When You Don't Know What You Want

When you are going through a time of change or something in your life has caused a lot of suffering, you can quickly fall into self-doubt and uncertainty. Confidence can wane and there can be a big “oh my gawd, I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m basing it all on.”

During these times, I would say it is uber-important to stop, be still and sit with yourself. You need to tune into your heart, instead of the mind, and ask yourself: “what does my heart want?” Let whatever arises in your awareness to just be there. You can even write it down and see what your heart wants to express. Even if it seems simple like “take a nap” or “cry” or “go to the gym”, you will be surprised at how much it energizes, fulfills and directs you in ways you may never have realized if you just followed your mind’s strategies.

You see, the mind is full of fears, ego hopes, planning and needs for approval. It has its place in your life, but after you are in tune with your heart’s needs.

A common spiritual teaching is to let the mind be the servant of the heart, rather than the other way around.  This is what will lead to the greatest peace, magic and sense of purpose in your life. Otherwise you risk ending up with empty goals that can constantly disappoint you and cause you frustration.

See if you can try this checking in with the heart practice every day. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.

If you are going through a bit of a rough patch right now and you want to get back on track, you can book a 30-minute Inner Guidance Reading with me where we will tune into what is for your highest and deepest good.  

Embrace Your Wild Self

In the last 2 weeks, I’ve been feeling the call of the Wild. As if my heart cannot deny it anymore. I’ve been reading news stories about endangered species and the decline of protection of our Conservation Areas with recent policies in the States and Ontario.  I’m aware of how my own hometown is becoming more urbanized by the influence of Toronto and Mississauga, taking away the charm that has made Guelph feel so healthy and hopeful and different than other communities in the province.  

I’m not exactly sure why it’s becoming so prevalent to me, other than Spirit’s mysterious workings in my mind and spirit, giving me an urgency to have to do something, anything, to help the voiceless creatures. So I'm open and waiting to see where my time and energy will be most productive and effective while enjoying nature's beautiful gifts.

Whenever these movements show up for me and rattle my cage, I also go deep within and wonder what message it has for my own soul or psyche.  What are these animals and the endangered crisis trying to tell us.

I’m reminded of the teachings of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run with the Wolves. Essentially she explains how we need to embrace our Inner Wild Woman (or Man) in the truest of senses, otherwise we go into self-destructive habits or fall into depression and a sense of death.   We as a people have become “over-civilized” and have lost our instincts and intuition.

I couldn’t agree more.

I am reminded by an expressive art exercise I did a couple of years ago when I was in a lot of heartache. It was all about capturing our Wild Self.  What revealed to me was so obviously simple. My inner wild self just wants to eat healthy food, go on nature walks and live simply, without the pressures of the modern world. It wasn’t what others would imagine of partying hard, jumping out of airplanes or travelling around the world.  It was more about going against the grain of the modern world and just experiencing the simplicity of the natural life. 

As nature is so wise and wonderful, it happens to be that I got the flu and bronchitis right at the time of this realization. Which meant I was forced to rest and not think about much. I’ve had to feel into my energetic limits, relax and just be or meditate. It was exactly what I needed in order to really align with who I am now and release some past emotional and spiritual baggage.  Sleeping in and resting is my wild self now – allowing me to be more present.

Wouldn’t you know, as I’m coming out of the cave of illness, that I’ve had a number of strangers say to me “wow, you look great” and “I feel so calm around you”, followed by a hug.

By restoring my spirit and letting go of thinking and doing so much, I’ve actually been able to make a difference for my inner peace and peace with others. So wild, eh?

So what part of you needs to detach from the modern world of doing and proving? What is your wild, natural self trying to tell you? How can you move more towards that in your life?

If you are ready to do some deep personal transformation work, book one of my “Feel Good Again” Packages.  You are meant to be centred, healthy and aligned with who you are, not what others want you to be.

Don't Take the Guilt Pill

I am someone who used to internalize the blame. It was ingrained in me from childhood where I was surrounded by adults who used guilt as a weapon. The little girl in me naturally wanted to make my parents happy and wanted to be a good kid. I had no idea that adults played manipulative games in order to power trip or control their kids. So I grew up with a sense of over-responsibility and a belief that if things went wrong it was clearly all my fault. If someone was angry with me or reprimanded me it meant that I had done something to deserve it.

What I’ve had to learn as I’ve healed and grown up was that this was anything but the truth.  I discovered that many adults like to blame, shame and guilt trip as a way to avoid personal responsibility for their failings. They’d rather spin it so they look good in the end or they feel at least righteous.

I’ve been facing this personality type lately through different faces – the landlord, my father, an ex. These people would give demanding orders to me, because some part of them would think it’s okay to speak to me this way. Being a polite, kind and diplomatic person, they see my traits as weak and incapable.  What would eventually be revealed is they were the ones who messed up, not me. 

In the past and in my younger self, I would take the blame, go into self-doubt and somehow believe that I was an inconsiderate person because they were having issues with me. I would swallow the guilt-pill whole instead of actually assessing the situation and really get that perhaps the other person is responsible for the circumstances and they are trying to find a scapegoat to blame.

But I refuse to take in the toxicity anymore. Through my healing and spiritual growth, I’ve come to know that I deserve to be treated with respect, fairness and decent communication.  I do not deserve emotional manipulation. Even if I did make a mistake, it still doesn’t warrant being dominated or blamed. A healthy and mature person would give the benefit of the doubt and ask me what happened and ask how it could be avoided in the future.

If someone is trying to guilt-trip you – that is they are trying to make you responsible for their problems, hoping that you will do something for them, such as giving them money -- don't take the bait.  They will make you feel bad about yourself and want you to feel indebted to them so they have power of you. 

There’s a difference between apologizing for something you’ve done wrong and suggesting a reasonable way to compensate, versus having someone lord it over you. 

A simple and beautiful response to someone who is trying to guilt trip you is: “I see you are upset about this and you feel I’m responsible for this. What do you want me to do about it?” 

If they come up with a reasonable solution that you can live with and that is fair given the circumstance, then great. If they whine and complain and still go on and on, then just turn to them and say that you can’t listen to this and when they are ready to give you a solution to contact you. Then walk away and steer clear until they are ready to have a mature conversation.  If they suggest something that is totally unfair that you can’t agree to, simply say that and wash your hands of the situation.  You are not here to emotionally caretake anyone. You are here to have mutually beneficial relationships with people who are meant to treat you with respect.

If you are struggling with setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life, and you feel flattened by other people’s emotional crazy, then book a free “Get to the Root of the Problem” Breakthrough session with me. I have a great package to share with you called “Feel Good Relationships” Package so you don’t have to suffer anymore in the drama.

What You Can Do When You Feel Out of Control

At a fundamental level, when you feel stressed it is because you feel out of control. There are so many circumstances in the outer world that can make you tense, anxious, depressed or even sick. Whether it be another person’s crisis, or political turmoil or traffic jams or environmental toxins – these are situations we can’t really control in the moment and can put us from a calm mood to an outright distressed state within minutes.

During these times, all you have control over is what you do with your body.  Your mind may go in a thousand directions, trying to find solutions or assess the circumstances. Your emotions might go through a roller coaster. Your spirit may want to jump out of you.

Your body is the one gateway to staying grounded and calm and centred and well in any circumstance. Throughout life this is the one thing you have control over – what you allow and around your body.

When you feel out of control, try connecting with your body in some way.  Here are a few examples:

1)      Take 5 deep breaths into and out of your belly

2)      Choose to sit and meditate

3)      Drink a glass of water

4)      Eat something healthy

5)      Exercise

6)      Leave your environment

7)      Go to an environment that you love

8)      Do some stretches

9)      Take a nap

10)   Have a shower (cold if you want to be invigorated; hot if you want to relax)

11)   Get some body work done such as a massage, reflexology or energy healing are good options

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For long-term wellness and calmness, it is best to take care of your body on a daily basis. Your needs are different than another person's wellness needs and lifestyle. It is important to know what your specific needs are to maintain a balanced body so you can handle whatever stressors come your way. 

If you want to make 2019 one of less stress, more ease and accomplishing goals that are truly good for you and your wellness, then book a free 30-minute “Get to the Root of the Problem” Breakthrough Session with me. I have a proven process that help you understand what you truly need to move through your barriers to happiness, inner balance and success.

You are the Gift

Our focus on buying material presents can overtake us at this time of year. We can get scattered and tired out because of the pressures to get it all in and make sure we don’t forget anyone.  The one person we often forget is ourselves.  The truth is the greatest gift you can give someone is you. Your presence of love, compassion, support, service, listening, calmness, laughter, and time.

Even if it’s just a thank you to the cashier in the checkout line, or a happy face on the napkin for the server, or spending time with a friend who doesn’t have family, you are offering the true spiritual gifts of the holidays that spreads true joy and love, bringing more joy and love back to you. That’s how karma and dharma truly work.

Though material objects and gifts can also be infused with a lot of love, meaning and connection, please don’t forget about your state of being and mind this season. Your presence is truly the best present.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself for this season:

1)      What spiritual trait do I want to embody this season? (e.g. generosity, love, peace, care, thoughtfulness, etc.)

2)      Spend 10 minutes in the morning meditating on that trait

3)      Consciously act out that trait with 3 people you meet in the day

4)      Reflect for 10 minutes in a journal of what happened that day as you showed up with that presence

See if you can take this exercise right up until New Year’s Day and see how it affects those around you.

It is possible to change the world, one intention at a time.

With blessings,

Heather

Give Cuz You Wanna

Each of us comes from different backgrounds and traditions around gift-giving.

Some people’s families do joke gifts, others do fancy dinners, others have a certain dollar value that’s expected, and others do nothing at all.  During this time, if you are different than your family’s values, it can bring up a whole host of self-worth issues as you end up feeling like you “fail” in the eyes of your family’s standards. And then it creates a sense of being excluded from the family.

I will give you an example of my own dynamic with our family’s tradition of Christmas.

Growing up, I was into recycling, second-hand things, meaningful gifts and handmade presents.  I just naturally knew the wastefulness of Christmas presents. I would use newspaper to wrap gifts, I would write stories and give them to family members, or I would make bath salts and put them into mason jars. Cute, right? Well, I was teased for it. They thought I was doing it because I didn’t have money. Which I didn’t have a lot of money but that wasn’t the reason. I was doing it because I put special thought into something they would like and I cared about the Earth and its creatures -- which seemed to be what the Spirit of Christmas was meant to be.

Over time, I began to dread Christmas because it made me feel like no matter what I did or gave, it was seen as “not good enough”, that I was somehow “too poor” to participate in Christmas exchanges. So I retracted from holiday invites and also from family functions because I didn’t make a certain amount of money.

Nowadays they would call what I did “upcycling” or “eco-gifting” or “crafting”. It is now an urban hipster thing to make your own bath bombs, or to personalize gifts with a handwritten note, and to wrap everything in hemp cloth or newspapers.  I’d like to say that the world is catching up to my trendsetting ways (wink!).

Throughout my work, I’ve learned about the powerful force of belonging. Therapists, abuse counsellors and addictions counsellors have understood this concept deeply. The need to belong is a fundamental desire and need – so much so that people will sacrifice their own safety, happiness and well-being in order to fit in. 

So many of us do this (myself included) during this holiday time – putting ourselves into debt just to participate in the greater collective pressure to give despite our limits.

So what is the solution?

In order to stay balanced, a key part is staying in our own integrity and value system. Otherwise stress kicks in.

Here’s a simple exercise to help you be true to yourself during this time of gift-giving:

1)      Write down three things your family expects of you with gift-giving – just so you are aware of their expectations and pressure.

2)      Write down three values you have with giving. Such as: eco-friendly, elegant, meaningful, delicious, funny, spiritual, etc.

3)       Then write down a list of the people you WANT to give to, and another list of people you NEED to give to – just so you can really identify how much heart energy you should put into each person. 

4)      You want to put more of your energy, time, money and focus for the list of people you want to give to. These are the people you love. Beside their names, write one word of how you would describe them, then write three things you think they are interested in or a shared memory.  Then using your 3 values you wrote above, brainstorm 4 or 5 ideas of what to get them within your budget.

5)      For the people you NEED to give to, buy or make items on a mass scale that fits into 2 out of 3 of your value system. For example, if your values for gift-giving are funny, eco-friendly and heart-felt, then you might want to get or make in bulk something like snowmen dryerballs or heart-shaped bath bombs.  This saves you time because it’s bulk, it’s in your value system, it’s unique to you and people will get a gift within your means.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you and what ideas you come up with!  Happy gift-giving from your heart!

ox,

Heather

www.BlossomingHeart.ca

Grow Into Who You Are Meant to Be

Honesty Can Heal & Transform

As I was in Saskatchewan last week, I learned a lot about the need for Truth and Reconciliation between Indigenous Peoples and Settlers. It is required to restore integrity in our nation, to have peaceful relations and to integrate the cultures in a way that respects and honours each other. The truth is that Settlers betrayed our agreement with Indigenous Communities even though we signed various Treaties. It was trickery and an absolute betrayal.  Many Settler communities have no idea how to right these wrongs. We are at a loss for what can help versus what will add to the problems.

I believe the first step is to just get honest. Our ancestors betrayed Indigenous Peoples and those of us who are living in a modern and urban world are benefitting from that through our lifestyle and privileges, while many First Nations Reservations are living in abject conditions. Guilt and Shame are not helpful. 

When you think about times when you know that someone hasn't owned their hurt or betrayal of you, doesn't it feel great when they finally acknowledge it? 

Now, I'm not talking about radical honesty. Honesty is meant to be shared with wisdom and right timing. Honesty can sometimes make it worse for everyone and everything if done without sensitivity or higher awareness of whether it's safe to do so.  If you feel there is going to be harm to yourself or others because of your honesty, then it is best to stay quiet and only confide in those you know would be safe, compassionate and understanding. 
Honesty requires us to know ourselves intimately. We need to ask ourselves deeper questions about what we like and don't like, who we really are, and what we truly care about. When we are honest with ourselves, then we can honest with others and have real relationships. 

 If we try to be something we are not, or to degrade ourselves, it is considered to be a sacred betrayal. 

We are here to accept who we are and to share that with others. Then doors of friendship can open. When we compare ourselves to others, we hurt our hearts. When we stay in false relationships, our soul dies. When we live a pretend life, we cause destruction through our addictions or bad habits. 

What do you have to get honest about in yourself and your life? 

Honesty is what allows for the dialogue to open up. Owning our ancestors' part so we can take responsibility and move forward with a sense of humility and maturity adds so much to creating bridges, possibilities, fairness and a peaceful society.  Without it, the tensions increase and the guilt and denial becomes too much to bear.