Love is in the "No"

Quite a few years ago, there was a spiritual movement out there that encouraged you to say “yes” to all opportunities, invitations and synchronicities, believing it will open you up to a world of adventures, synchronicities and form a different understanding of how the Universe works.  Though it can be a good technique to get you out of your comfort zones, I believe it isn’t the way to go. There is actually a lot of spirituality in the word “No”.

I tried this “yes” movement out for a bit myself, and quite honestly, it became exhausting, scattering and I followed roads that led to nowhere in the way of personal satisfaction. Not to mention, it really isn’t safe to say yes to everyone or everything.

As a caring person and peacemaker type, someone who over-gives, trusts too quickly and overcommits, I have had to actually learn how to say “no”, without apologizing or feeling guilty. It isn’t easy to do, but it’s so important to do in order to have a satisfying and balanced life.

I get that it can be hard to decide when to say “no” when your inclination is to always say “yes”, without becoming rigid and self-centred (what every caring person dreads to be). 

Here’s the flip side: “have you ever thought that saying no because it doesn’t feel right or it will lead to your suffering invites the opportunity for that person to find someone else who they need to connect to? Or they will find a creative solution that opens doors for them in a different direction?”  Now I’m not saying you should say “no” to someone in immediate need – that’s just being heartless. I’m saying that you need to find that “no” within you out of a place of self-care and self-preservation, where you know your limits.  When you know your limits then you can open up to grounded possibilities. 

You see, you are not here to rescue or save everyone. You are here to give and receive and love and grow and find a centre of peace and compassion within yourself. You are here to enjoy your life, too.

I find there are a whole lot of my clients who look at me when I suggest they say “no” to someone or a circumstance, as if to say “well, if I say no, doesn’t that make me a bad friend or person?”

“Absolutely not!” I reply. True friends understand and respect your yes and your no. They want to see you happy and they would want you to be honest with them rather than doing something out of obligation. True friends understand the importance of give and take, and healthy self-care. They accept us for our limits, our anxieties and our own desires. 

But what about saying no to opportunities – isn’t that something you just shouldn’t do? Like looking into the gaze of success and saying “Na, I’d rather sleep in, thanks.”  Well, of course, it depends on the opportunity. If it’s the gig you have been waiting your whole life for, then go for it, no matter if it seems like the dishes won’t get done. But if you have a whole lot on your plate and an opportunity comes your way, it’s quite possible it’s not the opportunity for you. Adding something else to your plate will cause you more suffering, and it may actually distract you from completing what you have already set out to do. If the opportunity comes at poor timing, then chances are, it’s not meant to be. Something else will come along that will be better for you.

You see, it’s all about following what energizes you rather than depletes you. Saying no can actually give you more energy, while saying yes could actually drain you.  As a simple example, saying “no” to sugar is actually a good thing.

When you find yourself having to make a decision, tune into your body and your emotions and ask yourself – does this idea feel energizing or heavy?  Do I feel tired just at the thought of it? Or does it open me up? 

It is quite possible that your “no” can be the most self-honouring and empowered thing you can do.  And it could actually bless another to get the help and support they really need. Truly, I believe, “No” can be a loving word.

You have all the answers within you. You just need to learn to listen. If you want to grow in more self-care and re-vitalize your life, then please book a FREE Initial Heart-to-Heart Session so we can explore your needs and if I can support you.

Move from Should-ing to Self-Acceptance

Lately in my sessions and personal life, I’ve been noticing the same message coming through – totally and utterly accept yourself.  It sounds so easy but it’s really hard to do.

Accepting yourself doesn’t mean making excuses and just being lazy about your life. Instead, accepting yourself means taking the pressure off the gas pedal and easing up the critical voice that tells you that you need to do more and be more or be different.  It usually comes from the dreaded gremlin of comparing oneself with others, saying you should do this or be that, otherwise you will be left behind.

There is magic that happens when I share with clients the powerful phrase: “let’s give permission for you to totally accept this part of you and let’s find out the beauty of who you are in it.”  

When I say this, clients’ shoulders drop and they take a deep breath in and out, realizing how much they were trying to be something they are not. 

We journey into discovering so much about themselves: “bad” habits and all – and find out what is really going on beneath the surface of resistance and procrastination and unfulfilling ways of living.  We end up discovering that the person doesn’t do the dishes every day because they actually feel unhappy in their home and relationship and instead would prefer to go out to the mall to shop instead of doing the dishes. We then unpack what’s happening in that relationship and we discover that perhaps it’s not a bad relationship after all but rather they don’t do enough fun things out of the house together.  The balance of doing housework would come in, if they had time to do fun stuff out of the house.

Neat, eh? No shame. No judgment. No pushing. Just acceptance.

I believe that most of our habits and avoidances come from trying to fit into boxes we aren’t meant to be in or learned beliefs about ourselves that we developed in our childhood, and this is what creates our suffering. It makes us do things, say things or live a certain way that causes us tension and stress.  We do it from the “should and shouldn’t” mindset.  I should want a car. I should get more done in the day. I should get married. I should workout at the gym three times a week.  I shouldn’t swear. I shouldn’t have conflict because I’m spiritual. I shouldn’t say no to my mother.

Whenever we should or shouldn’t ourselves, we build a tyrant in our mind and become subconsciously  self-punishing.

“But how will I ever improve my life or get anything done, Heather?! I can’t just accept myself, warts and all. I’ll just be a blob on the couch if I do,” I’ve heard people say to me.

I beg to differ. I reply with: “Why not ask yourself:  What am I not accepting about myself (my body, my nature, my perspective, my preferences, my interests)? What would I prefer? What works better for me?” When you start asking yourself what you want, your whole being will start singing with joy. It will breathe saying “ah…you’re finally listening to me!” By not pushing or pressuring yourself, you will find creative solutions to your problems, you will re-gain balance in your life and learn how to assert yourself to others with the simple phrase: “that just doesn’t work for me.”

It is remarkable what happens when we embrace all of who we are, without shame, hiding or explaining ourselves. 

When I did this in my life, it helped me open new doors to experiences and discoveries.  I learned how to bellydance because I was curious and ended up at a pretty neat recital. Then I stopped because I realized it wasn’t totally for me – I needed more spontaneity in my dancing. I took Spanish courses and travelled through Mexico even though everyone thought I was crazy.  I embraced the side of me that is a minimalist despite coming from a family of shoppers and people who like to buy stuff.  I value being eco-consciousness and contributing to social change so I buy most of my clothes from second-hand stores. And I do it with joy, not from a mindset that I’m poor. It becomes a type of adventure for me.  I used to be a party girl in my 20s and realized I was only doing it because everyone else was and my family trained me to be this way.  My truth is that I like more quiet and calm, and introspective activities like reading and writing. And the list goes on.

When I didn’t listen to myself and accept myself, it led me down the path of wasted time and money.  I tried to fit myself into the image of what someone else wanted me to be.  I became a hair and bridal model in my teens (for real!) because I idolized someone in Elle magazine, and wanted to be like her. I took a year-long course that made my whole body feel stressed out because someone told me it would be a good thing to get for my professional reputation.  I took a four-year marketing degree because my boyfriend at the time thought it would be a good idea, even though all I wanted to do was learn how to write. I ended up with a massive student loan and a degree that gave me work I hated.

We do this all the time to ourselves – shoulding ourselves into who we are supposed to be rather than who we are in our bodies, hearts, minds and spirits.  If we could just relax into who we are naturally, follow our interests, listen to our own rhythm, tune into that part of us that desires something different or more, then life can flow so much better again.

What is one area of your life that you are “shoulding” yourself? If you totally accepted yourself with this, what new possibilities could open up for you?

Please post below your comments...

If you would like to do further work together, book a FREE "Tune Into Your Heart" Session so we can unpack all your shoulds and so you can create a more balanced and self-accepting life.

When You're Banging Your Head Against the Wall

We've all been there.

"Why won't they get it? Don't they understand? Don't they care? Why can't they hear me?"

Oh that beloved feeling of frustration and anger when we just seem to not be understood. It can make us feel alone, unsafe and without any support.

I know this feeling well -- I still have a hard time with certain relationships or people in my family and community that makes me want to pull my hair out at times. I have tools, I have done tons of therapy and counselling and I strive to be a self-aware and conscious person. But emotions are emotions. They creep up and can throw us entirely off balance.

So what can be done in those circumstances, where your steam is coming out of your ears or you are in despair?

First, know that this is your point of growth. It's your opportunity to either withdraw, rage, become passive aggressive, attack or dominate, or it's your opportunity to become emotionally aware and mature in your communication.  Our culture has not given us any road maps on how to deal with anger, yet when embraced it's our greatest chance for inner strength, self-protection and the release of deeper pain.

If you want to grow in maturity, then here are some ways to parse this out.
1) Write down what it is exactly that you are angry about. Not a full letter. Just a one-line of the issue exactly. 

e.g. I'm angry that my sister won't take my advice.

2) Then write down your pain, speak it out in the mirror or share it with a friend or coach/therapist. This is where you want to explore all the emotions and circumstances that have been painful for you.  You can write pages and pages, or rant in the mirror or let it out in the healing space. Keep the focal point on what your angry issue is and try not to steer away from it. This way you will get the full release and you will be able to really get the clarity and peace.

3) Take a break, grab a drink and sit quietly with yourself. This is a huge emotional piece for you.

4) Then gently ask yourself, "what am I afraid of"? Let the answer come to you naturally without forcing it. Write down the line on the piece of paper:

e.g. "I'm afraid that my sister is going to get hurt and that I could have done something to have prevented it."

5)  Look at your anger statement. Look at your fear statement.  Can you really see the love in them? Look at how compassionate you are or how much you care about yourself or others. See how much you wish you could connect and how deeply disappointed and frustrated you are.

6) Put your hand over your heart and give yourself a lot of gentleness and kindness.  Then ask yourself, "What am I believing about myself that is causing my suffering? What am I making myself wrong for? How am I believing I'm bad?"

e.g. I believe I'm being a bad sister because my sister keeps making choices that lead to her being hurt.

Can you see the false perception of this? The need to control the situation with anger because the real issue is you? It's threatening your own goodness, soul, sense of over-responsibility,etc. 

With the example above, there is the deep desire to be a "good sister" by doing everything in my might to protect my sister. My anger and frustration that she won't take my advice comes from a deep desire to not want to see her hurt and feeling like I failed as a sister. Yet, inevitably, the anger will cause disconnect, hurt feelings and so forth.

7) What new belief can you have about yourself with this situation? What decision can you make about yourself and others?
e.g.  New Belief: "I am a good sister who is trying her best to help and protect her sister. If she gets hurt, it is not my fault." 

Decision: "I give her the dignity and respect of making her own choices. It is my job to make sure I don't get hurt by her choices that I disagree with which will cause me hurt and pain. I set healthy boundaries for me."

Interesting, eh? When you go through the layers and layers of what the anger is really about, it starts revealing a whole new level of understanding that is actually rooted in love. 

See if you can try this exercise out and let me know how it works for you!

You Deserve Support

I read somewhere a person’s description of stress and equating it with the feeling of hell. It’s like that hamster wheel we can’t get off and yet feeling like it is a constant uphill battle. Feeling scattered, small accidents, dropping things, forgetting things, getting emotionally upset, making bad choices, and going into self-destructive behaviour are all signs of being stressed out.

I believe that the remedy for getting off the stress train is support – support in all sorts of ways.  Supportive friends and family, a great pair of comfy and supportive shoes, supportive feng shui elements in the home, healthy food, people who want to see you succeed, a place in nature where you feel calm and loved, etc., a therapist who is on your side.

Because usually when we are in a rut of one thing after the next, it’s because we feel it is all up to us and we have to take it on. We have a hard time reaching out for help and sometimes feel it would take way too long to explain what it is we need exactly.  We sometimes believe the solution is something like – “I just wish someone would give me a whole bunch of cash,” or “I just want to move to a deserted island away from all the yahoos in the world and live more life in peace”.

It is especially hard if you had a childhood where there was little support or people who actively worked against you. Where you had to chart your own path and find whatever support was offered.  For people like this, including myself, asking for help and trusting it will be delivered can feel like the most gargantuan task in the world. It just seems easier to be self-sufficient. 

For clients who are taking on too much with little support in their lives, I see them come into my healing room with tense shoulders, upset by all the injustices in the world, and feeling overly responsible for the people and circumstances in their life.  Often within a few sessions, where we can release the core beliefs and the tensions, these clients come to a place of a more balanced perspective of things, and less burdened by having to take care of everything. I always encourage them to find support systems in their life, no matter how small. 

Often, though, we may not even know or trust the support when it is offered to us, because we’ve been conditioned to relate to support that eventually hurts us.  Support is meant to feel warm and fuzzy where our beings and feel relaxed and open and there are no strings attached.

This seems easier said than done.  This is why I have drafted a set of questions for you to consider when you are feeling uber-stressed and undersupported:

1)      What is stressing me out right now?

2)      What is actually stressing me out?

3)      What is really truly stressing me out?

4)      After getting the heart of the issue in question 3, what would my ideal outcome be?

5)      What do I need to feel more supported with this issue?

6)      What can I do to get this support?

7)      How does my body feel if I get this support?

8)      What 3 action steps can I take to feel more relaxed about this issue?

I would love to be someone who is on your support team to help you release the energies and relax into who you are meant to be. You deserve to have more love, balance and care in your life on all levels. 

If we haven’t done a session together for over a year, then please book a FREE “Tune Into Your Heart” Initial Session or a Life BalancePlan Session. If we have worked together recently, then you may want to check out the “Take a Time Out” Packages here. 

Here’s to your life of balance, ease and calm.