Two Years Later: The Hidden Challenges with The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca

It’s been 2 years since the launch of the children’s book, The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca, that I wrote and self-published. The story is about a woman named Reyna I met and befriended years ago while I was living in Oaxaca City, Mexico.  She is visually impaired, since birth, from a genetic defect that her father had.  In order to survive, her father played accordion as a way to make money on the streets. There are no social programs for people with disabilities in Mexico, and most people have to endure this kind of life in a state of poverty, unless they have other family members who can care for them. 

At a young age, a man pursued Reyna and made false promises.  She ended up getting pregnant with her one and only child, Sabina.  In a Catholic and patriarchal culture, this would have been seen as a major social stigma.

Instead of giving up, instead of going into bitterness, Reyna chose to be a role model to her daughter instead, to show her there are more possibilities than meets the eye, literally and figuratively.  Reyna decided that she wanted to learn English as a Second Language, much to her parents’ disapproval. They couldn’t understand why she would waste her time getting an education. But Reyna persisted.

In Oaxaca, they value democratic education greatly. They offer free or low-cost education to its citizens.  Reyna took advantage of these programs. At the Infantil Esperanza, the organization for street children where I met Reyna, they funded the translation of her textbooks into braille and aligned her with volunteers, like myself, who could help her learn English through conversation. Reyna’s commitment to learning, toting this huge textbook around with her, while having her daughter in tow and walking without sight, was beyond inspiring.  She automatically made friends with foreigners so she could expand her understanding of the world, while also having the possibility of people who could offer financial support in some way. She never begged, nor did she ask. One just couldn’t help but fall in love with her and her courage and just want to see her succeed and do well. 

The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca was my answer to help Reyna, because I am someone who doesn’t make a stable or large income as an entrepreneur and artist.

I thought that this project would be easy to deliver and it had the potential to be widely successful – not in a grandiose way, but in a way that would touch people’s hearts and raise awareness of the issues in Mexico and Reyna’s path as a leader.

I had visions of Reyna being a role model both in Canada and Mexico for people living with disabilities.

This book was also my way of intertwining the feminine quality of Mexico – which is seriously bruised and battered – and present the sensuality and soul of the culture so others could be touched and moved to preserve it. I wanted people here to feel the magic of Oaxaca City, from what I experienced, as one of the divine and thriving centres in Mexico, where art, music, social change and cultural preservation were revealing itself.

I wanted to make a difference for the children who lived close to the streets in Mexico, where they were abandoned because of their parents wanting to make a better life in the U.S. or they had to do migrant labour.  Poverty breeds so many problems and no one can really be blamed for how they earn their living there.  It’s a sick system on all class levels. Regardless, I still saw hope in the most vulnerable kids having a brighter future, a different outcome than what was expected of them –the army, the drug trade or prostitution were some of the only options. 

My dream has been that the book would be published in braille and Spanish and it would be distributed in Oaxaca City.

My Canadian, liberal-minded self wanted to see this project make some profound waves. But I had to check my cultural arrogance.  I had to think first and foremost of Reyna’s well-being and get real.  Sadly, kidnappers and thugs linger heavily in the background of Mexico.  Even since I was last there, there has been a rise of kidnappings of regular storekeepers and average citizens, because drug dealers are getting desperate.  I became very aware, as I was making big plans for the book, that if some people know that Reyna is connected to a foreign woman, then her and her daughter’s life could be in harm’s way. My life could be in harm’s way if I travelled back there.

Isn’t this so sad? A simple children’s book, meant to open the hearts of kids and parents alike, to make a difference in the world, has to have a certain level of hiding because of the darkness and corruption that exists in the world?  Yet, I understand, deeply, the state of affairs in Mexico. I can’t even blame the drug dealers – they were once kids who were abandoned and left for dead when they were young. They, too, are caught in a horrible world, where they never had the benefits of dreaming and imagining a different life. They have lost touch with their sensuality and gentleness. They only know desperation and greed and violent ways.

I have to trust that what I’ve done so far with the book – distributing 200 copies and sending money to the Organization for Streetchildren and to Reyna – will make a difference. That it will have some kind of ripple effect in the lives and consciousness of the world. Where the child’s heart of Mexico will eventually return to a good place within each person. Where parents and children alike are given a fair chance at a better way of life.  

Rescuing Oneself

My role in my family was the rescuer.  It is a position that comes from growing up in a state of crisis and seeing people I loved getting hurt.  Some could say I karmically chose my family in order to be this type of person in the world – without it, I wouldn’t have done the volunteering I’ve done. I wouldn’t have gone on the path of holistic healing and service. I wouldn’t have spent time listening to others, and wanting to help.  The main problem though, with being the rescuer, is that there will always need to be a crisis, drama triangle or difficult dynamic in order to validate the rescuer’s existence. 

What the heck would happen to me if there was world peace? No cause to take on? No one to be there for? Who am I without that role?  The shadow side of the rescuer is that she can get burnt out, resentful, feeling unfulfilled and underappreciated. Plus she can get abused herself by intervening with the problems of the world. 

I have had my share of working with people who end up having major mental health issues and addictions. My heart would go to them, I’d form strong bonds, only to have to detach and let go and allow them their journey into self-harm. My heart would break and then it would feel invalidated and drained. What I didn’t do was discern if the people I was connecting with were capable of a mutual relationship.  This is not out of judgment. This is out of seeing clearly whether what I was expecting of someone was more than they could deliver.  It is unfair to ask someone to be something they aren’t or can’t be. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love, acceptance or even friendship. But they have their path to learn how to care for themselves and be a friend first and foremost to themselves. 

I’ve had to set some strong boundaries with people close to me who chose not to get the help that would allow them to live in a more caring, balanced and well way.  I now refuse to get hurt by others’ mental health issues or unkind and unsafe ways.  Yes, initially I would feel guilty, like I was abandoning them.  This, of course, is what my inner child wanted to tell me because I was setup to be the rescuer of others. But I’m firing myself from that job.

Instead, my main lesson as the rescuer is to rescue myself first and foremost. Focus on my needs, in relationships, life, work and community.  Get the healing I need for having had to be exposed to serious dysfunction. Where can I get nourishment? Where and what do I need to walk away from because it feels un-nurturing?

All of this awareness has shown up in the work I’ve done with therapy but the rescuer role was mostly revealed in the “Your Family, Your Life” Package. This work looks at the undercurrents of our consciousness and family dynamics.

It doesn’t mean I blame my family of origin.  I can see that my family taught me how to be a good girl, trying to balance and find compassion for the crises of abused women, racism, sexual abuse, serious mental illness and the feelings of powerlessness to truly help ease the suffering. I am grateful for what they taught me and I’m also grateful to learn that it is not my place to fix, heal or make right their pain.  In fact, all I can do is acknowledge that it existed, hold a space of remembrance so they are validated, and guide them, if they so choose, to what may help from other sources.  As I transform this role, it ripples into all areas of my life – my path as a healer, of being of service, of caring for others. It is more detached in a loving and accepting way. My heart doesn’t get as hooked, and I can actually allow the person or others to truly be seen, understood and released from the pain that has been long-standing – pain that I have had no responsibility for. I can set clear boundaries without guilt, find what nurtures me and keeps me in a state of balance, and call in the friends who are truly nourishing and of mutual benefit.

I love the power of self-awareness.  It truly can set us free and rise above the unconscious ways we keep re-creating our own suffering.

What role are you playing in your family? What would life be like if you weren’t in that position? How would you live life differently?

What are ways you can rescue and nurture yourself?

Much of the spiritual journey is about finding your true self. It’s the part of us that always existed, without the social programming and or beliefs that have come from trauma. I learned a lot about this through starting an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACoA) Support Group, and also through my previous relationship with someone who focused on this type of work through spiritual awakening. 

The quest for the true self is timeless and one that incorporates many facets.  It can be seen through the gateways of your preferences, what inspires you and what moves you at the core.  It can also be shaped by some of your experiences that have hurt your heart, but also what has informed what you care about.  Personal expression and being around others of like-heart is so important in order to keep nurturing this part of you. In the ACoA program, that would say your true self is your inner child.

I’ve done a ton of personal growth and healing work, and it has all been beneficial of uncovering layers and layers of masks, old beliefs and what motivates me.  I thought I had it all covered, until the other day.  That was the day when I reached into my fiance’s junk box and found a button in a little plastic box. When I looked at it, I nearly cried.  It was me. All me. A simple little button. But this button reflected that little girl in me that was always there. It is a cute, funky, weird and not-perfectly-designed button.  Check it out below. 

You see, I remembered a part of me I had forgotten.  This child self who was the funky, live it big, love it big, non-gendered, smart girl.  My sister and my mother, bless them, were the princess types. They loved baking and crafting and decorating and doing their hair, and all that stuff.  Which is fine. That’s them. But because they were bigger than me, they had a bigger influence over me. I was the outcast in the family. The misfit.  The one that just wore her heart on her sleeve and loved people, without needing to be something I wasn’t. I didn’t want pretty, or fancy, or perfect. I just wanted to be ME. 

All this came flooding back to me in this button. My inner child really is my true self.  She has been with me the whole time. In was in my love of funk music. Big rainbow lollipops. Living in Kensington Market in Toronto. Do-it-yourself zines.  The children’s book I wrote. She’s been with me the whole time. Why didn’t I really get it before? Because I took her for granted.

So now, the work is integrating her in my life. In my home. The work I do.  The things I love. Pure, funky, wild, smart and just full of heart. That’s me. 

So, who are you?

Are you following your heart?

There was a time when I wasn’t living according to my heart. I was living based on what I thought was good and right.  I was in my mind. It came from what I was taught in school or the values of my peers. I was doing “all the right things” that would make me be a “good” person.

I took on causes for social justice, I knew how to socialize well at parties, I tried to check my consciousness and outlook for I was being a considerate person, and I even went to live in a developing country so I could understand the issues of oppression more intimately.

I would say that yes, these things were a part of who I was as a compassionate person, however there was a deeper mechanism that was going on. I was trying to be the perfectly compassionate and good person.  I didn’t want to be associated with “evil”.

What this all eventually did to me was burn me out. I over-extended myself and took on the burdens of others too much. I was trying to fix or change humanity and its plight so much that I was neglecting my own humanity and personal happiness and well-being. I was creating more of my own suffering while trying to alleviate others’ suffering.

I think most people don’t want to be considered a “bad” person and we strive to be a force for good. But all of us are human and all of us mess up.  In fact, where we mess up is probably closer to the truth of who we are and what our spirit wants for us, rather than conforming to how the world or others want us to be.

For example, at one point in my mid-20s I rebelled against the socially conscious path. I spent a year and half partying, exploring my sexuality, seeking out my liberated and artistic self. I want to push the boundaries of what a woman was supposed to be and do and behave and breakthrough my own illusions.  I lived a very self-centred life and it brought me more joy than being uberly-responsible.

Yes, some of it was self-destructive. Yes, I ended up having to do a lot of detoxing. Yes, I got hurt, I hurt others and I had regrets. But the truth is that in that time period there was that part of me that didn’t want to be contained in the box of social norms.

You see, I grew up too fast and too soon as a kid and I needed my time to not care or be all “adult-like”.  I’m glad I did it. It satisfied that part of me that would have always wondered “what if?” I can be in my 40s now, knowing my sexual and relationship preferences. I can feel comfortable in my path of who I am and what I don’t want, and be confident to make mistakes, speak my mind and not care so much what others think. It has helped me be more spiritually aligned.

It has also helped me support others better from a place of unconditional love. I can see better the areas that others hide themselves under obligations or trying to fit in. I can give my clients permission to do something enjoyable, pleasurable, a bit naughty and expansive so they can find themselves. I don't let them linger too long in shame and guilt -- instead I inquire into "what is really going on behind that behaviour? What does your soul long for?"

Now my actions come from love for myself and others – not because of the inner critical voice of perfection and what others expect of me.  It puts my heart first and helps me follow through from there. I don’t have to get drained by trying to fix or change the world, yet my heart of empathy and compassion is there for the suffering out there, including for myself, that takes us away from our inner peace, joy and freedom. 

Living from the heart does not mean living selflishly, though it can feel that way at first. It means living with more love for oneself which can extend to truly being able to love, hear and see others.