“They Didn’t Create You…” My first experience with a Divine Creator

When I was 3, my parents divorced and it was ugly.  It has been a conflict that has never resolved, even to this day.  I lived with my mother and my father never got over the ego blow of losing to the courts. So he found every way to abdicate all responsibility for parenting and hold a lifelong resentment towards my mother. 

He was a man I never could figure out, relate with or have a deep bond with. He didn’t come to the hospital when I was born and still forgets the date of my birthday. He’s been one of the deepest sources of angst and frustration for me in my life. Our politics are different, views on life and how to treat people are on polar opposites and our integrity around meaning and work are dramatically in conflict. You see, my dad is a con artist (or as some suggest I call him “a salesperson”, which I think degrades salespeople) and I am a humanitarian.  You can imagine the discussions or right out arguments we have had.  Needless to say he’s never supported me in the way of making a good life and he hasn’t truly seen me and my heart. Just recently, I decided to divorce him because it has become one of those relationships that has very little nourishment or positivity. It feels right and good and healthy for me to do so.

My mom is someone who had to recover from my father and she did her best to keep it together personally. She housed us and fed us and tried to be a source of positivity even though she was suffering.  She is a sales person by nature and a free spirit.  She and I have more in common than my dad and I but we also have some fundamentally different outlooks and social/political perspectives.  For example, I care about conscious consumerism and personal sacrifice for the greater good while she has worked for WonderBra, stocking shelves in WalMart, even though she has many other talents/abilities and choices in her life (I don’t judge people for their work, mostly, but I believe that if you have a choice and privilege then seek out something that adds to the blessings of the world and others in it). She grew up in a privileged home while I struggled growing up with very little guidance from her or my father.  So I will say that I was a neglected child and I say that without blame and anger…it’s just a fact of my life.

Both my parents were part of the 60s movement that questioned religion, God and every institution. They were freethinkers who wanted to buck the social system and strive to push the boundaries of what is considered good and bad. They believed in science and wanted to breakdown all engrained beliefs from the beginning of time – to the point where they missed out on the fundamental quality of spiritual teachings – heart-centred love. 

Love was a notion that was balked at, without questioning their own heartbreak and ache in their lives and with each other that made them disbelieve in love to begin with. 

So as I journeyed through life, trying to be a good person doing humanitarian works and feeling the pull of making a difference in the world by carrying its weight on my shoulders, I got to a point of burnout and confusion.  I didn’t understand why I felt this strong need to take on bigger causes, to right the world’s wrongs and care about perfect strangers. I was willing to live in poverty in order to stay true to myself. Where did I get these convictions and values from and why was I so passionate about them? My commitments to equality and respect and cultural sensitivity did not come from my parents.

One Saturday, while I was working overtime at the office, I had an emotional breakdown.  I was in the bathroom feeling angry, frustrated and sad because I felt I was from a family who couldn’t get me or see me or understand my drive towards being a loving, giving and socially conscious person.  I never had a sense of a higher power or God, even though I would give oracle card readings and understood synchronicity.   I reached out and screamed at whatever was out there and I said “why don’t my parents get me, for god’s sakes!” 

Then loud and clear, as if the whole room had filled up with the sound, I heard a response back that said “they didn’t create you.”  I couldn’t deny this voice. It wasn’t gender-specific but it was powerful and affirmative.  I immediately dried my eyes, felt wimpy for even crying in the first place and finally felt supported by something out there that seemed to be watching over me.  I made a commitment to follow this presence and voice in my life, knowing that my birth and my life mattered to somebody somewhere, and being loving, kind and generous to strangers and friends is acknowledged by something.  And even the act of not taking action so as not to harm others we may never meet really do have a long-rippling effect.  Not only does being a heart-centred person improve one’s spirit, positive energy and overall sense of inner peace, but the spiritual guidance and protection that comes to someone who follows their intuition and divine guidance is something that money can’t buy.

I have had 2 other times since this incident when I heard this loud voice.  The second time was when I was walking in the woods, feeling disheartened by the state of the Earth and the world and all the destruction of the natural beauty.  I spoke out loud to “God” and said “why don’t you care, dammit? Why do people get away with this?!” and I heard a response back that said “when did you stop caring?” At first I didn’t understand this message.  Then I realized that this divine power cares so much about me, us and the Earth, more than I even care and that I could always improve my ability to care for even the smallest of creatures.  This is how deeply the divine actually cares about us.

The third voice came this past summer and it’s a whole other long story, but essentially it guided me to my current love partner, Ted, and we have found a lot of compatibility and acceptance in the last 9 months at a time when I was ready to give up on intimate partner love. 

So when someone asks me if God exists, I will say “yes” but not in the way we’ve been taught or may perceive. The divine is a personal relationship with each individual’s heart and needs and guides us every day, if only we will listen. It has a caring quality to it, a loving parent aspect and it is a creator of sorts.  It isn’t reserved to someone who is better than or worse than others – rather to anyone who is willing to connect and communicate and receive the messages in whatever way they come.

It just takes a bit to quiet the mind and heart and trusting that the answers will come. When they arise, there will be wonderful gifts of peace, direction and love that have a quality and depth that can’t come from anywhere but the divine.

I would love to hear if you have had any similar types of divine interventions and communications as I find it all so amazing and fascinating. Please send me an email with any of your stories. If you feel comfortable, I’d love to share them in my blog, too.  Just let me know...