Self-respect is the Key

One of the great lessons for people recovering from difficult or toxic relationships is recovering one’s sense of self. Like a tornado or hurricane that barrels in, a relationship conflict can completely throw you off balance. Confusion, self-doubt, anger and hurt get wrapped into a ball of madness. It can be so hard to know where to begin to get your strength, clarity and inner peace back.

Usually conflict comes from distorted boundaries and differing values. Two people are trying to connect or understand each other and then there are strange misunderstandings or differing goals or intentions that creep in.

There are some people who come from an intention to power-trip, bully, use or abuse. This makes the other person do a dance of not becoming the victim or having to heal from being victimized. The energetic and soul suffering of these conflicts runs deep.

How we respond to conflict is something we have learned from our family of origin, in my experience. We either fight back, runaway or totally freeze and withdraw. We will become the bully or the victim. We will engage or disengage. It all goes back to the original source of what we were taught about relationships -- how much we will or won’t tolerate in interpersonal conflict.

In my family of origin, I was taught that women had to take it – despite how they were treated. That they had to forgive and allow the abusers to “be themselves” even though they were hurting, betraying or putting the women in harm’s way. For some reason, I have been the one in the family to say “no – this is unacceptable”, upsetting the apple cart.  I want respect in order to be loved. Well that didn’t fare too well with the people who wanted to stay in power and control.  It didn’t matter to me that they were upset or angry. For me, I just knew at the core that I deserved better treatment.

This belief and energy has carried me throughout my life – at workplaces, with intimate partners, with colleagues and in the world.  I have no problem with breaking up, leaving or turning away from disrespectful and dishonouring treatment.  I wouldn’t say it is easy to do. The soul wants to love and not abandon. The great challenge is learning how to know the difference between loving oneself and loving another when facing a relationship conflict.

What I’ve come to learn about relationships that work and don’t work is that the key is self-respect. When you stay focused on your inner self – of what feels self-honouring and safe – then it is naturally easy to set a boundary. For example, if you know that you don’t feel safe around people when they are drinking heavily, it is a natural boundary to let those people in your life know that you can’t be around it and you would rather spend time with them when they are sober. They may say you are judging them, or you think you are better than them, etc. etc.  No matter what is said to you or about you, you know your own limit and boundary and you have a right to it. If the other person doesn’t value or cherish you or the relationship, and will instead choose alcohol over you, that says a lot about the relationship and the other person’s values.

This approach works for so many dynamics in your life. For example, I was living in a neighbourhood where there was high crime and drug use. As much as I can have compassion for that struggle that many are in, as I’ve supported many clients who have these issues, I fundamentally didn’t feel safe nor good about interacting with my some of my neighbours.  So out of self-respect, I set a boundary for myself and moved out of that neighbourhood. This ensured that I didn’t become more of a victim to the energies and consciousness of that area.

When we are in respect for ourselves and we set appropriate boundaries, then we don’t have to judge others – we simply see that the values and lifestyles are different. This perspective and attitude can do wonders for dispelling relationship conflicts.  We take things less personally and align more with who we are and accept who the other person is, without needing to shame or criticize or become a victim. Seeing the reality of how we do and do not want to be treated, truly strengthens oneself and naturally brings inner peace.