Understanding what you want in your relationships

What if every relationship is here to teach you something? About yourself? It could be about growing in compassion, self-care, boundaries, personal standards. Regardless, they are here to teach you something.

What I have discovered from facilitating Soul Constellations sessions (work that looks at family and ancestral patterns) for over 7 years, is that we are all very interconnected and that relationship dynamics inform how we dance in the world.  

We each have lessons around love, assertiveness, getting our needs met, acceptance and compassion for our human frailties.  And it begins at home, whether we like it or not. 

Relationships are about fluidity. There are no timelines or cookie cutter guarantees. They "succeed", "fail" and "transform" all the time.

I have had a few “failed” relationships in my life.  Yes, I went through the process of shame and self-blame, feeling like there is something wrong with me with each ending.  I didn't like that some of them became icky and conflict-driven. I wished some of them could have ended on a healthier note. Yet, that's why some relationships just have to stop. Because they don't work and they hurt.

I grew up in a divorced home, and before divorce became common, I was of the households where people thought I was a broken person because of it.  My parents divorcing was the healthiest move they could have made. But there was still a hidden stigma about it that carried over into my self-esteem, where I believed that I was undeserving of healthy, functional love and relationships . 

My parents never fully healed that experience. They still hold hurt feelings, blame, and regret. It is tragic and they have wasted a lot of years on unresolved emotional pain.

What was revealed at this past weekend’s Soul Constellations gathering was that my parents just failed at understanding each other.  There was confusion in their relationship about what the other wanted, so it created unmet needs, false expectations and verbal fighting. No one was truly at fault for the ending, other than not being able to really listen and accept who the other person was, without judgment, and make a decision if the relationship would be good and healthy for them individually.  

That’s true relationship empowerment – when we know what we want, communicate with another to see if you're on the same page, then get moving on it as a couple. 

If I were to look back at the relationships I still feel angsty about, the ones that still have a negative emotional connection to them and ended poorly with conflict or hurt, I can see that what was really happening was that we could not fundamentally understand the other. Whether that be through generational, cultural, gender, life paths or political differences. We just couldn’t breakthrough and find that tender place that would make our hearts open to each other.  

I am grateful for those opportunities to understand another and the differences in lifestyle, perspectives and their life journey.  They just could not be compatible with my life, goals, unique self and need for well-being, nor could I be with them.

I have been in two long-term relationships before meeting my current fiancé. The marked difference in this one is the natural trust, ease, and support that we give each other.  We can chat forever, be there through the emotional healing, and encourage the best to come out. Because we love and see each other’s hearts. We have compatible viewpoints. In simple essence: we relate.  We are not perfect in body, finances, family dynamics. But we get each other without question. Yes, the relationship will transform. And it will have an ending in physical death. But the feeling of knowing and love that is exchanged is there.

It has taken a whole healing journey for me to really feel comfortable in my own skin.  

I have been in mismatched relationships, relationships that weren’t clean and honest, abusive dynamics, relationships where I lost myself in order to be somebody I was not, trying to fit into their mold in order to be loved and appreciated.  

The inner work, healing and connection to my core values and truth, have been an important piece on this path.  Some things I came to realize about myself and the relationships I want in my life were the following:  I need affection. I need to be with people who still believe in love. I need to be with those who appreciate artistic expression. I need to be with those who are open to spiritual experiences. I need to be with people who are empathetic and are fine with emotional connection.  I need to be with people who want to know me and be there.  I need to be with people who want to become more caring, aware and healthy.

You see, these were my missing pieces in my family of origin. So I had to re-train myself to know that what I yearn for is exactly what I need to create in my closest relationships.

It’s not easy, as there are always layers and layers to ourselves, our dynamics and who we are.  Yet doing the work truly leads to the rewards in who we let into our lives, hearts, bodies and spirits.

What do you want in your relationships? What do you need to feel loved? Are you getting this now? Why or why not?