Many people loosely throw around the concept of the 'ego' saying, "oh she's so egotistical", or roll their eyes and say "here it comes again -- the male ego" or "oh it's just an ego battle".
Often times I find that people will blame the ego because they can't really take the time to understand where the other person is coming from or to avoid conflict, or because they actually don't want to admit that they feel uncomfortably inferior around another person and choose to criticize the other person instead of looking within at one's own insecurities.
I've seen this habit amongst women. There are secret conversations of blindly believing that men have more ego than women, making comments on his demeanor and way of interacting in the world without realizing that the very act of belittling or criticizing him is an egotistical thing to do. And many women would rather look at the man's shortcomings than own their feelings of inferiority or reactionary fear and projections that have built up over the generations of inter-gender relating. We women can fail to look at how we quietly power trip over men as a way to get even with the injustices of our history. This ends up creating strange feelings of revenge and emotional manipulation that are considered to be socially normal and justified, instead of seeing how it robs the soul of one's power to be loving and kind.
So what is it that we really mean by the ego? Is it the sense of "I" as being separate from another? Is it that feeling that a person thinks they are better than everyone else, disregarding one's human frailties? Is it just someone who is full of themselves and has no regard for the impact they have on others?
The ego is often described in ways that make it seem repulsive or abhorrent, something demonic or dreadful. Yet when we get a closer look we will see that the richness of the human experience lives there. Much of the healing work that needs to be done comes from the part of the person who feels lost, hurt, abandoned, rejected, unworthy, victimized, or excluded. In all of those experiences, the ego develops as a way to self-protect from these worldly pains of not feeling good enough, loveable, worthwhile, held or understood.
Here's an example of how an ego can develop and what could very well be happening underneath the surface: if a person has been hurt when growing up by being demeaned for coming from poverty or they had parents who constantly fought about money, then the child can consciously or subconsciously believe that their only worthiness in life is directly connected to money. Then that child grows up and decides to put their whole focus on seeking out money riches, yet have no intimacy or closeness with others in their life. His whole identity and sense of security is connected to how much money he makes. This is what makes him loveable, in his mind. As an adult, people will demean him and say that he's a scrooge or he's stingy or he's egotistical, further adding to his wound of being excluded from the world, and so he holds even tighter to the money that he so closely identifies with. He develops fears and mistrust of it being taken away from him. Yet what his ego needs is to be understood. To know that he matters, no matter how much or how little money he makes. That he is worthy simply because he is alive and breathing.
This is what we call true compassion -- to have the ability to reach out and truly understand what is going on underneath the surface of a person's behaviour, knowing that most of the time it is rooted in fears and feelings of being unloved. When we can all see ourselves in the "scrooge" or the one's we deem as evil, and know the undercurrents of their humanity, then we also release ourselves from self-judgment and self-condemnation. Because we all are guilty of not being loving and kind in some way. To judge that person is to also judge ourselves, perpetuating this division and keep us separate from creating a world of seeing each other through loving and sharing eyes.
The ego can show up in our experiences of feeling like a victim, a hero, the one who has under-achieved, the peacekeeper, the saint, the healer, the enlightened one -- they are all aspects of the human mind that have developed from a reaction to the world around oneself. Each one of us has more than one ego-state and much of the soul journey is to dismantle these attitudes, beliefs and our opinions that block us from true intimacy with ourselves and others.
The great benefit of the ego is that it can help a person develop a sense of self, opens up to feeling important, loved and confident, to know that one really does matter. Without the sense of self, it is difficult to manifest or create anything in life or make a positive contribution. As well, even the other ego states such as the victim or the addict or the rebel have many wise teachings, offering the ability to have compassion towards others in their suffering.
The two best methods I've found so far for really explore one's ego-mind has been through Clearing sessions and Soul Constellations. Soul Constellations helps one to see the inter-reactions between family members and greater collective systems and how one excludes oneself or others in order to really get a deeper understanding of the hurts. Clearing is a wonderful modality for accessing your own ego-mind in a safe environment, where you get to discover the answers within yourself of how your consciousness is relating to the world around you. Both modalities are quite profound and humbling, allowing for an opening of the light of truth to come through. I offer both options through my practice or I also highly recommend working with Russell Scott of True Source Seminars to do Clearing sessions. He's been doing this for over 25 years and he's a true master of the mind.
If you are ready to go through the journey to find out all the ways your ego mind has formed in your being, you can find more information at: www.blossomingheart.ca
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