Just Chill...

As some of you know, I was away in Alberta last month. It was an absolutely amazing trip in many ways.  My greatest joy was being so close to the elements and nature with my fiancé. I had the chance to stay at a place in the rural area outside of Calgary, where the land is flat and dry, even with the snow blanketed on the earth, and the mountains look like watercolour renderings in the background.  We spent 3 days in Canmore, right in the midst of the Rocky Mountains, and there I felt the most healing of being around such majestic beauty.  The mountains have a way of bringing a sense of stability and strength, knowing that they are way bigger than any of the problems we face on a daily basis.

The culture in Canmore is one of health, well-being and nature.  There are skiiers, hikers, bikers and snowboarders everywhere. It’s a perfect spot for those into holistic healing, where yoga, massage, pilates and meditation are the norm. But not that healthy, where folks still enjoy drinking pints of local brew.  Even the bunnies there are friendly – every day they would follow me to the car, looking for a little treat (see the photo below).   It’s my heaven, to say the least.

While spending a day there on my own, walking, contemplating and releasing the stresses from Ontario, I had some major insights and personal healing.  The clearest one being that I am a Relaxation Therapist.  When that term came to me, it made so much sense.  I’ve been wondering what my next path was as a healer – did I need to go back to school? Was I to be a psychotherapist? A massage therapist? A yoga teacher? But relaxation therapist fits just right. I'm doing it already with the energy balancing sessions and intuitive guidance.
 

As a holistic healer, I never wanted to treat pain and illness, per se. I just wanted to help people grow in loving and caring for themselves and others.  I've found that in order for us to truly listen to ourselves and our hearts, we just can't be in a place of stress. When people get a chance to take a break and relax, they can let go of all defenses and allow themselves to feel and open up, sometimes for the first time, and get the spiritual issues they need.. 

As many doctors will attest, the source of many illnesses is stress and inflammation.  Stress, in my view, means we are out of alignment with who we are and we are making decisions from a place of pain, fear, desperation or survivalism. If we can move out of that place and re-connect to the calmness within, then we can start making traction towards a truly transformative life.

As a trauma survivor myself, I understand how stress can take over. I've had to find ways to manage my physical and emotional stress because of it. Physical and emotional safety are paramount and there is a need to honour that in the healing and relaxation process.

I believe that most people are stressed, especially in this modern world, but everyone has a different level of stress that is personal for them, depending on one's background and life experiences. We also each have our own unique stressors that can make or break us, and it is up to us to know this deeply about ourselves.

Some tell-tale signs of stress are:

• Trouble sleeping
• Digestive problems
• Depression and anxiety
• Getting wrapped up in other people’s business
• Nothing working properly
• Making poor choices
• Feeling angry or disheartened often
• Tense body

Are you noticing these signs for yourself?

I invite you on this journey of more relaxation with me. It could be the key to help you understand the issues on a deeper level. It’s the best way I feel I can help with bringing peace on earth.

You are welcome to book an in-person energy balancing session in Guelph or a distance session (via Zoom) to help you come more into ease and balance. Or a soul intuitive reading will offer you a higher and deeper perspective on how to live closer to your truth and deal with the relationship dynamics in your life, which is one of the major stressors we all face.  

I look forward to helping you chill out, offering great peace for you and all those around you.

with sincerity and hugs,
Heather

Integrity is of the Heart

Nowadays the words mindful, integrity and consciousness are tossed around in spiritual and personal growth circles.  These things have become catch words or concepts and can sometimes create a weird guilt if we are not perfect at it.  Yet what does any of it mean and how do you know when you are in or out of integrity?

Some say that it is a personal standard and that we suffer when we are not living up to that standard.  Others would say that it is just being aware.  For me, it’s all about the heart.  It is as simple as whether your heart contracts or expands. We know when we’ve betrayed our own knowing, or the values we hold dear in our actions or relationships.  We also know that we can’t change or fix another person or have them be in tune with a similar heart. So our integrity (or being unified within ourselves) is all about how we feel and judge ourselves. We are the ones who have to live with ourselves, feel the heaviness of guilt or hurt or shame.  In fact, if we are numb to those emotions, we have probably learned to shut that part of ourselves off because it hurts so much.  For me, and from the work I’ve done with intuitive soul coaching, I would say that this is the difference in living from the heart versus the ego. It has to do with a felt sense of what is loving, caring, feeling, respect, being honest with oneself and honouring others in the spirit of fairness. From the ego, it is about numbness, disconnection and pretending as if others don’t exist so it’s easy to not consider their presence or their needs. 

You know yourself best and you know what matters to you.  It will be different than what matters to me. Yet we can hold space for what is each other’s truth and path.

For example, I’m in integrity when I say I don’t want to have kids. That feels right in my heart. If I were to listen to others who have told me to have them and then I go ahead and doubt myself and decide to birth a child or two, I would actually be betraying myself and my own knowing. This will lead to misery and suffering for me and those around me. All because I didn’t listen to myself, and stay aligned with my own integrity.  My heart just knows that I’m not meant to have kids. Period. There are those who feel like it is right for them to have kids and are willing to go through and step up to that path. To go against it would lead to their suffering and the suffering of those around them.

So you see how important this is? And it’s also for the small stuff in our lives. What we eat, where we spend our time, the friendships we create.  It’s actually a daily practice to check in a see if there’s any area where you can be more in your honest truth.

Is there any area of your life where you are feeling out of alignment? Are you pretending to like something or go ahead with something even if your true feelings are telling you otherwise? It takes courage to be honest. Once you are, though, the doors will fly open and there will be a ton of support for you to go in that direction.  I truly believe that!

The Qualities of Friendship

This year is the year of the Dog, according to the Chinese Zodiac.  The dog is known as one of the most loyal animals to people. Some Buddhist Traditions believe that dogs who are companions to humans will attain automatic enlightenment after they die, not having to reincarnate – because they are the only animal on the earth that actually loves, adores and cherishes human beings.  They keep our hearts open and offer us unconditional love, even when we feel unlovable.   Isn’t this really what a true friend does?

Friendship is one of those aspects of life that make the journey enjoyable, warm and supportive.  It is something that we all yearn for and also can be so absent, because we each carry a unique place of aloneness within ourselves. 

How is it, though, that our friendships change as we journey through life? I’ve been meditating on this for the last year, as I’ve had challenging experiences with endings of friendships, and experiencing frenemies, while inviting in new friendships.  How does one identify a friend?  A true friend?

Here are some qualities that I have considered make a great friend:

1)      They have your best interests at heart. There is no competition. There is only a true desire for your happiness and well-being.

2)      You can share your vulnerabilities, fears and concerns with them, trusting they will not use that against you.

3)      They see your heart’s truth and don’t listen to other people’s opinions of you.  This isn’t blind love. Rather they see you, all that you are and all that you do. They don’t just take the facts of you such as your bank balance, your family dynamics, your past failures as indicators of how much they accept you. They see your courage, strength and challenges and admire you for that.

4)      You have shared interests. You feel inspired together – experience wonder and awe at life’s joys and mysteries. Whether you enjoy painting, travelling, eating awesome food, long walks, t.v. shows…you enjoy each other’s company and it makes life sparkle.

5)      They offer a compassionate and empathetic ear and can provide feedback and solutions for your life’s challenges. In essence, you feel supported and understood.

6)      They will also challenge you to become a better, healthier person who wants you to meet your potential. They won’t let you make excuses for yourself and they will push you towards your goals and dreams.

7)      They will honour your boundaries and won’t see it as rejection or criticism. They want you to be comfortable, at ease and feeling good in your life.  They will respect your needs and voice and limits. 

8)      You can communicate easily and naturally. No need for complexities, misunderstandings, or feeling constantly triggered.  You just get each other.

9) The most obvious quality is that you can relate. There is something about your lives that you share. Either something you have survived. Or you have a similar lifestyle. Or you have had shared experiences. Often times the greatest friendships are formed because of adversity or common struggles.

So what do you think? Is there anything you want to add to the list?  

No one person can ever meet all of these needs, but these qualities of friendship can be used to assess the level of friendliness wherever you are and whoever you interact with. 

How friendly is your workplace, what you do for entertainment, an intimate partner, your clothes, your food, a new friend?

Life is too short to be around unsupportive environments. 

See if you can assess your life based on this list and see how much friendliness you have.  

What needs to change if your life isn’t friendly?

Understanding what you want in your relationships

What if every relationship is here to teach you something? About yourself? It could be about growing in compassion, self-care, boundaries, personal standards. Regardless, they are here to teach you something.

What I have discovered from facilitating Soul Constellations sessions (work that looks at family and ancestral patterns) for over 7 years, is that we are all very interconnected and that relationship dynamics inform how we dance in the world.  

We each have lessons around love, assertiveness, getting our needs met, acceptance and compassion for our human frailties.  And it begins at home, whether we like it or not. 

Relationships are about fluidity. There are no timelines or cookie cutter guarantees. They "succeed", "fail" and "transform" all the time.

I have had a few “failed” relationships in my life.  Yes, I went through the process of shame and self-blame, feeling like there is something wrong with me with each ending.  I didn't like that some of them became icky and conflict-driven. I wished some of them could have ended on a healthier note. Yet, that's why some relationships just have to stop. Because they don't work and they hurt.

I grew up in a divorced home, and before divorce became common, I was of the households where people thought I was a broken person because of it.  My parents divorcing was the healthiest move they could have made. But there was still a hidden stigma about it that carried over into my self-esteem, where I believed that I was undeserving of healthy, functional love and relationships . 

My parents never fully healed that experience. They still hold hurt feelings, blame, and regret. It is tragic and they have wasted a lot of years on unresolved emotional pain.

What was revealed at this past weekend’s Soul Constellations gathering was that my parents just failed at understanding each other.  There was confusion in their relationship about what the other wanted, so it created unmet needs, false expectations and verbal fighting. No one was truly at fault for the ending, other than not being able to really listen and accept who the other person was, without judgment, and make a decision if the relationship would be good and healthy for them individually.  

That’s true relationship empowerment – when we know what we want, communicate with another to see if you're on the same page, then get moving on it as a couple. 

If I were to look back at the relationships I still feel angsty about, the ones that still have a negative emotional connection to them and ended poorly with conflict or hurt, I can see that what was really happening was that we could not fundamentally understand the other. Whether that be through generational, cultural, gender, life paths or political differences. We just couldn’t breakthrough and find that tender place that would make our hearts open to each other.  

I am grateful for those opportunities to understand another and the differences in lifestyle, perspectives and their life journey.  They just could not be compatible with my life, goals, unique self and need for well-being, nor could I be with them.

I have been in two long-term relationships before meeting my current fiancé. The marked difference in this one is the natural trust, ease, and support that we give each other.  We can chat forever, be there through the emotional healing, and encourage the best to come out. Because we love and see each other’s hearts. We have compatible viewpoints. In simple essence: we relate.  We are not perfect in body, finances, family dynamics. But we get each other without question. Yes, the relationship will transform. And it will have an ending in physical death. But the feeling of knowing and love that is exchanged is there.

It has taken a whole healing journey for me to really feel comfortable in my own skin.  

I have been in mismatched relationships, relationships that weren’t clean and honest, abusive dynamics, relationships where I lost myself in order to be somebody I was not, trying to fit into their mold in order to be loved and appreciated.  

The inner work, healing and connection to my core values and truth, have been an important piece on this path.  Some things I came to realize about myself and the relationships I want in my life were the following:  I need affection. I need to be with people who still believe in love. I need to be with those who appreciate artistic expression. I need to be with those who are open to spiritual experiences. I need to be with people who are empathetic and are fine with emotional connection.  I need to be with people who want to know me and be there.  I need to be with people who want to become more caring, aware and healthy.

You see, these were my missing pieces in my family of origin. So I had to re-train myself to know that what I yearn for is exactly what I need to create in my closest relationships.

It’s not easy, as there are always layers and layers to ourselves, our dynamics and who we are.  Yet doing the work truly leads to the rewards in who we let into our lives, hearts, bodies and spirits.

What do you want in your relationships? What do you need to feel loved? Are you getting this now? Why or why not?

Orphan Shame & Self-compassion

Recently I did a personal growth piece that showed me a shame layer that I had tucked away in my consciousness.  When I was 8 years old, I came back to Canada with my sister (my mother and stepfather stayed behind) from living 3 years in Jamaica.  

We had survived a robbery while we were living there and within days, we were sent back home.  My sister and I lived with my aunts and uncles for about 6 months as we tried to normalize life.  I was relieved. I didn’t like living in Jamaica. I felt the abuse, oppression and violence there, which really was the history of slavery, and it was ripe in the cultural pain.  I also was an outsider as a privileged racial minority, and could feel the resentments and weird treatment from people around me. There was very little compassion and empathy coming my way, which I understand in the bigger scheme of racial oppression. However, as a child, it created the suffering of social isolation and exclusion for me.   

I also didn’t like the school system that used the belt to punish kids. I wanted to be back in Canada in a gentler school system where you could play, have a fun at recess and get to know other kids easily without the tensions of race and class.

As much as I wanted to be back in Canada, I also wanted my mom with me, which is natural.  It was unknown when she would return and join us. As weeks passed, my heart retracted and I had to soothe myself to sleep. No one around me, except my sister, knew my pain.   I was now the weird cousin who had a Jamaican accent who had no parents around her.  My aunts and uncles did everything to create stability for us.  I enjoyed the familiar surroundings.  

At the time, my mother was considering staying in Jamaica, having our aunts and uncles raise us.  I picked up on the adults’ concerns and messages around me. “Poor Heather”, “She doesn’t have any parents”, “What’s going to happen to her?”. 

For most of my life I internalized this message of “poor Heather” and I believed there was something wrong with me because I was so different than everyone else. I was deficient. I must have been so unlovable to have no parents who wanted to care for me.  It’s no wonder that my favourite movie at the time was Little Orphan Annie.  I identified so strongly with her character. I was an orphan with parents who were still alive and were still deemed as my caregivers.  I took in the shame that my mother, father and stepfather should have been carrying.  I believed that I deserved to be rejected and have no one care to come for me. 

When the truth of it is that I had bad parents. Adults who couldn’t care less to become better people. They were immature people. Escape artists who dumped their problems for other people to handle. They just wanted what they wanted. I was a burden in their eyes and too heavy for them to carry.

For most of my life, I’ve felt like the odd duck around families that functioned well, stayed together and showed normalcy. There was a sense that I could never get it together and I was the broken person. By recognizing that I have worth, I am strong for going through this and still have my heart in tact, I can see my goodness.  I am loveable even though I didn’t have people who had my back.  I belong to humanity, regardless of how I was treated.

Better yet, there are blessings in walking as the orphan. I am someone who isn’t afraid to be different. There is an inner strength in me that knows how to soothe myself and to not succumb to peer or family pressure to be a certain way. The only healing I have to do is face the loneliness that not having parents created in me, and to know that I deserve people around me who care, are empathetic and want to see me and know me. People who actually miss me. It has also made me highly compassionate for the people who feel different and unlovable, the outsiders of their family system.

Shame has so much to teach us. Often times it is usually an illusion and something that has been wrongfully put on us from a young age.  It lacks compassion and ease and keeps us separated from the world, telling us we are bad and deficient and beyond repair.  It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where we behave in ways that keep making this happen.

Here is an exercise that may help you tap into and find some resolution with areas where you may feel shame.  As a point to remember, shame is any area where we feel inherently bad, defective, wrong or weird.  

Get a journal to write down your answers to the following:

1) Identify a time in your life now where you feel lonely, misunderstood, hurt or rejected.

2) When was there a time in your life when you were younger where you felt the same way?  What happened? 

3) Meditate on that younger version of yourself.  What did he/she need or want? Why did she feel so wrong or ashamed? What was really happening in your life at that time?

4) Write a compassionate letter to that younger part of yourself, reassuring him or her that no matter what happened, she/he is still lovable and wanted and needed in this world. Offer a new perspective of what's really going on. Really find out what you decided about yourself and life.  

5) Reflect on how your younger self's experiences have impacted your reality now.  What are new decisions or beliefs you can make for yourself?

5) Take time to feel your feelings either by spending time on your own or asking a friend to be there for you. Your feelings matter and you deserve to have love and compassion in your life.

I would love to help you through any illusions of shame you may be carrying, where you can make new choices and decisions that allow you to step into your truth, personal happiness and feelings of self-compassion. I am someone who holds no judgment towards how you have had to cope or manage in your life.  Through my experience, tools and compassion I can guide you into healthier love and self-acceptance, bringing a deeper sense of who you are and a more enriching life.  

You can book a FREE "Be Your Own Best Friend" Session at: www.blossomingheart.ca  

Extracting the Wisdom from 2017

Every December, I look back on what happened, what worked, what didn’t, what hurt and what dreams are still lingering in my heart and who were the most influential people in our lives (positive and negative). 

I will usually find three words to describe the year, so I can sort through what it was all about.  For me, 2017 was about:  Courage, Boundary-setting and Equality.  

This year I turned 40 years old, I got engaged for the first time in my life and we moved in together, I initiated a new business called The Child-free Heart, wrote a romance novel, did deep healing around traumas and childhood issues, let go of people and situations who no longer served my heart and spirit, and did a Bellydancing recital to celebrate my middle-aged body, sexuality and inner child’s love of dancing. I can’t say it’s been an easy year, but I’d say it has been a year of healing and emergence.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, or nothing at all, we can probably all relate with the reality that there is a sense of closure in the month of December. 

The holidays then can come with a feeling of celebration and gratitude for each other, so we can start anew.

I invite you to try this process of self-reflection so you can extract the wisdom and find closure.  Here are some questions to consider:

1)      What were my achievements this year?

2)      What were the most meaningful events that happened?

3)      What were the things that caused me joy?

4)      What were the things that caused me pain?

5)      What did I learn about myself and others this past year?

6)      What dreams didn’t come true?

7)      What do I need to let go of?

8)      Who were the true friends or supportive people in my life? What made them good people for me?

9)      Who were the difficult people in my life? What did they have to teach me?

10)   What wounds do I still carry with me?

11)   What do I feel I “failed” at?

12)   What are new understandings I have about my life?

Yes, these may seem like intense questions, but they really get you into the heart of the matter of the areas of your life that you are growing into and away from.  To have true peace, we need to be emotionally honest and know ourselves deeply.  If we don’t, we create more suffering in ourselves and our lives. 

I’d love to hear from you about what 2017 was like for you.

If you would like a Month-by-Month Soul Reading for 2018 so you can see what layers and wisdom you are needing to address in your life and relationships, giving you a higher perspective, I am offering them now until the end of January. 

Sending you lots of love and peace and blessings!

Two Years Later: The Hidden Challenges with The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca

It’s been 2 years since the launch of the children’s book, The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca, that I wrote and self-published. The story is about a woman named Reyna I met and befriended years ago while I was living in Oaxaca City, Mexico.  She is visually impaired, since birth, from a genetic defect that her father had.  In order to survive, her father played accordion as a way to make money on the streets. There are no social programs for people with disabilities in Mexico, and most people have to endure this kind of life in a state of poverty, unless they have other family members who can care for them. 

At a young age, a man pursued Reyna and made false promises.  She ended up getting pregnant with her one and only child, Sabina.  In a Catholic and patriarchal culture, this would have been seen as a major social stigma.

Instead of giving up, instead of going into bitterness, Reyna chose to be a role model to her daughter instead, to show her there are more possibilities than meets the eye, literally and figuratively.  Reyna decided that she wanted to learn English as a Second Language, much to her parents’ disapproval. They couldn’t understand why she would waste her time getting an education. But Reyna persisted.

In Oaxaca, they value democratic education greatly. They offer free or low-cost education to its citizens.  Reyna took advantage of these programs. At the Infantil Esperanza, the organization for street children where I met Reyna, they funded the translation of her textbooks into braille and aligned her with volunteers, like myself, who could help her learn English through conversation. Reyna’s commitment to learning, toting this huge textbook around with her, while having her daughter in tow and walking without sight, was beyond inspiring.  She automatically made friends with foreigners so she could expand her understanding of the world, while also having the possibility of people who could offer financial support in some way. She never begged, nor did she ask. One just couldn’t help but fall in love with her and her courage and just want to see her succeed and do well. 

The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca was my answer to help Reyna, because I am someone who doesn’t make a stable or large income as an entrepreneur and artist.

I thought that this project would be easy to deliver and it had the potential to be widely successful – not in a grandiose way, but in a way that would touch people’s hearts and raise awareness of the issues in Mexico and Reyna’s path as a leader.

I had visions of Reyna being a role model both in Canada and Mexico for people living with disabilities.

This book was also my way of intertwining the feminine quality of Mexico – which is seriously bruised and battered – and present the sensuality and soul of the culture so others could be touched and moved to preserve it. I wanted people here to feel the magic of Oaxaca City, from what I experienced, as one of the divine and thriving centres in Mexico, where art, music, social change and cultural preservation were revealing itself.

I wanted to make a difference for the children who lived close to the streets in Mexico, where they were abandoned because of their parents wanting to make a better life in the U.S. or they had to do migrant labour.  Poverty breeds so many problems and no one can really be blamed for how they earn their living there.  It’s a sick system on all class levels. Regardless, I still saw hope in the most vulnerable kids having a brighter future, a different outcome than what was expected of them –the army, the drug trade or prostitution were some of the only options. 

My dream has been that the book would be published in braille and Spanish and it would be distributed in Oaxaca City.

My Canadian, liberal-minded self wanted to see this project make some profound waves. But I had to check my cultural arrogance.  I had to think first and foremost of Reyna’s well-being and get real.  Sadly, kidnappers and thugs linger heavily in the background of Mexico.  Even since I was last there, there has been a rise of kidnappings of regular storekeepers and average citizens, because drug dealers are getting desperate.  I became very aware, as I was making big plans for the book, that if some people know that Reyna is connected to a foreign woman, then her and her daughter’s life could be in harm’s way. My life could be in harm’s way if I travelled back there.

Isn’t this so sad? A simple children’s book, meant to open the hearts of kids and parents alike, to make a difference in the world, has to have a certain level of hiding because of the darkness and corruption that exists in the world?  Yet, I understand, deeply, the state of affairs in Mexico. I can’t even blame the drug dealers – they were once kids who were abandoned and left for dead when they were young. They, too, are caught in a horrible world, where they never had the benefits of dreaming and imagining a different life. They have lost touch with their sensuality and gentleness. They only know desperation and greed and violent ways.

I have to trust that what I’ve done so far with the book – distributing 200 copies and sending money to the Organization for Streetchildren and to Reyna – will make a difference. That it will have some kind of ripple effect in the lives and consciousness of the world. Where the child’s heart of Mexico will eventually return to a good place within each person. Where parents and children alike are given a fair chance at a better way of life.