There is no shame in shame

Oh Shame. A dear friend for so many of us. I’ve had to walk through this dreadful emotion a number of times, only to find out that most of it was futile.

Most emotionally abusive people use shame as a power tool. I grew up with this experience with a stepfather who would say over and over again: “you should be ashamed of yourself”. To this day, I have no idea what I was supposed to be ashamed of. It just seemed that being a kid, asking questions or not listening to adults who bored me was something to be ashamed of. 

I learned quickly that shame is really dependent on the social environment. What is shameful in one culture could be embraced in another. The same goes for families – in some families it is shameful if you make a lot of money, whereas other families it is shameful if you are poor. Or in some cultures, it is shameful if you get a divorce whereas others it’s as common as day and night.

We really only come to know shame by the people we surround ourselves with.  In a library we will be shamed for talking too loud. At a party, we will be shamed if we are too reserved and not engaging with everyone. You really can’t win.

I’ve learned that if I am being shamed for something, it means that I really don’t belong to that particular group. I need to go and find a different pond of people. 

For example, I knew that if I stepped out as a psychic/medium, that my family of logical professionals would have their opinions about that.  They would be quietly ashamed of me.  I had to tune them out – spiritually and emotionally – so I could listen to myself and open up to my gifts. Wouldn’t you know – there are whole groups of people who I found who “got it” and didn’t see me as weird, crazy or disgraceful. In fact, they saw these gifts as something to be proud of. Neat, eh?

Of course, there are actions and behaviours that people make that will elicit a “healthy shame” response – like if you intentionally hurt someone or you do something hateful. That is more of a soul shame rather than a social shame.  Depending on the danger or severity of the harm done, that person needs to spend some time in safe space for everyone, and eventually move into self-forgiveness, healing and acknowledgment to restore trust and well-being for everyone involved.  Restorative Justice offers a beautiful model for how to do this when there are criminal perpetrators or victims involved.

How is shame holding you back? Who is telling you that what happened is bad or wrong? What if you saw yourself as fine just the way you are and you are just around the wrong type of people for you? Who is this shameful experience trying to guide you towards?

If you need to process out past experiences that are holding you back, I would love to support you. I offer a neat package called “Drop the Baggage” which helps you work through the difficult emotions of shame, guilt, anger and hurt so you can re-gain your sense of self-confidence and move forward.

Just book a free “Unknot your Struggle” Breakthrough session here: https://blossomingheart.ca/book-an-appointment  so I can help you unpack your stuff….