There was a time when I
wasn’t living according to my heart. I was living based on what I thought was
good and right. I was in my mind. It came from what I was taught in
school or the values of my peers. I was doing “all the right things” that would
make me be a “good” person.
I took on causes for social justice, I knew how to socialize well at parties, I
tried to check my consciousness and outlook for I was being a considerate
person, and I even went to live in a developing country so I could understand the
issues of oppression more intimately.
I would say that yes, these things were a part of who I was as a compassionate
person, however there was a deeper mechanism that was going on. I was trying to
be the perfectly compassionate and good person. I didn’t want to be
associated with “evil”.
What this all eventually did to me was burn me out. I over-extended myself and
took on the burdens of others too much. I was trying to fix or change humanity
and its plight so much that I was neglecting my own humanity and personal
happiness and well-being. I was creating more of my own suffering while trying
to alleviate others’ suffering.
I think most people don’t want to be considered a “bad” person and we strive to
be a force for good. But all of us are human and all of us mess up. In
fact, where we mess up is probably closer to the truth of who we are and what
our spirit wants for us, rather than conforming to how the world or others want
us to be.
For example, at one point in my mid-20s I rebelled against the socially
conscious path. I spent a year and half partying, exploring my sexuality,
seeking out my liberated and artistic self. I want to push the boundaries of
what a woman was supposed to be and do and behave and breakthrough my own
illusions. I lived a very self-centred life and it brought me more
joy than being uberly-responsible.
Yes, some of it was self-destructive. Yes, I ended up having to do a lot of
detoxing. Yes, I got hurt, I hurt others and I had regrets. But the truth is
that in that time period there was that part of me that didn’t want to be
contained in the box of social norms.
You see, I grew up too fast and too soon as a kid and I needed my time to not
care or be all “adult-like”. I’m glad I did it. It satisfied that part of
me that would have always wondered “what if?” I can be in my 40s now, knowing
my sexual and relationship preferences. I can feel comfortable in my path
of who I am and what I don’t want, and be confident to make mistakes, speak my
mind and not care so much what others think. It has helped me be more
spiritually aligned.
It has also helped me support others better from a place of unconditional love.
I can see better the areas that others hide themselves under obligations or
trying to fit in. I can give my clients permission to do something enjoyable,
pleasurable, a bit naughty and expansive so they can find themselves. I don't
let them linger too long in shame and guilt -- instead I inquire into "what is really going on
behind that behaviour? What does your soul long for?"
Now my actions come from love for myself and others – not because of the inner
critical voice of perfection and what others expect of me. It puts my
heart first and helps me follow through from there. I don’t have to get drained
by trying to fix or change the world, yet my heart of empathy and compassion is
there for the suffering out there, including for myself, that takes us
away from our inner peace, joy and freedom.
Living from the heart does not mean living selflishly, though it can feel that
way at first. It means living with more love for oneself which can extend to
truly being able to love, hear and see others.
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