Ahhh! Relationships!

Relationships are meant to bring us closer to love.  But how many of us have been completely shattered by conflicts in relationships because of miscommunication, dysfunctional behaviour, childhood issues or workplace dynamics.  No one is perfect in consciously relating with others, and dear me, I’ve made my own mistakes with projecting anger, frustration and difficulty with others.  So I’m by no means trying to say I’ve mastered it. But I strive. 

Often times we cannot choose the relationships we come into contact with, whether that be with perfect strangers on the street, or co-workers, or in-laws that automatically become family members we have to eat holiday dinner with.  Yet we know on a deep level that we are in a weird web of interpersonal relating, whether we like it or not, and our presence, words and even absence, has an impact on others.  It is through the good and the bad relationships that grow in lessons around wisdom, self-awareness, discernment and the difference between true love and toxic love. 

An important understanding that has helped me through life, has been that every person is heartbroken at some level.  Even the successful, beautiful and privileged person.  We all suffer from a separation from the source of divine love, and there is a loneliness that gets acted out in the world.  Some will lean towards addictions. Others with power-mongering. And others through over-achieving.  Anything to feel like one matters or one wants to escape from the pain.  Having this view, makes my heart soften with compassion for all of the ways we create our own suffering and to see that which scares us through more loving eyes.  Yet, part of the spiritual path is to not be naive about others thus becoming an unconditionally loving oozing doormat.  You are meant to experience life with health, strength, feeling loved and safe within, and to bring your natural talents to the world. Anyone who is not treating themselves, you or others in an honouring way is worthy of learning challenging lessons, including not being coddled in your womb of eternal sympathy.  We are each here to teach each other about respect and fundamental equality.  When that is transgressed or betrayed, it is a wake up call for each of us to grow up and choose to stand in life, love and healthy relating. 

But this is not easy for those who have a compassionate bent and feel guilty for taking a stand or for having to end a relationship. I’ve seen so many people come into my healing room riddled with self-doubt and self-blame, unable to see clearly that they were in an abusive dynamic or that the other person was not able to receive love.  And I can see this because I, too, am someone who has had to learn the messy lessons of what true compassion and love is, as opposed to disempowering and dishonouring dynamics that leave you wounded and debilitated.  Love does not ask you to hurt yourself in order to prove you care.  It simply asks you to be a presence of love, kindness and offer assistance when you can.  

Unlearning unhealthy relationship habits and knowing what your basic rights are, is one of the greatest challenges in life, self-love and interdependence.  I wrote this list of tips to help guide others towards new approaches.

Here are 9 rules to live by for inviting in healthier relationships:

1)  Remember your talents, dreams, goals and passions and never let them go for anybody

2)   If someone puts you down in any way – for your spiritual path, your body, your inabilities or anything else -- let them know how it felt. It is important to give that person the benefit of the doubt. If they continue to do this, then consider whether the relationship is worth staying in.

3)   Write down a list of 5 “non-compromisables” – that is, these are values or things you just absolutely won’t budge on.  For example, I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who does recreational drugs.  No excuses or justifications.  I just won’t allow it.

4)   Schedule alone time for yourself to explore things that are important to you or bring you enjoyment.  Being able to stay in the company of yourself ensures that you stay centred in what is right or true for you, making you less vulnerable to losing yourself in another person.  

5)   Examine if you have a critical voice inside of you and how you may be perceiving yourself and others.  Make friends with this voice and see if you can find out what it’s trying to protect you from.  Often times we will attract others who carry a similar critical voice, blocking us from having loving relationships.  We surround ourselves with this because, at the root, we have a fear of intimacy.

6)   Write down 5 negatives you tell yourself and see where those beliefs came from.  How are they still running the show?  What are new ways of seeing yourself that shifts these beliefs?

7)   Do you let others stomp all over you? Or take advantage of your kindess? Perhaps you suffer from being too nice to those who have no ability to receive kindness and understanding.  Relationships are 2-way and there is nothing uplifting or loving by over-giving to someone who has no concept of receiving love.  Always be kind, but choose who to pour your energy into and who to give just a dabbling to.  

8)  How do you feel about love? What’s your experience with it? Has it been infatuation? Or confusion? Or heartache? Or unrequited? Or unavailable?  Love is the essence of the Universe, but we often block it by a warped relationship we have with Love itself.  See how you are dancing with love and notice who you’re dancing with because of it.  Learning a new tune, can bring you those who dance to a more uplifting beat.

9)   Send appreciation to those who really matter to you in the form of letters, gifts, encouragement or understanding.  And let go trying to get the attention of people who won’t give you the time of day.  What we see as rejection can actually be a blessing of spiritual protection.  Let go trying to be loved by everybody.

If you feel entangled in bizarre dynamics and are having a hard time self-strengthening, you may want to consider booking a FREE InitialLearn to Love Yourself session, so you can gain the wisdom and abilities to become more assertive, clear and confident in your personal relationships so you can thrive instead of just survive.  

Click here to book your session.