Do You Overgive?

‘Tis the season of giving and receiving. Whether we agree with the consumer culture or not of the holidays, there is a sense of completing the year with a sense of giving something – appreciation, cookies, a card or a gift.

It makes me reflect on the dynamics of relationships. True balanced relationships have an equal sense of giving and receiving that allows for mutual satisfaction. 

We often see this trait of “it’s better to give than receive” as something noble and to aspire to. I believe the essence of that message is telling us the importance of thinking of others as well as ourselves not instead of ourselves.

True giving comes from a genuine space within one’s heart and mind. It is meant to convey love, kindness, support and meaning.

When giving sets you or others off-balance, it starts to be weird and icky, creating a host of resentments.

We ultimately should give without expectation. That is true. On an energetic scale, in relationships, it is wiser to give as much to someone as you feel they can give back to you. This creates respect, care, and an honest connection between the two of you. You see, when you over-give to someone, it puts them into a position of feeling small and helpless and dependent on you, like a child.

How many times have you had someone give too much to you and then you felt indebted to them? You may have even felt like they are using gifts or favours as a way to either compensate for guilt or low self-esteem. They may even be avoiding closeness by using material objects as their buffer from having real conversations. That’s right. Sometimes over-giving is a way to avoid intimate connection with others, making the giver and receiver feel lonely and empty.

How about the times when someone has given you a gift that falls flat – sending the message that they really don’t get you at all. Through the person’s desire to give out of obligation it has actually created a sense of distance in the relationship.

Or what about situations where you put your all into an organization, and you find out that they don’t really recognize your efforts. They may actually take the advice more from who doesn’t put in the same amount of time and effort. In this case, subconsciously people feel they can trust and respect the person who has healthy boundaries of time, money and how much and how little they are willing to give.

From over 10 years of serving clients, I have seen so many kind-hearted, caring and spiritually focused people come to me. Some are exhausted, feeling like they aren’t getting the love and support they want and they just don’t understand what they are doing wrong. I usually examine the relationships in their lives and see which ones are out of balance – especially with ways they are enabling the dysfunction by giving too many excuses or work harder emotionally to keep the dynamic going.

When we give ourselves the space to honestly explore our motives when we over-give we may actually uncover a more selfish reason. We don’t want to be alone. We want to be liked or loved. We want to be seen as good people. These are all ways the ego talks to us and tells us we have to work hard in order to earn love and respect. This is not the case at all. If we are self-aware of our limits, feeling in our hearts the care and love we have for another person and really tune into what they need, asking ourselves what we can and cannot offer, you can find the perfect, touching and meaningful gift that brings you closer as people. Sometimes that gift is simply time to share and listen. Other times it’s actually an object.

Either way, you end up creating more impactful and genuine love in your life.

Here’s to a holiday of balanced giving and receiving so you can start 2020 in a fresh and uplifting way.