The Power of Commitment to Change Your Life

It could be the bursting forth of spring, and the upcoming full moon on Friday, that is making things clearer about what needs to grow and what needs to be shed in order to bloom.  I have been hearing stories from clients about their aha-s and putting connections together in their realms of self-respect, inner strength and being in one’s truth. It’s so beautiful watch when people move towards who they are meant to be – especially after challenging dynamics in their life.

I’m no exception. What’s showing up for me right now is the word “commitment” to the relationships in my life. Who are my people? What used to feel right doesn’t anymore and what is emerging is who I’ve always been under the surface –an eco-witch healer with a bent for the creative. I’m claiming it – even though I’ve never liked the word “witch” before. The more I learn, the more I see that “yes – working with the earth and honouring Her has been my heart the whole time”. I claim it and commit to it in beautiful ways.

I am also starting dog training with my 8-year-old dog Max. I’m going to prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks. This is a chance for me to truly understand the nature of a dog, and to bond with him even more. This moment feels like I am committing more to our relationship even though he is an animal. Investing emotionally in our pets offers so many gifts, even though their life spans are so short. I’m excited to learn about who he is, not who I thought he has been the whole time. It’s a new lesson of love.

Speaking of love, I am getting hitched on June 1^st to my best friend and fiancé Ted. We have been engaged for 2 years, but now 6 weeks left, the reality of committing through thick and thin is becoming more apparent. Announcing to a community of people that we want to dedicate our lives to each other seems huge. Of course I have jitters. I’m a freedom seeker who likes to choose what I do with my time, money and heart. Of course, Ted is, too. Yet we both somehow know from our past experiences with relationships that true freedom and love comes with a sense of responsibility and dedication.  

These values of what we are and are not committed to define us. I’ve seen people float without any roots in who they are, their purpose or their values. It can create a whole host of problems like bad habits, relationships and loneliness.  No matter if the commitment is to a home, a cause or a relationship, it is an important factor in making a solid life, in my experience. 

If you are ready to get rooted and clear and Blossom Into Your Own this season,  I would love to support you. Just book a free40-minute strategy session here to get started…

With hugs and Happy Spring!

Heather

Your Soul's Voice

A big part of healing from toxic dynamics is accessing your truth and your voice. Talk therapists know this wisdom, as well as those who work within the expressive arts.

So many of us have been silenced by abusers or bullies, or perhaps we were not taught that our perspective, feelings and truth mattered. We are told that we have to nice, kind and complacent, going along with the status quo.

What happens when the status quo doesn’t work for us? What if we are being taken advantage of, used, or abused? Being able to sort out your truth – whether in a journal, talking to a friend or coach, or delving into an art project—can help to move you out of victimhood into claiming your own personal power.

Many people are so afraid of making judgments or not hearing the other person’s side (which is noble and a good attitude to have ultimately), that they lose touch with their own inner voice and intuition. 

I’ve had numerous experiences of workplace bullying, intimate partner power struggles and family gaslighting. The way through those experiences was for me to sit with myself, without making myself wrong about the chaos that was happening, and truly listen to my own voice that is telling me that something just does not feel right, loving, or fair. This takes the situation out of the blaming zone and moves everything into a place of self-validation. In that place, I can then decide what boundary feels right for me to create, as well as what I would feel comfortable addressing or not addressing with the other parties involved.

Imagine validating and reassuring yourself first? Really asking yourself what it is you need to feel better about the circumstances? Then decide to take appropriate, grounded action. Wouldn’t it help save you from a whole bunch of confusion and self-doubt?

Self-respect is the Key

One of the great lessons for people recovering from difficult or toxic relationships is recovering one’s sense of self. Like a tornado or hurricane that barrels in, a relationship conflict can completely throw you off balance. Confusion, self-doubt, anger and hurt get wrapped into a ball of madness. It can be so hard to know where to begin to get your strength, clarity and inner peace back.

Usually conflict comes from distorted boundaries and differing values. Two people are trying to connect or understand each other and then there are strange misunderstandings or differing goals or intentions that creep in.

There are some people who come from an intention to power-trip, bully, use or abuse. This makes the other person do a dance of not becoming the victim or having to heal from being victimized. The energetic and soul suffering of these conflicts runs deep.

How we respond to conflict is something we have learned from our family of origin, in my experience. We either fight back, runaway or totally freeze and withdraw. We will become the bully or the victim. We will engage or disengage. It all goes back to the original source of what we were taught about relationships -- how much we will or won’t tolerate in interpersonal conflict.

In my family of origin, I was taught that women had to take it – despite how they were treated. That they had to forgive and allow the abusers to “be themselves” even though they were hurting, betraying or putting the women in harm’s way. For some reason, I have been the one in the family to say “no – this is unacceptable”, upsetting the apple cart.  I want respect in order to be loved. Well that didn’t fare too well with the people who wanted to stay in power and control.  It didn’t matter to me that they were upset or angry. For me, I just knew at the core that I deserved better treatment.

This belief and energy has carried me throughout my life – at workplaces, with intimate partners, with colleagues and in the world.  I have no problem with breaking up, leaving or turning away from disrespectful and dishonouring treatment.  I wouldn’t say it is easy to do. The soul wants to love and not abandon. The great challenge is learning how to know the difference between loving oneself and loving another when facing a relationship conflict.

What I’ve come to learn about relationships that work and don’t work is that the key is self-respect. When you stay focused on your inner self – of what feels self-honouring and safe – then it is naturally easy to set a boundary. For example, if you know that you don’t feel safe around people when they are drinking heavily, it is a natural boundary to let those people in your life know that you can’t be around it and you would rather spend time with them when they are sober. They may say you are judging them, or you think you are better than them, etc. etc.  No matter what is said to you or about you, you know your own limit and boundary and you have a right to it. If the other person doesn’t value or cherish you or the relationship, and will instead choose alcohol over you, that says a lot about the relationship and the other person’s values.

This approach works for so many dynamics in your life. For example, I was living in a neighbourhood where there was high crime and drug use. As much as I can have compassion for that struggle that many are in, as I’ve supported many clients who have these issues, I fundamentally didn’t feel safe nor good about interacting with my some of my neighbours.  So out of self-respect, I set a boundary for myself and moved out of that neighbourhood. This ensured that I didn’t become more of a victim to the energies and consciousness of that area.

When we are in respect for ourselves and we set appropriate boundaries, then we don’t have to judge others – we simply see that the values and lifestyles are different. This perspective and attitude can do wonders for dispelling relationship conflicts.  We take things less personally and align more with who we are and accept who the other person is, without needing to shame or criticize or become a victim. Seeing the reality of how we do and do not want to be treated, truly strengthens oneself and naturally brings inner peace.