Don't Take the Guilt Pill

I am someone who used to internalize the blame. It was ingrained in me from childhood where I was surrounded by adults who used guilt as a weapon. The little girl in me naturally wanted to make my parents happy and wanted to be a good kid. I had no idea that adults played manipulative games in order to power trip or control their kids. So I grew up with a sense of over-responsibility and a belief that if things went wrong it was clearly all my fault. If someone was angry with me or reprimanded me it meant that I had done something to deserve it.

What I’ve had to learn as I’ve healed and grown up was that this was anything but the truth.  I discovered that many adults like to blame, shame and guilt trip as a way to avoid personal responsibility for their failings. They’d rather spin it so they look good in the end or they feel at least righteous.

I’ve been facing this personality type lately through different faces – the landlord, my father, an ex. These people would give demanding orders to me, because some part of them would think it’s okay to speak to me this way. Being a polite, kind and diplomatic person, they see my traits as weak and incapable.  What would eventually be revealed is they were the ones who messed up, not me. 

In the past and in my younger self, I would take the blame, go into self-doubt and somehow believe that I was an inconsiderate person because they were having issues with me. I would swallow the guilt-pill whole instead of actually assessing the situation and really get that perhaps the other person is responsible for the circumstances and they are trying to find a scapegoat to blame.

But I refuse to take in the toxicity anymore. Through my healing and spiritual growth, I’ve come to know that I deserve to be treated with respect, fairness and decent communication.  I do not deserve emotional manipulation. Even if I did make a mistake, it still doesn’t warrant being dominated or blamed. A healthy and mature person would give the benefit of the doubt and ask me what happened and ask how it could be avoided in the future.

If someone is trying to guilt-trip you – that is they are trying to make you responsible for their problems, hoping that you will do something for them, such as giving them money -- don't take the bait.  They will make you feel bad about yourself and want you to feel indebted to them so they have power of you. 

There’s a difference between apologizing for something you’ve done wrong and suggesting a reasonable way to compensate, versus having someone lord it over you. 

A simple and beautiful response to someone who is trying to guilt trip you is: “I see you are upset about this and you feel I’m responsible for this. What do you want me to do about it?” 

If they come up with a reasonable solution that you can live with and that is fair given the circumstance, then great. If they whine and complain and still go on and on, then just turn to them and say that you can’t listen to this and when they are ready to give you a solution to contact you. Then walk away and steer clear until they are ready to have a mature conversation.  If they suggest something that is totally unfair that you can’t agree to, simply say that and wash your hands of the situation.  You are not here to emotionally caretake anyone. You are here to have mutually beneficial relationships with people who are meant to treat you with respect.

If you are struggling with setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life, and you feel flattened by other people’s emotional crazy, then book a free “Get to the Root of the Problem” Breakthrough session with me. I have a great package to share with you called “Feel Good Relationships” Package so you don’t have to suffer anymore in the drama.