5 Tips on How to Deal with Bullies

"Go empower yourself. You need confidence because the one thing that bullying does is it belittles you, and it takes away your confidence, and nobody deserves that."
-Bill Goldberg

1) Just because they express their anger, doesn't mean you are in the wrong. Bullies use emotions to dominate and control other people. Often that emotion is anger. Truly kind, caring and balanced people don't like feeling like they made someone angry. The truth is that we all have a choice in how we express our anger to others. If there is yelling, accusations, name-calling, intimidation, blaming, or guilt-tripping, you know you are dealing with an emotional bully.  Don't internalize their anger and see what their games are for what they are -- emotional dominance or manipulation.

2) Be okay if they use the silent treatment.  This is a common weapon of choice and one that keeps them in control of the dynamic. If you have done everything to want to communicate, dialogue or discuss the issues, and the other person goes silent, it is their power play. Do not take the bait and apologize for things. It takes two to have a conflict or challenge and it takes two people to resolve it. Unfortunately, a bully wants you to grovel and demean yourself so they can stay in control. Use their silent treatment as a chance to leave the relationship behind without guilt.

3) Document all the ways you feel crazy-made, manipulated, gaslighted or controlled. A bully can use subtle tactics like saying one thing and doing another, or they can use overt tactics like spreading vicious rumours. You can't reason with a bully but you need to keep your sanity. When you document the things that the bully does or doesn't do, then you can make a case if you need to without sounding like you are over the top. It also helps you validate yourself that you aren't just "too sensitive".

4) Look inside yourself to see if you are holding onto this relationship because you need their approval, money or networks. A bully knows your vulnerable spot and creates dependencies with vulnerable people. Check yourself to see why you tolerate and stay and see if you can find other ways to meet your needs. This helps you move away from depending on the bully and reclaiming control of yourself and your life.

5) Get support. Find a friend, counsellor, therapist or coach to talk to about your situation. Don't feel ashamed that you are being bullied. Bullies depend on you isolating yourself in self-doubt. Once you have another person to help you see the messed up behaviour of the bully, you can see more clearly and take the right action. You don't have to suffer alone.

Naming Workplace Bullying

Often the discussion of bullying is reserved for the school-aged kids. Here in Ontario we have seen dreadful outcomes for a young boy in Hamilton because no one truly believed him or protected him.  How many of us can relate to that feeling of being young and dreading school, knowing there will be teasing, gossip or physical violence? 

Why do we assume that when we get older these issues amongst our peers and or other adults go away magically? No – they just become more insidious and subversive or justified as part of a cruel and competitive world.  The hard part is trusting your intuition and naming it. If you are a kind, empathetic person, you may even believe that some part of you deserves the treatment or you’re supposed to apologize for just being yourself. 

Workplace bullies come in many disguises. The co-worker who wants to team up with you only to steal your work. The team that makes decisions behind your back or refuses to ask for your input. The boss that humiliates you in front of your co-workers or clients. The client who shames you on Facebook or a Google Review, even though you know you did well even if there were mistakes.

The hard part about workplace bullying is that your livelihood depends on earning a pay check. It’s not easy to walk away from it. So often you have to find coping mechanisms to tolerate the toxic atmosphere until you can get the heck out.

Some ways bullying shows up in the workplace are:

·        - there is an imbalance of power and control (though peer bullying is a thing, too)

·        - unable to have a decent, balanced conversation to address concerns

·        - the use of emotions such as intimidation, anger, guilt-tripping or shaming to destabilize you and make you feel bad about yourself

·        - circular arguments

·        - gaslighting (twisting of events and facts) to make you believe you are the crazy one

·        - strategizing behind your back but denying anything is happening

·        - verbal or physical aggression

·        - pettiness

·        - bringing up past mistakes that you thought were resolved

·        - try to smear your reputation

·        - belittling you with criticisms or sarcasms on a regular basis

·        - threatening or blackmailing you

Often times, the ones who are new, are low in status and have little influence are the ones who are scapegoated. Bullies know who to pick on and are well-versed (perhaps from their school-age days) on how to dominate and overpower others. As a kind, empathetic or sensitive person, you do not need to suffer alone. Step one is to educate yourself and name bullying for what it is. Step two is to share what you are going through with someone you trust who can validate you. Step three is to know your boundaries and how to respond. Step four is to remove yourself from the bullying through reporting it or getting another position.

If you are recovering from this dynamic at a workplace, please reach out to book a FREE “YourNext 3 Steps to Thrive Again” Strategy Session with me.  We’ll see if I can help you heal, grow and flourish after this toxic workplace dynamic. I know ‘cuz I’ve been there!