You Deserve Self-Compassion

It is a very challenging world out there. There are so many conflicts, subtly and overtly, along with pressures to fit in socially. It is so hard to really understand what is true and right for ourselves when we are afraid of making mistakes or we are mired in guilt/shame or are heartbroken.  

Disappointments seem to be a natural part of life – whether with ourselves or with our relationships or dreams and goals.

How often do we extend empathy to another person, giving to good causes or volunteering our time? How often are we there for another during a difficult time and we see them struggling and we just want to help but feel powerless to do so?  I know I do it all the time – it’s the sensitive and empath in me that wants to see people alleviated of their suffering and sadness so they can feel the presence of love in their life.  But how rarely are we there for ourselves?

I will share with you a personal story. When I was 8 years old, I was living in Jamaica and our house got robbed in the middle of the night. My sister and I laid awake, frozen and terrified.  Luckily, we didn’t get hurt physically, but mentally and emotionally this has affected us for the rest of our lives, feeling unsafe in the world and in our homes.  

Not wanting to build resentments, I actively learned about social justice issues in developing countries and could understand better the motivations of the robbers – poverty and economic inequality leads people to do desperate things to balance the scales.  I came to see there was no right or wrong on anybody’s part and in fact had a lot of compassion for the people who did this, including understanding that those who commit criminal acts are humans in pain and haven’t had support and nurturing in their lives or society. I was great at understanding the other side.  So when my therapist said, “Well, Heather, what about that little girl? Can you have compassion for her?”, I started crying as I never thought that I needed to extend that compassion to myself. I didn’t have parents who comforted me after the incident and I never knew that would have lasting emotional effects on me. Because I was able to return safely to Canada, a privileged country compared to Jamaica, I believed I didn't have a right to complain. I thought I was the lucky one.  

My therapist invited me to look at incidents on t.v. where the child is an innocent victim and how sad that is in order to get in touch with my deservingness of compassion towards myself and others.  It was like a truck of awareness had hit me on how I was denying myself on a greater level the experience of divine compassion for myself. I can dish it out but can I take it in, truly?

This understanding has made me have to look at all the ways I’m hard on myself or denying loving support. I hold back in a weird cycle of self-shame and pride, believing that I should be stronger than I am. But that’s not how it works.  In my sessions, I see and feel how deeply loved we are by the Universe and how we make everything harder for ourselves, wearing us down with stress and obligations.  If only we could each tune in on a daily basis and feel the presence of compassion within, then we could set healthy limits, make goals that are fulfilling and create a world that can extend that true understanding to others.  Then it takes it away from feeling offended or righteous by others, removing the need to even have to forgive, other than our own selves for allowing ourselves to get hurt (this applies for our adult wounds rather than our childhood ones where one has no power).

In honour of this experience in Jamaica, I wrote a poem to the young boy who was part of the robbery gang:

Breaking in

I'll never forget that boy
they hired to 
climb thru the window   
to rob our house

that moment in time
that made me feel so
dreadfully unsafe
for the rest of my life

he was 8 years old, maybe
a young felon--
we were the same age

I could have held resentment and anger
joined racist KKK gangs 
to get even

But I knew it was more complicated 
than that

I knew he's the kid who slept in a shanty
with a family who smokes weed 
for breakfast

dreaming of playing baseball 

with paper-stuffed milk cartons

while I had the 
luxury of laying inside a 2-storey home, 
on summer vacation
dreaming of what's on t.v. tomorrow

None of it was ever fair...

What is one area of your life where you feel you are overly critical of yourself?  Where do you pretend to be strong and block others from understanding you?  Can you see your own suffering in the world?  What can you do to bring more gentleness and compassion in your life?

If you would like to receive any guidance or soul coaching so you can honour yourself, please consider booking a FREE Sharing Our Hearts Session with Heather Embree at: www.blossomingheart.ca