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I will be honest with you. I'm from a very complicated and difficult family -- a colourful, interesting family that is rich in personalities, conflicts and differences. A family that has taught me about compassion, mental health issues, personality disorders, codependency and crisis. I've grown a lot as a person and soul because of them. But many of them I don't talk to. I know -- you might be saying: "But aren't you all about peace and love, Heather?". Yes, I am. But I'm about healthy peace and healthy love. I'm not a "peace at all costs" person.
Most clients I connect with have some stories of pain, loss, violence, abuse, betrayal and abandonment with some family members. Some people tell me that their family members demean them, disrespect them and just plain ol' don't get them. They want to fix, heal, change and know what will it take to make the dynamic work. They think they are bad people because they just can't get along or find forgiveness. They end up suffering because they are feeling like the outsider and they aren't part of the cultural pressures of family holidays and hallmark cards.
I feel the struggle in these clients because at the core they want to be good, loving and responsible people. They want to own their part. Much of my work with them is to remind them of what they deserve in relationships -- respect, equality, safety, validation, acknowledgment, mutual satisfaction. It's to let them know that boundaries are their divine right and they don't have to tolerate being in highly stressful, unhappy dynamics. The pull of wanting a family, trying to stay loyal, knowing the story of each family member and their struggles, is what keeps them hooked in tolerating bad behaviour or treatment.
Of course, each dynamic is different, and no one person can meet your love or life needs. I'm not saying to give up on a family member when they are going through a rough time, nor to judge them for their struggles.
Just assess, overall, "does this person bring out the stress in your or the best in you?".
Some other questions you can ask yourself:
"Do you feel generally relaxed and safe around the person?"
"If you have been harmed by them, do you feel they have acknowledged and validated the hurt so you can trust it won't happen again?"
"Do you like spending time with this person?"
If you feel there is a family member who is causing you more pain than benefit in your life, it is time to let them go emotionally and spiritually. You can not set yourself up to be disappointed or hurt repeatedly, nor can you seek them as sources of love and support. It is sad, I know. But there is a whole world of other people out there you are meant to create a family of choice with. When you release those who aren't good for you, then you can invite in those who are. Trust me. I've had to do this a number of times. My family would probably say that I'm not good for them either because we have different values.
Just bow to them, thank them and see them for who they were in your life and what they taught you -- and decide to release them for your own sanity and happiness.
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If you need help to navigate through your dynamic, book a "Stay Aligned Program" for monthly support to help you align with your true heart and life goals.
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