Do You Overgive?

‘Tis the season of giving and receiving. Whether we agree with the consumer culture or not of the holidays, there is a sense of completing the year with a sense of giving something – appreciation, cookies, a card or a gift.

It makes me reflect on the dynamics of relationships. True balanced relationships have an equal sense of giving and receiving that allows for mutual satisfaction. 

We often see this trait of “it’s better to give than receive” as something noble and to aspire to. I believe the essence of that message is telling us the importance of thinking of others as well as ourselves not instead of ourselves.

True giving comes from a genuine space within one’s heart and mind. It is meant to convey love, kindness, support and meaning.

When giving sets you or others off-balance, it starts to be weird and icky, creating a host of resentments.

We ultimately should give without expectation. That is true. On an energetic scale, in relationships, it is wiser to give as much to someone as you feel they can give back to you. This creates respect, care, and an honest connection between the two of you. You see, when you over-give to someone, it puts them into a position of feeling small and helpless and dependent on you, like a child.

How many times have you had someone give too much to you and then you felt indebted to them? You may have even felt like they are using gifts or favours as a way to either compensate for guilt or low self-esteem. They may even be avoiding closeness by using material objects as their buffer from having real conversations. That’s right. Sometimes over-giving is a way to avoid intimate connection with others, making the giver and receiver feel lonely and empty.

How about the times when someone has given you a gift that falls flat – sending the message that they really don’t get you at all. Through the person’s desire to give out of obligation it has actually created a sense of distance in the relationship.

Or what about situations where you put your all into an organization, and you find out that they don’t really recognize your efforts. They may actually take the advice more from who doesn’t put in the same amount of time and effort. In this case, subconsciously people feel they can trust and respect the person who has healthy boundaries of time, money and how much and how little they are willing to give.

From over 10 years of serving clients, I have seen so many kind-hearted, caring and spiritually focused people come to me. Some are exhausted, feeling like they aren’t getting the love and support they want and they just don’t understand what they are doing wrong. I usually examine the relationships in their lives and see which ones are out of balance – especially with ways they are enabling the dysfunction by giving too many excuses or work harder emotionally to keep the dynamic going.

When we give ourselves the space to honestly explore our motives when we over-give we may actually uncover a more selfish reason. We don’t want to be alone. We want to be liked or loved. We want to be seen as good people. These are all ways the ego talks to us and tells us we have to work hard in order to earn love and respect. This is not the case at all. If we are self-aware of our limits, feeling in our hearts the care and love we have for another person and really tune into what they need, asking ourselves what we can and cannot offer, you can find the perfect, touching and meaningful gift that brings you closer as people. Sometimes that gift is simply time to share and listen. Other times it’s actually an object.

Either way, you end up creating more impactful and genuine love in your life.

Here’s to a holiday of balanced giving and receiving so you can start 2020 in a fresh and uplifting way.

5 Tips on How to Deal with Bullies

"Go empower yourself. You need confidence because the one thing that bullying does is it belittles you, and it takes away your confidence, and nobody deserves that."
-Bill Goldberg

1) Just because they express their anger, doesn't mean you are in the wrong. Bullies use emotions to dominate and control other people. Often that emotion is anger. Truly kind, caring and balanced people don't like feeling like they made someone angry. The truth is that we all have a choice in how we express our anger to others. If there is yelling, accusations, name-calling, intimidation, blaming, or guilt-tripping, you know you are dealing with an emotional bully.  Don't internalize their anger and see what their games are for what they are -- emotional dominance or manipulation.

2) Be okay if they use the silent treatment.  This is a common weapon of choice and one that keeps them in control of the dynamic. If you have done everything to want to communicate, dialogue or discuss the issues, and the other person goes silent, it is their power play. Do not take the bait and apologize for things. It takes two to have a conflict or challenge and it takes two people to resolve it. Unfortunately, a bully wants you to grovel and demean yourself so they can stay in control. Use their silent treatment as a chance to leave the relationship behind without guilt.

3) Document all the ways you feel crazy-made, manipulated, gaslighted or controlled. A bully can use subtle tactics like saying one thing and doing another, or they can use overt tactics like spreading vicious rumours. You can't reason with a bully but you need to keep your sanity. When you document the things that the bully does or doesn't do, then you can make a case if you need to without sounding like you are over the top. It also helps you validate yourself that you aren't just "too sensitive".

4) Look inside yourself to see if you are holding onto this relationship because you need their approval, money or networks. A bully knows your vulnerable spot and creates dependencies with vulnerable people. Check yourself to see why you tolerate and stay and see if you can find other ways to meet your needs. This helps you move away from depending on the bully and reclaiming control of yourself and your life.

5) Get support. Find a friend, counsellor, therapist or coach to talk to about your situation. Don't feel ashamed that you are being bullied. Bullies depend on you isolating yourself in self-doubt. Once you have another person to help you see the messed up behaviour of the bully, you can see more clearly and take the right action. You don't have to suffer alone.

Naming Workplace Bullying

Often the discussion of bullying is reserved for the school-aged kids. Here in Ontario we have seen dreadful outcomes for a young boy in Hamilton because no one truly believed him or protected him.  How many of us can relate to that feeling of being young and dreading school, knowing there will be teasing, gossip or physical violence? 

Why do we assume that when we get older these issues amongst our peers and or other adults go away magically? No – they just become more insidious and subversive or justified as part of a cruel and competitive world.  The hard part is trusting your intuition and naming it. If you are a kind, empathetic person, you may even believe that some part of you deserves the treatment or you’re supposed to apologize for just being yourself. 

Workplace bullies come in many disguises. The co-worker who wants to team up with you only to steal your work. The team that makes decisions behind your back or refuses to ask for your input. The boss that humiliates you in front of your co-workers or clients. The client who shames you on Facebook or a Google Review, even though you know you did well even if there were mistakes.

The hard part about workplace bullying is that your livelihood depends on earning a pay check. It’s not easy to walk away from it. So often you have to find coping mechanisms to tolerate the toxic atmosphere until you can get the heck out.

Some ways bullying shows up in the workplace are:

·        - there is an imbalance of power and control (though peer bullying is a thing, too)

·        - unable to have a decent, balanced conversation to address concerns

·        - the use of emotions such as intimidation, anger, guilt-tripping or shaming to destabilize you and make you feel bad about yourself

·        - circular arguments

·        - gaslighting (twisting of events and facts) to make you believe you are the crazy one

·        - strategizing behind your back but denying anything is happening

·        - verbal or physical aggression

·        - pettiness

·        - bringing up past mistakes that you thought were resolved

·        - try to smear your reputation

·        - belittling you with criticisms or sarcasms on a regular basis

·        - threatening or blackmailing you

Often times, the ones who are new, are low in status and have little influence are the ones who are scapegoated. Bullies know who to pick on and are well-versed (perhaps from their school-age days) on how to dominate and overpower others. As a kind, empathetic or sensitive person, you do not need to suffer alone. Step one is to educate yourself and name bullying for what it is. Step two is to share what you are going through with someone you trust who can validate you. Step three is to know your boundaries and how to respond. Step four is to remove yourself from the bullying through reporting it or getting another position.

If you are recovering from this dynamic at a workplace, please reach out to book a FREE “YourNext 3 Steps to Thrive Again” Strategy Session with me.  We’ll see if I can help you heal, grow and flourish after this toxic workplace dynamic. I know ‘cuz I’ve been there!

Meet My Gaga: Escort, Sex Addict or Empowered Woman?

As part of the bi-weekly Write from the Heart Club that I facilitate, I assigned the exercise to write “A Story of An Ancestor”, which is fitting for this time of year.

The purpose of this exercise is to understand more personally the journey of one or some of those who came before us, knowing it will offer insight, strength and compassion when one takes the time to tell their story.

So, I thought I would share with you a story of my Great Grandmother Gertrude – or ‘Gaga’ as we used to call her.  I still can’t figure out if she was an upper class Escort, Sex Addict or an Empowered Woman ahead of her time.

My young experience of her was of a woman who wore a perfectly groomed wig, played cards in her room all day and she had a stash of Coffee Crisp chocolate bars in her dresser drawers. She had no patience for anyone who couldn’t play poker or euchre with her, which meant I would get locked out of the room while my sister got to stay with her. I would cry and knock and bang on the door for them to let me in but she wouldn’t budge. After some time – half an hour or so, I guess – my sister would come out with a half-eaten Coffee Crisp in her hand smiling with victorious pride, while I stared longingly for just one bite.

As you can imagine, I didn’t like Gaga very much. In fact, she left an indelible emotional imprint on my heart up until adulthood of feeling rejected and unwanted.

Though as I got older, I listened more closely to the stories about her. I became fascinated about who this woman was. She had a richer story than some of the tales I heard of her ending up in a long-term care home, stealing people’s dentures and accusing all the men of trying to sleep with her.

Gaga was from Grand Falls, New Brunswick – a very small town of Irish Settlers. Baptist Churches sprouted like dandelions there.

She was not your conventional woman of the late 1800s. She, shall we say, enjoyed her sexuality. Eventually she ended up pregnant with my grandmother out of wedlock, which was one of the deepest shames for a young woman at that time. This caused a lot of suffering for her daughter, my grandmother, who got bullied at school. One day she came home to graffiti on the fence, calling my grandmother “The Whore’s Daughter”.  

Gaga was a single mom for the first 5 years because no man wanted to marry her.  She eventually met a man -- the owner of a local fish hatchery -- who was willing to get betrothed in a church. He did this despite the fact that his father stood up and said he opposed this union of his son and this “disgraceful woman”. Fortunately the Priest spoke up and said that Gertrude is a fine woman who was fit to be married, shutting the man up right then and there.

I found a small Bible years later with the inscription from the same Priest that said “Dear Gertrude, You are a wonderful woman. With my sincerest blessings.”

This wasn’t the only inscription I knew of dedicated to Gaga. 

My grandmother showed me a photo of Errol Flynn, the swashbuckling womanizing actor of his time. On the back it said: “Thanks for the good times, Gertie. Love, Errol.”   Hmmmm….

There was more to this Great Grandmother than just withholding Coffee Crisps.  

My grandmother remembered sitting in hotel lobbies while she waited for Gaga who would go into rooms with strange men. They spent a lot of time in Maine – a favourite hot spot of the rich and famous at the time and came back home with fancy clothes, pretending that they were wealthier than they were.

Gaga did this throughout her marriage – go to hotel rooms with strange men and spend time in Maine.  I asked my grandmother if Gaga's husband knew about it. My grandmother believed he was gay and they had a marriage of social convenience so they could both have their lifestyles without the shaming of the community. That made sense to me.

A part of me romanticized the possibility that Gaga was an upper class escort to wealthy men, giving her credit for being a leading edge business woman who knew what she wanted and had high tastes in elegance. 

The other part of me wondered if she suffered from Erotomania – a delusional disorder of believing that famous people are in love with you – and that she would write inscriptions on things to make them appear that she was admired and loved by the most notable.   This was a possibility because she was hospitalized a number of times in the Mayo Clinic for sex addiction and could have also been treated for other psychiatric conditions. This also made me wonder if she was a sexual trauma survivor because this kind of acting out emotionally and sexually is a common behaviour pattern.

Of course, my sexually empowered feminist wants to bring her the dignity that she was merely a misunderstood, empowered and sexually alive woman born in the wrong time period.  She was slut shamed by her own community and the psychiatric system.  I couldn't ignore though that there were obvious signs of severe mental illness, as she was known for having insane temper tantrums and narcissistic rages.

I can only put the pieces together based on my personal journey as a woman in this world and the various messages around sexuality in order to understand Gaga’s life better. I, too, have experienced sexual trauma and slut shaming by Christians. I have explored my own sexuality and preferences and relate well to the LGBTQ struggles then and now.  

I also have deep compassion for women who are trapped in the sex trade industry as well as the trauma of sexual abuse survivors. 

Just like Gaga, I felt “not good enough” for potential partners because of my own wounds as a survivor. Luckily, I’ve found a spouse who accepts me for who I am and holds my wounds with care where we both embrace each other’s sexuality.

These pieces of their lives have been important for me to understand myself better – to see that I am part of a bigger fabric of women’s freedom and sexual empowerment. I can see that line of women as crazy and ill, or I can see them as pioneers who have so much resilience.

Whenever I see a Coffee Crisp, I think of Gaga and smile instead of feeling the pain of her rejection. My heart was able to heal because I sought to understand one of the ancestors who rejected me at a young age. 

I invite you to do the same so you can find true dignity, meaning and peace in who you are and where you have come from.

You are welcome to explore your own story of your ancestors at the upcoming Be Free: Break Family Patterns and Re-Connect to Deeper Love on Sun October 27^th.  It is a unique group gathering that meets bi-monthly where you can understand more deeply the impact of your ancestors on your life path and choices.  You can also book a personal Blossoming You Session where you and I explore your lineage one-on-one online or in-person.

Why Honour Our Ancestors?

Oh October! This has to be one of my favourite months. The colours of the leaves, a day off on Thanksgiving to spend with family or friends, pumpkins and...Hallowe'en! I've always loved to dress up and find that alter ego in me that wants to come out. 

From a spiritual perspective, this time of year is extra magical. According to earth-based spiritual traditions and ancient practices around the world, the end of October and beginning of November are considered to be when the Other Side of the Veil is the thinnest -- which means we can connect to and feel the blessings of those who have passed on.  It is a time of remembering, deep relating and contemplating the meaning of life & death, as well as giving offerings of gratitude, treats and flowers to their lives.

Many in the Western world ask -- "why bother?" believing that when someone dies, they just die. We treat those who've passed away as if they are disposable, like garbage, as if their lives meant absolutely nothing. Then we wonder why we live in a culture that feels soul-less and purpose-less and lacking of wisdom. 

In my opinion and from my experience as a Family/Soul Constellations Facilitator, if we don't honour the elders and those who died in our families, we lose a sense of connection to something bigger, and we become ungrounded. We lose touch with our roots and so lose the strength of our stories and the dignity they bring. This can make us feel empty and purposeless in our own mortality and lives. We are then at-risk of repeating patterns of suffering which makes us regress in our ancestral lineage rather than moving forward.  

There is richness in each person's life journey and wisdom to be gained by their mistakes and their victories. If we lose these lessons and just bury them without respect, we can stop our own growth as a person and as a collective.

I say this from personal experience with my own healing. I walked the typical Western white woman path of living for the day and not thinking about the relationships in my lineage. I took an academic perspective of living from one's own identity and truth, not feeling accountable to those who came before me. 

It was only when I lived in Oaxaca City, Mexico that I opened up to a whole other way of seeing and being, realizing there is way more to our lives than this physical existence. I could see the hard work and joy that those who came before me experienced. 

I really got that our earthly lives are a small blip on our soul's journey. Mystical experiences started happening to me when I opened up to new realities.  

From sitting in the truth of the ancestors, I realized that I had to come back to my home town to see, heal and resolve any of the conflicts or confusions I had, and to learn more about my roots. I came to my own sense of peace with my limited mortality and all of the lessons I had learned on this path of life. 

This is when I was introduced to Family Constellations -- a unique approach to connecting to our ancestors. I got to see that my grandmother suffered from depression which carried through our female side. I also got to see how my great grandfather was an extremely kind man who helped the community and inspired others to know about the power of humility and honesty.

Through soul coaching and Constellations, I've seen my clients face, acknowledge and honour their ancestors, even with all of the drama, suffering and hurt, and embrace who they are and where they are from.  

When they are humbled by the bigger movement of suffering and victories in their lineage, they end up developing a maturity within themselves and find their place in the world.  It frees them from the cycle of feeling like a victim or perpetrator or they break the spell of feeling invisible. They develop an inner strength and pride to their lives and can see clearly how to move forward while letting the past go. They feel the love and the openness that comes from relating to the great grandparent they never met but always heard about, or they finally get to put the pieces together about why their parents just never could have worked out. They grow in compassion and love from what was really going on in the hearts of their family. 

I invite you to experience this powerful approach to life and death. Whether it's through your own home ritual, or you participate in the Be Free: Untangle From Family Drama with Love or book a Blossoming You session with me, I would love to help you find the new awareness and deep connection you can gain from tuning into your ancestors. True peace and self-acceptance is waiting for you. 

3 Statements That Can Change Your Life: “Ouch. I’m hurting. I need help.”

I just had a past life healing today that showed me the power of embarrassment – not shame, but embarrassment. Even if you don’t believe in past lives, bear with me.  In this past life, it was the 1950s and I was hit by a drunk driver. I was in shock and wanted to scream but I couldn’t. Then I died. The kicker was that I felt embarrassed before I died, because I created such a scene. Yup. This made sense to me, especially for that time when women were conditioned to be nice and to people please.  I also believed then that no one could help me because I died before the rush of people came to my aid. You know what? I carried that emotional pattern into this lifetime of feeling embarrassed whenever I get hurt and that no one can help me. I have a pattern of holding a stoic position that I have to figure it out all by myself and just to suck it up. 

This lifetime has given me many opportunities to change this pattern but I just wasn’t learning the lesson. I have been a victim of sexual assault, been cheated on by an ex, and had a smear campaign by a narcissistic partner. Each of those times I barely told a soul. I just sucked it up and felt embarrassed that this happened to me. Suppressing all of this led to chronic back pain, feeling isolated and having anxiety attacks.

This session made me wonder how many times other people do this. When they get genuinely hurt through no fault of their own they clam up and internalize it and don’t tell a soul. How tragic, right? The worst part is that those emotions get blocked and clogged in them. They become disconnected from others, lose closeness and don’t get to truly let go emotionally of the hurt inside. As much as they may want to move forward, they just can’t. The incidents and secret hurts just linger and fester and become toxic. Imagine if they just reached out to someone they felt safe with, not worrying what another person thinks of them and said: “Ouch. I’m hurting. I need help.” 

There is nothing to be embarrassed about by being in emotional, mental or physical pain. That’s life and that’s why we are here – to help alleviate our and others’ suffering. It’s what actually creates a more empathetic world. By giving others the opportunity to relate to you and your experiences, they grow as kinder more compassionate people. Neat, eh?

If this speaks to you, I would love to help you shift these inner patterns you have that keep you stuck and disconnected.  Just book a FREE “Your Next 3 Steps to ThriveAgain” Session so we can chat and see how you can start moving forward instead of letting the past hold a grip on you.

Letting Go of Family Members Who Hurt

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
― Steve Maraboli


I will be honest with you. I'm from a very complicated and difficult family -- a colourful, interesting family that is rich in personalities, conflicts and differences. A family that has taught me about compassion, mental health issues, personality disorders, codependency and crisis. I've grown a lot as a person and soul because of them. But many of them I don't talk to. I know -- you might be saying: "But aren't you all about peace and love, Heather?". Yes, I am. But I'm about healthy peace and healthy love. I'm not a "peace at all costs" person.  

Most clients I connect with have some stories of pain, loss, violence, abuse, betrayal and abandonment with some family members. Some people tell me that their family members demean them, disrespect them and just plain ol' don't get them. They want to fix, heal, change and know what will it take to make the dynamic work. They think they are bad people because they just can't get along or find forgiveness. They end up suffering because they are feeling like the outsider and they aren't part of the cultural pressures of family holidays and hallmark cards.

I feel the struggle in these clients because at the core they want to be good, loving and responsible people. They want to own their part. Much of my work with them is to remind them of what they deserve in relationships -- respect, equality, safety, validation, acknowledgment, mutual satisfaction. It's to let them know that boundaries are their divine right and they don't have to tolerate being in highly stressful, unhappy dynamics. The pull of wanting a family, trying to stay loyal, knowing the story of each family member and their struggles, is what keeps them hooked in tolerating bad behaviour or treatment.  

Of course, each dynamic is different, and no one person can meet your love or life needs. I'm not saying to give up on a family member when they are going through a rough time, nor to judge them for their struggles. 

Just assess, overall, "does this person bring out the stress in your or the best in you?". 

Some other questions you can ask yourself: 
"Do you feel generally relaxed and safe around the person?" 

"If you have been harmed by them, do you feel they have acknowledged and validated the hurt so you can trust it won't happen again?"

"Do you like spending time with this person?"

If you feel there is a family member who is causing you more pain than benefit in your life, it is time to let them go emotionally and spiritually. You can not set yourself up to be disappointed or hurt repeatedly, nor can you seek them as sources of love and support. It is sad, I know. But there is a whole world of other people out there you are meant to create a family of choice with. When you release those who aren't good for you, then you can invite in those who are. Trust me. I've had to do this a number of times. My family would probably say that I'm not good for them either because we have different values. 

Just bow to them, thank them and see them for who they were in your life and what they taught you -- and decide to release them for your own sanity and happiness. 

***

If you need help to navigate through your dynamic, book a "Stay Aligned Program" for monthly support to help you align with your true heart and life goals.