Being Cheated On...

You may have had that dreaded day when your greatest fear in the relationship comes true – you’ve been cheated on. Your partner has crossed that line and either you found the evidence, there was a confession or the lover contacted you.  You may have suspected it, felt it, or convinced yourself that it wouldn’t happen, but it did.  And now you are left with the pains of wondering what went wrong, questioning if it was somehow your fault. Or perhaps you want to rage out in revenge at the lover or your partner.  No matter what anyone seems to say to soothe you, it just feels horrible.

I know because I’ve been there.  Numerous times. This was before I owned my intuition and spiritual connection or faith. I stayed, though, because there was a part of me that was kind and forgiving, and really had no tools on how to respond to this. I would deny it, or turn a blind eye, or suppress how it made me feel.  Or find another way to act out the hurt I had swallowed down.

My first boyfriend, Mike, in teenage-hood was a flirt, and apparently it had to get so bad that his friends were moved to approach me, saying that couldn’t stand how he treated me, implying that he was cheating on me.  But I stayed, not wanting to judge him nor did I have the guts to dump him. Then I had another boyfriend who came home late at night from drinking.  I overheard a phone message from a woman saying “don’t come over anymore because my boyfriend is getting out of jail and he would be really angry if he found you here.” (no kidding!) Okay, with that call, I did lose it, because I was young, naïve and trusting at the time and couldn’t believe that he was going after someone who had a criminal boyfriend.  It was the last straw with him, but I really liked his family.  I felt guilty for leaving him, and couldn’t deliver the bad news. My third try was with a partner who I was with for 5 years or so, but about 2 years into the relationship I had found evidence in the wastebasket.  I knew he had been with someone, perhaps a mutual friend. He denied it but it sent me into a tunnel of depression.  I rationalized it with – oh well, boys will be boys.

This trail of infidelity has kept following me. It is hard not to take it personally.  Have I become fat? Ugly? Boring? A nag? Insecure? Am I over-reacting? Should I just accept that these are “modern times”? 

What I wasn’t doing was listening to myself. My own knowing and ethics. I felt trapped in shock. But in hindsight, I wasn’t meant to be with these guys. Or perhaps, from a higher perspective, I was meant to be with them to show me how comfortable I was with this kind of treatment so I could choose differently. My male role models were anything short of stellar in their treatment of women and their sexuality.  My stepfather would flirt with women in front of my mom and I’m sure he had multiple affairs, though my mom wouldn’t outright say it. My biological father had also cheated on my mom often, until she just couldn’t stand being told that people thought my dad’s wife was a blonde (my mom has very dark hair). So I didn’t have high expectations or standards about men in the sexual department. I figured that you might as well accept that their sexuality is one to stray and commitment is simply a lie to them.  I lowered my expectations in relationships with men.  I had this attitude for most of my life, programmed into me by media, the men around me, and other women’s heartbreaks. I didn’t want to be caught in the game of naiveté like the other people I met, and avoided being in a relationship for a long time.  

I saw the games being played in relationships, the lack of maturity to just communicate honestly and openly about needs instead of roles, hiding sexual preferences and reserving them for the lover outside of the marriage.  But you know what? The lover is suffering, too, in the dynamic.  Often he/she has been told a whole slew of stories in order to make it feel okay, perhaps even being told that one day they will be united.  Only that “one day” never comes.  The lover can fall into a spell of feeling special, somehow more interesting and mystical than the spouse at home.  I know because this happened to me once, too, where I got blindsided in a love triangle of false promises and precepts.

But being the spouse/partner who is deceived carries so many emotional upsets – questioning and doubting the whole relationship, beating yourself up over the circumstances, vacillating between being a crazy, raging hysterical person to calm, cold and suspicious, then wanting to desperately forgive and wave the magic wand to make it all better out of fear of losing everything.  And you know what? Although those are very real feelings, and they are natural, the reality is that the Universe is sending signals that this spouse/mate is not meant to be for you – because they have other serious problems around fantasy and reality, intimacy and sexuality, unable to talk about those taboo sexual feelings, and a whole lot of other issues.  So it really isn’t about you, the person being cheated on.  The only responsibility you have is that niggling gut feeling that you always knew something was fishy, or when you pulled away emotionally at the slightest conflict, creating more distance between you and your partner, avoiding the issues that need to be addressed before it happens.

Placing responsibility where it belongs has helped me to take away the part that many victims often do – internalize the transgressions and believe she has to fix it or she is somehow responsible for the straying partner’s choices. Now if there is genuine remorse, genuine consideration for your feelings, and a willingness to go to therapy, then there is hope for the relationship, and it’s possible for there to be deeper trust and intimacy between the two of you.  But if you feel it’s over, it’s important to get a higher perspective and see the situation more clearly, instead of believing that you are unattractive, unlovable, etc.  Because I was stuck in that for a few years and actually believed the lies.  It created a whole lot of suffering in my life, feeling like no one could understand this deep sadness within me. Because, in essence, my heart was seriously broken – shattered to the core – making me disbelieve in myself and love.  When the reality was that my previous partners could not hold love well or mature into speaking about their sexual needs in the relationship.  Even though I was honestly open to that, gratefully willing to know each other better and communicate, I chose guys who really were womanizers at heart.

If you are having a difficult time with a recent heartbreak or feeling disillusioned by your relationship, and you feel you are alone in your suffering, please know you are not. There are many people who can relate. There is no need to hide in feelings of shame, anger and regret.  Please consider reaching out to me. I have Life After Heartbreak Programs™ to help you recover your sense of self and find the love you’re yearning for from within.  The soul path is all about understanding yourself better so you can give and receive love from a healthy place, encouraging more happiness in your life. Because you are a totally beautiful soul on all levels and you don’t deserve to be pulled down by someone else’s immature choices or perceptions.

Facing Our Fears

About 7 years ago, I travelled to Oaxaca City, Mexico in hopes of living there. I didn’t realize that I’d have the most heart-wrenching, spiritual and mystical experiences of my life there.  It was there that I opened up to the whole experience of the other side, having near death experiences, synchronistic events and having to face many of my illusions about how things are “supposed to be”.  

Oaxaca City is a unique place in Mexico, in that it is the hotbed of activity for El Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Every year, on what we would celebrate as hallowe’en in Canada and the States, people decorate candy as skulls and commune with those who have died through dancing, singing and parades of flowers.  Every day while I was in Oaxaca City, I faced death, either in the cracks in the sidewalks because of earthquakes that had come and gone, black widow spiders that sleep underneath the bedframes or the threat of extreme violence against women that is rampant in the culture.  One of the largest protests in modern Mexican history also broke out while I was there, which says a lot for Mexico because it is a protest culture.

In order to cope, I would meditate every morning by breathing in gratitude for being alive, staying focused on the beauty and gifts of the simple things like someone preparing tortillas on the side of the road, or smelling wafts of dark chocolate being added to the chicken dinner, or the beauty of how some women braided their hair every day.  With the threat of death, all I could hold onto was the sacred simplicity of life.  This awareness of what matters opened me up to a whole other realization of how each of us are challenged to face these perceived realities of life, death and suffering and break through to the barrier of beauty, love, life and gentleness.  

But fears don’t have to be so daunting, violent or threatening. They can be subtle, internal and quiet.  Every day I grow and shift, I recognize that I carry fears from my past that block me from my potential.  For example, I was a really smart girl.  I would see and think critically at what was presented before me. I had a strong sense of inequalities, prejudices and false roles ever since I was a child.  But my questions, confusions and forthrightness would always get me into trouble because I would call a spade a spade and that would threaten the masks that people would wear in their perceptions of what is socially acceptable and what is required to fit in.  

I experienced the double standard that a girl who vocalizes her intelligence is bossy, boasting or believes she’s better than everyone else.  Whereas the boy is simply confident and had something valuable to say.   

And in order for me to be liked by boys, I learned how to downplay my intelligence, even though I’d have times when I'd be more accurate than they were in their deductions or debates.  The lack of acknowledgment of my intelligence made me give up on it, folding up my wings and deciding to just wait for another lifetime.  I did this because I had a fear of other people thinking I was better than them. I was afraid that no one would like me. I was afraid of being arrogant. Afraid of being criticized and attacked by others. And you know what?  All of those fears are completely based on other people’s low self-esteem, and their perceptions of what girls are supposed to be like. 

I know in my heart that I was not pushing my intelligence in other people’s faces, and not trying to make them feel less than me. I was just a girl who loved school, embraced the challenge and needed an outlet to fulfill this divine gift I was graced with. 

Understanding how I’ve been holding back my potential because of my fears of how other people would treat me, has made me want to overcome this persistent negative force and move in the direction of who I was supposed to be, integrated into the gender I’ve been assigned to.  By facing this fear, I can create the necessary resources to safely bring out this part of myself and to commit to offering a nugget of gold that can impact the eternal experience of many girls and women who will follow me after I'm gone.  Even in this so-called day of feminism and women's empowerment in the West, there are many silent barriers within girls and women that have been passed down the generations. To truly know who the archetypal "she" is and what her true feelings are is still a journey of truth and exploration. So long as fears of not belonging or fears of others linger in the world, her voice will continue to be timid. This is what i hope to change.

So what fears are gripping you right now? What would you do differently if you didn’t allow them to run the show.  How can you transform that heaviness into a whole new dance in your life?

If you feel you need support to come more into your wholeness and let go of the negative energy that traps you from your potential, please consider booking a session with me.  

 I have tools and experience to help you walk through to the other side of laughter, fulfillment and divine connection.  Because death is merely a gateway to the greatest illusion.  And only you are responsible for deciding whether you want to living a comfortable but spiritual dead life, or if you want to bring more contentment and passion into your life.  

 For more info, visit: www.BlossomingHeart.ca

Giving Thanks to Those Beings Who’ve Come Before Us

Just this past weekend, I went to a Sweat Lodge close to my community.  Each time I go to a Lodge, I know I’m going to walk away with a gem of wisdom or transformation that will carry me for a long time.  This one was no different.  

I learned more about the traditions of the stones coming in – known as Grandmothers and Grandfathers.  By being willing to join us at the Sweat, these stones are offering their long kept wisdom and knowledge that have been stored within them for hundreds of years.  By heating and awakening them, they provide us with the energy and guidance to grow as people.   I asked the Sweat Lodge Facilitator how to tell the difference between a Grandmother and a Grandfather stone.  She said that the stones that break are Grandmothers because they are opening up their hearts.  What a gift! I was reminded that the traditional role of the masculine is to create safety and protection so that the feminine heart can open and bless the world. 

She also affirmed something for me that I have felt for a long time. That women who do not have children by middle age are destined for Spiritual Warriorship – that we have come into this lifetime to fulfill our purpose in a different way.  This gave me great meaning and truth of my journey so far of being misunderstood or pressured by others to have children when my soul knew that this was not what I was meant to do. I was here to bring in something entirely different into the world. Hence, Blossoming Heart Intuitive Arts.

At this ceremony there was a theme coming up about tyrants and perfectionists.  I asked the Facilitator why it is that I seem to attract tyrants in my life, explaining that I have a tongue-in-cheek joke that if Hitler were alive, he’d end up falling in love with me.  No kidding! I’ve attracted the most intense male energies that have made me feel anything but safe.  The facilitator said that there is something within me that is attracting this because I am too hard on myself.  Which, when I looked at how I danced with the tyrant, in ways where I would unconsciously allow them to be dominating and overpowering and send me into self-doubt, she was totally right.  

The issue of the perfectionist also came up in the lodge with a woman who had a hard time extending kindness towards herself even though she could extend it to others.  Sound familiar to anyone?  The inner critic that doesn’t allow us to make mistakes, is on-guard 24/7, and tells us we have to be more – whether that be more beautiful, thinner, sexier, wealthier, more talented, more interesting, more creative, etc. It’s so bloody exhausting!  And it stops us dead in our tracks and blocks us from simply experiencing the flow of love in our lives and to make choices that feel good and full of ease.

Everyone in the lodge could relate with this harsh energy in our lives, and praying to not be so darned hard on ourselves.  Because ultimately mistakes can simply mean failed expectations – either yours or another’s – and clashing standards of reality.  For example, I am NOT a clean freak. And this has gotten me into all sorts of trouble with people who are, what I would call, control freaks because of their Mr. Clean standards.  I could beat myself up and tell myself I have to improve this part of myself, etc. etc. But the reality is, I don’t care that much about having everything squeaky clean.  In fact, I prefer the flow of people, art, and fulfilling my life purpose than I do about scraping the egg off the pan and would just leave it to soak when it’s easier.  So who is 

right and who is wrong? No one. Just different standards.

We came out of the lodge with more self-acceptance and letting go of this intense energy that has blocked our natural selves and created a whole other matter of havoc in our inner lives and relationship with the world.  We thanked our ancestors, the Great Spirit, Mother Earth, our Guides and all beings that supported us for this sweat which opened up so much more unconditional love in our lives.    

So this (Canadian) Thanksgiving, I say” thank you” to you – the people who have entrusted me with your life journeys of healing and soul development in all areas of your life and took the risk to try a spiritual approach to your decisions.  And I would encourage you to put your hand over your heart, hold it there, and say “Thank you” to yourself for desiring love, kindness, courage and your soul’s greatness in the world.  We need more people like you who care about living a life that is more caring, purposeful and connected to your relationships. Please know you deserve treatment that is gentle and kind, even when it needs to be confrontational about any habits that do not serve your greater good.

If you are interested in connecting to and gaining the ancient wisdom of your ancestors, please consider joining me at a Soul Constellations Gathering.  It is a group ceremonial event rooted in shamanism, psychodrama and energy healing.  It is nothing short of profound and allows you to walk away with greater insight and strength for your life journey.  There is a woman’s gathering coming up this weekend on Friday Oct 17^th in Peterborough: http://blossoming-heart.ticketleap.com/soul-constellations-weekend-for-women/

and a Pay-What-You-Feel gathering in Guelph (a mixed gathering) on Sun Oct 26^th: http://blossoming-heart.ticketleap.com/soul-constellations/

Because we can always use more wisdom and heart opening in our lives….