Rescuing Oneself

My role in my family was the rescuer.  It is a position that comes from growing up in a state of crisis and seeing people I loved getting hurt.  Some could say I karmically chose my family in order to be this type of person in the world – without it, I wouldn’t have done the volunteering I’ve done. I wouldn’t have gone on the path of holistic healing and service. I wouldn’t have spent time listening to others, and wanting to help.  The main problem though, with being the rescuer, is that there will always need to be a crisis, drama triangle or difficult dynamic in order to validate the rescuer’s existence. 

What the heck would happen to me if there was world peace? No cause to take on? No one to be there for? Who am I without that role?  The shadow side of the rescuer is that she can get burnt out, resentful, feeling unfulfilled and underappreciated. Plus she can get abused herself by intervening with the problems of the world. 

I have had my share of working with people who end up having major mental health issues and addictions. My heart would go to them, I’d form strong bonds, only to have to detach and let go and allow them their journey into self-harm. My heart would break and then it would feel invalidated and drained. What I didn’t do was discern if the people I was connecting with were capable of a mutual relationship.  This is not out of judgment. This is out of seeing clearly whether what I was expecting of someone was more than they could deliver.  It is unfair to ask someone to be something they aren’t or can’t be. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love, acceptance or even friendship. But they have their path to learn how to care for themselves and be a friend first and foremost to themselves. 

I’ve had to set some strong boundaries with people close to me who chose not to get the help that would allow them to live in a more caring, balanced and well way.  I now refuse to get hurt by others’ mental health issues or unkind and unsafe ways.  Yes, initially I would feel guilty, like I was abandoning them.  This, of course, is what my inner child wanted to tell me because I was setup to be the rescuer of others. But I’m firing myself from that job.

Instead, my main lesson as the rescuer is to rescue myself first and foremost. Focus on my needs, in relationships, life, work and community.  Get the healing I need for having had to be exposed to serious dysfunction. Where can I get nourishment? Where and what do I need to walk away from because it feels un-nurturing?

All of this awareness has shown up in the work I’ve done with therapy but the rescuer role was mostly revealed in the “Your Family, Your Life” Package. This work looks at the undercurrents of our consciousness and family dynamics.

It doesn’t mean I blame my family of origin.  I can see that my family taught me how to be a good girl, trying to balance and find compassion for the crises of abused women, racism, sexual abuse, serious mental illness and the feelings of powerlessness to truly help ease the suffering. I am grateful for what they taught me and I’m also grateful to learn that it is not my place to fix, heal or make right their pain.  In fact, all I can do is acknowledge that it existed, hold a space of remembrance so they are validated, and guide them, if they so choose, to what may help from other sources.  As I transform this role, it ripples into all areas of my life – my path as a healer, of being of service, of caring for others. It is more detached in a loving and accepting way. My heart doesn’t get as hooked, and I can actually allow the person or others to truly be seen, understood and released from the pain that has been long-standing – pain that I have had no responsibility for. I can set clear boundaries without guilt, find what nurtures me and keeps me in a state of balance, and call in the friends who are truly nourishing and of mutual benefit.

I love the power of self-awareness.  It truly can set us free and rise above the unconscious ways we keep re-creating our own suffering.

What role are you playing in your family? What would life be like if you weren’t in that position? How would you live life differently?

What are ways you can rescue and nurture yourself?