Lately in my sessions and personal life, I’ve been noticing
the same message coming through – totally and utterly accept yourself. It sounds so easy but it’s really hard to do.
Accepting yourself doesn’t mean making excuses and just being
lazy about your life. Instead, accepting yourself means taking the pressure off
the gas pedal and easing up the critical voice that tells you that you need to
do more and be more or be different. It
usually comes from the dreaded gremlin of comparing oneself with others, saying
you should do this or be that, otherwise you will be left behind.
There is magic that happens when I share with clients the
powerful phrase: “let’s give permission for you to totally accept this part of
you and let’s find out the beauty of who you are in it.”
When I say this, clients’ shoulders drop and they take a
deep breath in and out, realizing how much they were trying to be something
they are not.
We journey into discovering so much about themselves: “bad”
habits and all – and find out what is really going on beneath the surface of
resistance and procrastination and unfulfilling ways of living. We end up discovering that the person doesn’t
do the dishes every day because they actually feel unhappy in their home and
relationship and instead would prefer to go out to the mall to shop instead of
doing the dishes. We then unpack what’s happening in that relationship and we
discover that perhaps it’s not a bad relationship after all but rather they don’t
do enough fun things out of the house together. The balance of doing housework would come in,
if they had time to do fun stuff out of the house.
Neat, eh? No shame. No judgment. No pushing. Just
acceptance.
I believe that most of our habits and avoidances come from
trying to fit into boxes we aren’t meant to be in or learned beliefs about
ourselves that we developed in our childhood, and this is what creates our
suffering. It makes us do things, say things or live a certain way that causes
us tension and stress. We do it from the
“should and shouldn’t” mindset. I should
want a car. I should get more done in the day. I should get married. I should
workout at the gym three times a week. I
shouldn’t swear. I shouldn’t have conflict because I’m spiritual. I shouldn’t say
no to my mother.
Whenever we should or shouldn’t ourselves, we build a tyrant
in our mind and become subconsciously self-punishing.
“But how will I ever improve my life or get anything done,
Heather?! I can’t just accept myself, warts and all. I’ll just be a blob on the
couch if I do,” I’ve heard people say to me.
I beg to differ. I reply with: “Why not ask yourself: What am I not accepting about myself (my
body, my nature, my perspective, my preferences, my interests)? What would I prefer?
What works better for me?” When you start asking yourself what you want, your
whole being will start singing with joy. It will breathe saying “ah…you’re
finally listening to me!” By not pushing or pressuring yourself, you will find
creative solutions to your problems, you will re-gain balance in your life and
learn how to assert yourself to others with the simple phrase: “that just doesn’t
work for me.”
It is remarkable what happens when we embrace all of who we
are, without shame, hiding or explaining ourselves.
When I did this in my life, it helped me open new doors to
experiences and discoveries. I learned
how to bellydance because I was curious and ended up at a pretty neat recital.
Then I stopped because I realized it wasn’t totally for me – I needed more
spontaneity in my dancing. I took Spanish courses and travelled through Mexico
even though everyone thought I was crazy.
I embraced the side of me that is a minimalist despite coming from a
family of shoppers and people who like to buy stuff. I value being eco-consciousness and contributing
to social change so I buy most of my clothes from second-hand stores. And I do
it with joy, not from a mindset that I’m poor. It becomes a type of adventure
for me. I used to be a party girl in my
20s and realized I was only doing it because everyone else was and my family
trained me to be this way. My truth is
that I like more quiet and calm, and introspective activities like reading and
writing. And the list goes on.
When I didn’t listen to myself and accept myself, it led me
down the path of wasted time and money. I
tried to fit myself into the image of what someone else wanted me to be. I became a hair and bridal model in my teens
(for real!) because I idolized someone in
Elle magazine, and wanted to be like her. I took a year-long course that
made my whole body feel stressed out because someone told me it would be a good
thing to get for my professional reputation. I took a four-year marketing degree because my
boyfriend at the time thought it would be a good idea, even though all I wanted
to do was learn how to write. I ended up with a massive student loan and a
degree that gave me work I hated.
We do this all the time to ourselves – shoulding ourselves
into who we are supposed to be rather than who we are in our bodies, hearts,
minds and spirits. If we could just
relax into who we are naturally, follow our interests, listen to our own
rhythm, tune into that part of us that desires something different or more,
then life can flow so much better again.
What is one area of your life that you are “shoulding”
yourself? If you totally accepted yourself with this, what new possibilities
could open up for you?
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If you would like to do further work together, book a FREE "Tune Into Your Heart" Session so we can unpack all your shoulds and so you can create a more balanced and self-accepting life.
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