Love is in the "No"

Quite a few years ago, there was a spiritual movement out there that encouraged you to say “yes” to all opportunities, invitations and synchronicities, believing it will open you up to a world of adventures, synchronicities and form a different understanding of how the Universe works.  Though it can be a good technique to get you out of your comfort zones, I believe it isn’t the way to go. There is actually a lot of spirituality in the word “No”.

I tried this “yes” movement out for a bit myself, and quite honestly, it became exhausting, scattering and I followed roads that led to nowhere in the way of personal satisfaction. Not to mention, it really isn’t safe to say yes to everyone or everything.

As a caring person and peacemaker type, someone who over-gives, trusts too quickly and overcommits, I have had to actually learn how to say “no”, without apologizing or feeling guilty. It isn’t easy to do, but it’s so important to do in order to have a satisfying and balanced life.

I get that it can be hard to decide when to say “no” when your inclination is to always say “yes”, without becoming rigid and self-centred (what every caring person dreads to be). 

Here’s the flip side: “have you ever thought that saying no because it doesn’t feel right or it will lead to your suffering invites the opportunity for that person to find someone else who they need to connect to? Or they will find a creative solution that opens doors for them in a different direction?”  Now I’m not saying you should say “no” to someone in immediate need – that’s just being heartless. I’m saying that you need to find that “no” within you out of a place of self-care and self-preservation, where you know your limits.  When you know your limits then you can open up to grounded possibilities. 

You see, you are not here to rescue or save everyone. You are here to give and receive and love and grow and find a centre of peace and compassion within yourself. You are here to enjoy your life, too.

I find there are a whole lot of my clients who look at me when I suggest they say “no” to someone or a circumstance, as if to say “well, if I say no, doesn’t that make me a bad friend or person?”

“Absolutely not!” I reply. True friends understand and respect your yes and your no. They want to see you happy and they would want you to be honest with them rather than doing something out of obligation. True friends understand the importance of give and take, and healthy self-care. They accept us for our limits, our anxieties and our own desires. 

But what about saying no to opportunities – isn’t that something you just shouldn’t do? Like looking into the gaze of success and saying “Na, I’d rather sleep in, thanks.”  Well, of course, it depends on the opportunity. If it’s the gig you have been waiting your whole life for, then go for it, no matter if it seems like the dishes won’t get done. But if you have a whole lot on your plate and an opportunity comes your way, it’s quite possible it’s not the opportunity for you. Adding something else to your plate will cause you more suffering, and it may actually distract you from completing what you have already set out to do. If the opportunity comes at poor timing, then chances are, it’s not meant to be. Something else will come along that will be better for you.

You see, it’s all about following what energizes you rather than depletes you. Saying no can actually give you more energy, while saying yes could actually drain you.  As a simple example, saying “no” to sugar is actually a good thing.

When you find yourself having to make a decision, tune into your body and your emotions and ask yourself – does this idea feel energizing or heavy?  Do I feel tired just at the thought of it? Or does it open me up? 

It is quite possible that your “no” can be the most self-honouring and empowered thing you can do.  And it could actually bless another to get the help and support they really need. Truly, I believe, “No” can be a loving word.

You have all the answers within you. You just need to learn to listen. If you want to grow in more self-care and re-vitalize your life, then please book a FREE Initial Heart-to-Heart Session so we can explore your needs and if I can support you.