Why Hugs Matter

As a child, I was touch deprived. When I was born, my dad didn’t visit me at the hospital for various reasons but mostly due to marital challenges and his own issues.  I spent my first week under hospital care because I wouldn’t eat…which would mean I wasn’t bonding with my mother.  For my first 5 years, I was in and out of the hospital, with a stark memory of being in an oxygen tent feeling cold and alone, not able to have my sister’s or my mom’s warm hands and bodies to hug me.  

My mother wasn’t an affectionate hugger. She would say she loved me, but physically she was at a distance most of the time. She clearly had her own issues with touch deprivation herself, which was common for many North American people born in her generation.  Life was clinical and all about image at that time. 

I have lived in 2 warm climates – Mexico and Jamaica. In both places, people will greet with hugs, kisses and a general feeling of affection. It automatically creates a sense of connection.  Often they see “white people” or North Americans as cold and distant. Mostly, I would say, it was because we have been conditioned not to hug or touch – and it creates a weird disconnect with our humanity.   

Recently, I had a beautiful experience with my partner who is an affectionate person where I became all emotional because I hit a layer within my psyche that felt “untouchable” with a flood of these memories from my childhood coming back to me.  It was so deep and hidden within me that I didn’t even realize how much sadness I had about this. 

I did some research about loving touch and touch deprivation and there are many articles that show how important this is for our well-being, brain development and sense of self. Without it, babies have been known to die and shrivel away. It’s really awful.  

One of the inspirational people in my life was a man named John who lived in Kensington Market in Toronto. He had a mission of expanding love in the community by selling homemade butter tarts and giving hugs for free with each sale. He sold out all the time, often with people not eating the butter tarts at all. In a modern world, he knew that love and affection are in dire need and he filled a hole within the suffering of our individualized culture.

So more than ever, I believe in the power of loving, safe, consensual hugs. Yes, it’s important to ask permission because people have had various experiences with touch from strangers, but even the act of asking opens the door to the potential of getting closer to someone and feeling our common need for love, care and touch. 

Who can you hug today? Who do you need a hug from? Reach out and ask and see how it changes your world….