We've all been there.
"Why won't they get it? Don't they understand? Don't they care? Why can't they hear me?"
Oh that beloved feeling of frustration and anger when we just seem to not be understood. It can make us feel alone, unsafe and without any support.
I know this feeling well -- I still have a hard time with certain relationships or people in my family and community that makes me want to pull my hair out at times. I have tools, I have done tons of therapy and counselling and I strive to be a self-aware and conscious person. But emotions are emotions. They creep up and can throw us entirely off balance.
So what can be done in those circumstances, where your steam is coming out of your ears or you are in despair?
First, know that this is your point of growth. It's your opportunity to either withdraw, rage, become passive aggressive, attack or dominate, or it's your opportunity to become emotionally aware and mature in your communication. Our culture has not given us any road maps on how to deal with anger, yet when embraced it's our greatest chance for inner strength, self-protection and the release of deeper pain.
If you want to grow in maturity, then here are some ways to parse this out.
1) Write down what it is exactly that you are angry about. Not a full letter. Just a one-line of the issue exactly.
e.g. I'm angry that my sister won't take my advice.
2) Then write down your pain, speak it out in the mirror or share it with a friend or coach/therapist. This is where you want to explore all the emotions and circumstances that have been painful for you. You can write pages and pages, or rant in the mirror or let it out in the healing space. Keep the focal point on what your angry issue is and try not to steer away from it. This way you will get the full release and you will be able to really get the clarity and peace.
3) Take a break, grab a drink and sit quietly with yourself. This is a huge emotional piece for you.
4) Then gently ask yourself, "what am I afraid of"? Let the answer come to you naturally without forcing it. Write down the line on the piece of paper:
e.g. "I'm afraid that my sister is going to get hurt and that I could have done something to have prevented it."
5) Look at your anger statement. Look at your fear statement. Can you really see the love in them? Look at how compassionate you are or how much you care about yourself or others. See how much you wish you could connect and how deeply disappointed and frustrated you are.
6) Put your hand over your heart and give yourself a lot of gentleness and kindness. Then ask yourself, "What am I believing about myself that is causing my suffering? What am I making myself wrong for? How am I believing I'm bad?"
e.g. I believe I'm being a bad sister because my sister keeps making choices that lead to her being hurt.
Can you see the false perception of this? The need to control the situation with anger because the real issue is you? It's threatening your own goodness, soul, sense of over-responsibility,etc.
With the example above, there is the deep desire to be a "good sister" by doing everything in my might to protect my sister. My anger and frustration that she won't take my advice comes from a deep desire to not want to see her hurt and feeling like I failed as a sister. Yet, inevitably, the anger will cause disconnect, hurt feelings and so forth.
7) What new belief can you have about yourself with this situation? What decision can you make about yourself and others?
e.g. New Belief: "I am a good sister who is trying her best to help and protect her sister. If she gets hurt, it is not my fault."
Decision: "I give her the dignity and respect of making her own choices. It is my job to make sure I don't get hurt by her choices that I disagree with which will cause me hurt and pain. I set healthy boundaries for me."
"Why won't they get it? Don't they understand? Don't they care? Why can't they hear me?"
Oh that beloved feeling of frustration and anger when we just seem to not be understood. It can make us feel alone, unsafe and without any support.
I know this feeling well -- I still have a hard time with certain relationships or people in my family and community that makes me want to pull my hair out at times. I have tools, I have done tons of therapy and counselling and I strive to be a self-aware and conscious person. But emotions are emotions. They creep up and can throw us entirely off balance.
So what can be done in those circumstances, where your steam is coming out of your ears or you are in despair?
First, know that this is your point of growth. It's your opportunity to either withdraw, rage, become passive aggressive, attack or dominate, or it's your opportunity to become emotionally aware and mature in your communication. Our culture has not given us any road maps on how to deal with anger, yet when embraced it's our greatest chance for inner strength, self-protection and the release of deeper pain.
If you want to grow in maturity, then here are some ways to parse this out.
1) Write down what it is exactly that you are angry about. Not a full letter. Just a one-line of the issue exactly.
e.g. I'm angry that my sister won't take my advice.
2) Then write down your pain, speak it out in the mirror or share it with a friend or coach/therapist. This is where you want to explore all the emotions and circumstances that have been painful for you. You can write pages and pages, or rant in the mirror or let it out in the healing space. Keep the focal point on what your angry issue is and try not to steer away from it. This way you will get the full release and you will be able to really get the clarity and peace.
3) Take a break, grab a drink and sit quietly with yourself. This is a huge emotional piece for you.
4) Then gently ask yourself, "what am I afraid of"? Let the answer come to you naturally without forcing it. Write down the line on the piece of paper:
e.g. "I'm afraid that my sister is going to get hurt and that I could have done something to have prevented it."
5) Look at your anger statement. Look at your fear statement. Can you really see the love in them? Look at how compassionate you are or how much you care about yourself or others. See how much you wish you could connect and how deeply disappointed and frustrated you are.
6) Put your hand over your heart and give yourself a lot of gentleness and kindness. Then ask yourself, "What am I believing about myself that is causing my suffering? What am I making myself wrong for? How am I believing I'm bad?"
e.g. I believe I'm being a bad sister because my sister keeps making choices that lead to her being hurt.
Can you see the false perception of this? The need to control the situation with anger because the real issue is you? It's threatening your own goodness, soul, sense of over-responsibility,etc.
With the example above, there is the deep desire to be a "good sister" by doing everything in my might to protect my sister. My anger and frustration that she won't take my advice comes from a deep desire to not want to see her hurt and feeling like I failed as a sister. Yet, inevitably, the anger will cause disconnect, hurt feelings and so forth.
7) What new belief can you have about yourself with this situation? What decision can you make about yourself and others?
e.g. New Belief: "I am a good sister who is trying her best to help and protect her sister. If she gets hurt, it is not my fault."
Decision: "I give her the dignity and respect of making her own choices. It is my job to make sure I don't get hurt by her choices that I disagree with which will cause me hurt and pain. I set healthy boundaries for me."
Interesting, eh? When you go through the layers and layers of what the anger is really about, it starts revealing a whole new level of understanding that is actually rooted in love.
See if you can try this exercise out and let me know how it works for you!
See if you can try this exercise out and let me know how it works for you!
No comments:
Post a Comment