Which doesn’t
mean they won’t still pop up. But having basic self-awareness of your sore
spots will allow you to express your limits, boundaries and needs.
4)
Learn how to express your feelings in a loving
yet strong way so he takes you seriously and you can have a respectful
relationship.
5)
Expect that he just wants sex and then go from
there. Guys, especially nice and
sensitive and spiritual guys, may take offense to this. But do it anyways. Sexual dynamics are as old as the sun, and no
matter how evolved a guy says he is, you still have to hold a level of
understanding of his primal nature. This
is where I got trapped a couple of times, and I’ve had to learn the hard way that
behind the nice guy mask is also a man who just wants sex and will come up with
a thousand justifications to make you feel okay with it. “Oh we’re soul mates”. “We have the same aura”.
“We had a past life together”. “Let’s have tantric sacred sex”. And then he leaves you deeming you clingy,
attached, non-spiritually evolved and needy, instead of him looking at the fact
that he just used you. Call him on it if
you can without guilt-tripping. Because
he will do this over and over again to other sisters, until he knows he can’t
get away with it.
6)
Value your heart, your body, your energy and
soul. Because no one else will. This
will take away from having to be afraid of being used and abused and take you
into a more soul-full energy. You, like
others, are a divine creature, even if the world and others don’t get it. You have a right to say no and to trust your
heart, for that is your deeper connection to the greater heartbeat of the
Universe. Wasting your time on others who don’t respect or cherish you will
only leave you drained, isolated and suffering unnecessarily.
If you are ready to do some inner work to empower your soul
and your choices in life and love, I offer various group and one-on-one
services that can break you out of the confusion and hurt of heartbreak. Because it is through women helping women
that we grow in street and soul wisdom and can bring more nurturing, safety,
laughter and strength into our world.
For more information, visit: www.blossomingheart.ca
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