You. Are. Lovable.

The other night, I sat in prayer and asked for “God/Love/Divine Presence” to come to me and guide me. I was feeling lost and anxious.  I wanted to know that there was someone or something listening. I’ve had divine interventions and experiences that show me there is a loving and benevolent presence in the world.  I’ve also experienced that place of total annihilation and darkness, feeling like that presence was ripped away from me.  Usually those were times of deep despair, abandonment, betrayal or rejection by others and the world.  This night, though, it was more about making sure I had that connection, and also because I have residue from past emotional hurts still sticking inside of me.

In the past 2 years, I have had to heal my heart from a difficult ending with someone who I thought and felt was my best friend. I have had to take time to realign myself with who I am, my values, and notice the areas where I was in self-judgment and self-shame.  I have had a running program within me that I wasn’t rich enough, skinny enough, beautiful enough, moral enough, perfect enough, loving enough or from a “stable enough family” to be worthy of commitment, a loving relationship and a home. These were all messages I’ve been telling myself because they were echoes from the past. They were core rejections I felt from my family of origin and from past partners. Whenever they show up in my life, I get crushed at the core.

So when I was in prayer, just pleading and asking from some kind of answer, I got the message back “you are loveable”.  That was it (which is usually how the Divine speaks to me…in short, profound, simple responses).  I am lovable. I am lovable. I had to let this sink into my being. I. Am. Lovable.

So it made me question, where and when along the way did I feel not lovable.  So I reflected and did a self-inquiry exercise with my honey to see the difference between feeling lovable and unlovable.  It was fascinating what showed up for me.

Growing up, I was unloved by my father, grandmother and great grandmother. Or I should say I was neglected.  They couldn’t see me. See how adorable I was. See me for my awkwardness. See me for what I had to offer. There were always conditions with their love. They wanted me to look a certain way, or I had to play checkers perfectly, or I had to want to make millions of dollars in order to be considered lovable in their eyes. They couldn’t really see me or see my heart.   I learned from a young age that I had to dress up and look like a model.  I got love from my grandmother the first time she took me out for an alcoholic drink at the age of 13. She wanted to see if we could trick the waiter into believing I was older than I was. And it worked. So I learned I could get away with that and this was something my grandmother rewarded me for. 


So you know what I did as a teenager? I dressed up to look older than I was and I bought booze from the liquor store for my friends when I was 15 and 16 years old. For real!  Because this made me loveable in their eyes and my grandmother’s eyes. I was special and important and I had something to offer her – whether it be pure entertainment or to be part of the family of tricksters. Thank God I didn’t grow up with her or have too much of her influence. I would have turned out like my father and deeply entrenched in deception and trickery.

But it was clear that the need to be loved runs deep.

What I also discovered is that the times I was deemed unlovable, it had more to do with the other person’s power and control issues than it had to do with me.  I also saw that the conflict had more to do with a clash in our value system – and one of the things I value the most is equal, reasonable and fair communication.  This is my key to love. If that isn’t there and the interaction goes south, then I feel unlovable.   How dependent my sense of being loved was on others, eh!? Even if it was not the kind of love I wanted or needed.

For example, as a child, I lived in Jamaica and went to a private Catholic School with white nuns and all.  Yes, seriously.  I was one of 5 white kids in the school (I say that because it matters in the story and highlights the unique challenges of being a privileged racial minority).  We had to wear uniforms to school – on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we had to wear a khaki uniform with a red tie; on Tuesdays and Thursdays we had to wear a white uniform.  Well, on Sunday I was at the beach with my family and I got the wickedest sunburn on my shoulders. It hurt so badly. The next day, being Monday, I had to wear a khaki uniform but the problem was that the sleeves were longer and the uniform was heavy, causing more pain.  So at the guidance and permission of my mother, I wore the white uniform, which had no sleeves and was lighter in fabric.   I went to school on Monday in a sea of other students who were wearing khaki uniforms.  Needless to say, my white body with the white uniform and bright red shoulders and face glaringly stuck out.  The head nun was not happy because I was breaking the rules.  I already had certain privileges from being white, that heaven forbid I cross this taboo of wearing a different uniform. She immediately called me up to the front and humiliated me in front of the crowd. She was waving her ruler as a threat that I would be hit. She asked me why I was wearing a different uniform and I quietly said that it was because I had a sunburn.  Well, very little compassion was thrown my way. Most of the kids going to the school there never had the challenge of getting their skin burned like this and, quite honestly, didn’t have much compassion for the white kid’s suffering and may have even been relieved that I was finally getting some kind of punishment (I didn’t get strapped or punished like these kids who had darker skin than me did and I had special privileges).  

I can understand the politics now, but in that moment, my little kid’s heart felt completely humiliated, ashamed and unlovable, and it gave me a clear message to not pay attention to the pain in my body – that it didn’t matter and I had to follow the rules at all costs. Good ol’ conformity.

So in the realm of feeling unlovable, it had more to do with others’ power and control issues than the truth that I was a cute kid in pain needing to find a solution that was mutually beneficial to my mother, school and myself.  And that was still not enough. And I’m the one who ends up being punished in the end without a voice of reason or understanding.

There is more examining I can do, but I’m realizing how deep this lack of self-love goes within my psyche, even though I’ve done a ton of work already to claim it. I wonder, if I really allowed myself to know that I am loveable, how would my life look? Who would I hang out with more? Less? What would I do differently?

Now what’s interesting, is that I met someone who does a lot of work with prisoners.  He is a spiritual man who understands that God is Love. His perspective about the prisoners’ experience is that their fundamental teaching is that “Yes, God loves everyone, but it is our work on the earth plane to become lovable.”  Interesting, eh? So as much as we are lovable at the core, we are also here to learn how to behave in a way that is loving…that is, be respectful of others and ourselves. It doesn’t mean people pleasing like I did with my grandmother, but to at least be a loving presence and not a presence of threat, hate and destruction in the world. So the love of the divine is always there, but it’s our choice if we want to align or connect with it, even in difficult times.

I would encourage you to examine within yourself to see how lovable you feel. Is there anything in your life that is making you feel unlovable in others’ eyes? Are there any actions or thoughts that you are engaging in that are not very loving towards yourself and others? Are there parts of your past that you are not able to make sense of or that has changed your personality in a way that has caused harm just so you can be loved? 

I would love to support you in your process of unfoldment towards a love that is more true to you and connected to a higher love.  I offer Soul Readings and the “Your Soul’s Footprint” Package to help you through any areas that are stuck from you moving forward in this way. Please visit: www.blossomingheart.ca