Liking What You See in the Mirror

I just came back from a weekend of Self-Inquiry that my partner, Russell Scott, facilitated.  I was wanting to examine this inner Orphan Archetype that I’ve been carrying around with me throughout my life.  I had many stories to tell about being the “orphan” in the family.  The poor cousin. The one whose parents divorced. The one who was emotionally and physically abandoned by her father. The one who didn’t have a mother because she suffered from depression and was withdrawn from life and her children. The one who didn’t have any parental guidance and had to grow up too fast too soon. The one who didn’t belong in the Canadian culture or the Jamaican culture. The one who always seemed to have to be rescued by someone or something. The one who couldn’t seem to get it together and find a place to root herself.  The one who was always on the verge of poverty and being misunderstood.

Throughout the weekend, I explored many facets of the Orphan Archetype within my Being.  I got to see how it was infiltrating into my sense of aloneness in the world. Feeling unsupported, afraid, untrusting of others and the Universe.  I saw how I identified with the “Little Orphan Annie” movie, waiting for some rich guy to take care of me so I could be the singing, dancing and spirited little girl in the world who was charming, cute and totally myself.  I saw how much I felt rejected by middle and upper class culture, and how I have mixed feelings about the wealthy – wanting to fit in and yet stumbling over my swing-from-the-hip street sense, my not quite put-together fashion sense, and my feelings of always being utterly disorganized in my life.  The deep fears of abandonment and rejection by others were nestled deeply within this Inner Orphan.

It became clear how this is a very real archetype that most of humanity is playing out, because we all, on some level, feel orphaned by our divine source or others in our life, not trusting the process of life, love and relationships.  Fears, survivalism, fierce independence, lack of trust of others and violence are all rooted in the orphan experience.   

I saw it in the kids I worked with at an Organization for Streetchildren that I volunteered for in Oaxaca, Mexico. The look in these children’s eyes of having no one care about them as they faced very real and brutal hardships in their everyday lives.  Telling them to preserve their innocence and just be playful kids was as laughable as telling a donkey to moo like a cow.  The realities these kids faced in their lives were beyond what most people in Canada ever experience – other than if you live on a First Nations Reserve.  Child prostitution, the threat of AIDS and other diseases, homelessness, disgust from the wealthy, slave labour, parental figures who use them to beg for money from tourists…the list goes on.  Their reality and their need to survive at all costs represents the deepest shame of the adults (tourists and locals) in our world who want to look the other way or even take advantage of the way a child inherently trusts adults or needs adults for their food and shelter.  

Seeing this reality made me have to look at all the ways I have behaved out of desperation, dependency, and any part of me that can get mean and greedy because of the fear of lack or having others take advantage of me.  In the Orphan experience, I can access the depths of compassion for my and others’ human experience and how our ego state of feeling separate and alone happens.  The Orphan in me can see through the lens of lack, feeling inadequate, less than others, hurt, disillusioned by the world, tainted, broken, and grasping for something – anything – to hold onto just for a day.  It doesn’t plan, doesn’t see a future, doesn’t even know where to begin.  It makes compromises in one’s dignified life and will say or do anything to make a buck.  

I’ve fortunately been blessed to have experienced and currently live in a safe community in Canada in a middle class society where there are social programs and the ability to make my own living.  I have had the grace, desire, talents and encouragement from others to seek and feel my spirit and choose a more fulfilling, engaged, and non-violent life.  But I’m very aware and sometimes haunted by the experiences I’ve encountered by living and working in foreign countries to know that it is a privilege to have received this kind of support in my life so I can live with more dignity and personal choice. Basic safety is something many Canadians take for granted.

Part of my self-inquiry this past weekend was to allow my Inner Orphan to receive love for herself instead of focusing on getting love from others.  To know that no matter what, she is cared about, loved and understood by a greater Spirit.  She does not need to gain approval, acceptance or belonging with anyone else but herself.  She is ultimately only answerable to her own standards and codes of behaviour.  And this is where the liberating moment happened.  I realized that the spiritual journey is all about “LIKING WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR.”  

Think about it.  Loving yourself through everything is different than LIKING yourself.  I can love myself even if I eat too much ice cream, or I pick fights with others, or I fail to call back a friend.  I can make many excuses for myself and still feel love for myself. But my self-esteem will certainly be affected. Because there is a part of me that knows I’m lying to myself and I don’t like the person I am or who I’m becoming.  This is different than beating myself up. It’s just a betrayal of my own standards and preferences.   

The journey is all about liking who you are, as you would choose who you want to like as a friend.  Many teachers say that preferences are merely ego-distractions that create more divisions amongst people but I’m coming to realize that it is through our soul preferences that we come closer to knowing what works for us and what doesn’t and who we want to hang around with and give our energy to and who we don’t. Our soul preferences (rather than – oh I prefer fluffy cats over big sheep dogs) can actually bring more of our personal spirit into the world.  They help us set our own boundaries and can create a greater sense of healthy living so we can create a life that is inline with our personal standards, codes of ethics, compassion and happiness. 

If I can’t look in the mirror and be proud of myself, then I have no leg to stand on.  And that means I have to make some pretty profound changes in my life to be sure I’m more in alignment with my true heart.    Which is exactly what happened to me 10 years ago.  I actually did look in the mirror and didn’t like who I was becoming – a government worker, living in downtown Toronto, drinking too much on the weekends through socializing with superficial artsy types, having casual sexual relationships with men I didn’t even really like in regards to what they were doing with their lives.  In essence, my life was empty – it had none of ME in it.  My true heart was a hippie-type, mystic, nature-loving, deep-thinking writer/artists, holistic person who had a lot of compassion for others.  Instead I was becoming a Toronto hipster snob, hobnobbing with people who had no substance, on the verge of catching an STD.  It was all wrong and backwards. But I was living out the Orphan archetype and just taking an easy route of doing what I had to do to in order to survive in Toronto.

So this past weekend I really got how much that part of me was there in my life and still lingering around. I thanked this part of me for helping me survive but I wanted more than that. I wanted to feel alive, trusting, spirited, connected more to my heart, less dependent on others, but still open to sharing and interdependence.  Through my exploration I realized that I actually LIKE the person I am now. I’ve changed and transformed my life in a way where I’m doing intuitive work for others, helping people on deep levels, living in an eco-friendly neighbourhood in Guelph and am a vegetarian in a committed relationship with someone who wants to know ME.  I’m living my values and can look in the mirror and say “hello, friend – I really really like you and who you’ve become...” and gleam with soul pride.  There’s still more to grow in, but now I know the compass of how to bring more of my soul into my life and how to make those choices that are truly right for me.

I highly recommend going through this inner inquiry process if you’re still feeling like you’re not quite tuned into yourself and living the life that is in alignment to your deepest truth and feelings.  My partner, Russell, offers workshops and one-on-one sessions to get you there. He works with people who want to embody and live from their inner truth. Here’s his web site in case you'd like to book a session with him: www.truesourceseminars.com

Or if you’re ready to heal your heart from past relationships that have made you doubt yourself and your direction in life, and you want to work with me, I offer various services of soul mentorship to guide you on the path to really like who you are despite how others may have treated you, through www.blossomingheart.ca

Because what you see in the mirror of your soul is ultimately all that matters.