I’m currently at a Traditional Healing Retreat, where I’ve
had to face some of my most challenging issues in life – all that has been
disempowering me and creating inner turmoil.
I was reminded at how this movement of spiritual awakening has created
an inner pressure to have to stand in the light, to have to be strong in the
heart and to present one’s truest divine self.
But what about the part of me that doesn’t feel strong, vibrant, loving,
trusting, faithful, happy, and all of that? What about the part of me that’s afraid, hurt,
weak, unloved or unloveable?
As I was receiving the healing, I was uplifting all these
memories of minor and major traumas – a big one being sexual abuse and
harassment in the home as a child that carried over into adulthood. And how I thought I had dealt with this
issue.
But the stress in my body and the pressure I feel to have to
please were all still there – I was still treating my body like an object, having
to be perfect and to perfom to the standards and conditions of the masculine
world. In essence, I was still dancing with my perpetrator who wanted me to be
something more, great, beautiful, fantastic, pleasurable and serving. My spiritual approach to life was still
haunted by the female, subservient personality.
What I discovered in the healing was that I was denying my
victimhood so much that I was losing touch with self-compassion. Because who really wants to admit to being
victimized? In the realm of
spirituality, many people are so focused on “the illusion of victimhood”, or
that “it was your karma and you just have to accept it”, or “just forgive and
move on” or “give it to God”, that it blocks really facing the hurt, sadness, violations
and inner voice of the abuse. And the
movement of having to take a detached stance only creates more numbness and
dissociation. It stops the important
process of expressing clearly the part of the self that gives in and gives up,
and doesn’t pass the appropriate responsibility to the perpetrator, creating a
whole mess of internal conflicts. Staying in denial can actually perpetuate the
abuse inflicted on oneself or on others.
I saw in the session that owning my victimhood is actually
an empowering, compassionate and honest act. It allows me to reclaim a part of
myself that was lost in the unspoken or unacknowledged hurts and the
experiences of being overwhelmed by another’s objectification of me. So I can now begin to have a voice, and set
healthy, intuitive boundaries with the world, with sexuality, with the
masculine, and not to continue the cycle of unconscious abuse.
So as much as I feel I have overcome a lot, and I feel I have
stepped into aspects of my power, I’m still holding a place within my heart
that is hesitant, afraid, uncertain, and overwhelmed. And that is okay. I don’t have to be perfect
or fantastic. I can calmly tell myself,
I’m allowed to feel whatever I need to, and so is someone else, and those
feelings are gateways of caution and have a lot to guide me in my walk in the
world. This allows me to relate to that
place within another that is divine and is terrified, making both places equally
loveable, real and a gift for greater wisdom and compassion in the world and with
others. They hold great medicine to give permission to feel, speak and walk in
one’s truth—scars and all—merging street sense with soul wisdom. And life can finally be felt in whole, balanced,
embodied and grounded way, without being haunted by the past of hurts and
fears. Because honestly, this earth walk
with others who do not understand love, or their inner divinity, does create
many unnecessary bumps and bruises. Seeing
it, feeling it, and returning it to where it belongs is a major key to true
healing and spiritual awakening.
Heather Embree provides ceremonial healing circles, called
Soul Constellations, to help restore the missing pieces of the soul from a
spiritual and intuitive perspective. For
more information, visit: www.blossomingheart.ca
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