What You Can Do When You Feel Out of Control

At a fundamental level, when you feel stressed it is because you feel out of control. There are so many circumstances in the outer world that can make you tense, anxious, depressed or even sick. Whether it be another person’s crisis, or political turmoil or traffic jams or environmental toxins – these are situations we can’t really control in the moment and can put us from a calm mood to an outright distressed state within minutes.

During these times, all you have control over is what you do with your body.  Your mind may go in a thousand directions, trying to find solutions or assess the circumstances. Your emotions might go through a roller coaster. Your spirit may want to jump out of you.

Your body is the one gateway to staying grounded and calm and centred and well in any circumstance. Throughout life this is the one thing you have control over – what you allow and around your body.

When you feel out of control, try connecting with your body in some way.  Here are a few examples:

1)      Take 5 deep breaths into and out of your belly

2)      Choose to sit and meditate

3)      Drink a glass of water

4)      Eat something healthy

5)      Exercise

6)      Leave your environment

7)      Go to an environment that you love

8)      Do some stretches

9)      Take a nap

10)   Have a shower (cold if you want to be invigorated; hot if you want to relax)

11)   Get some body work done such as a massage, reflexology or energy healing are good options

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For long-term wellness and calmness, it is best to take care of your body on a daily basis. Your needs are different than another person's wellness needs and lifestyle. It is important to know what your specific needs are to maintain a balanced body so you can handle whatever stressors come your way. 

If you want to make 2019 one of less stress, more ease and accomplishing goals that are truly good for you and your wellness, then book a free 30-minute “Get to the Root of the Problem” Breakthrough Session with me. I have a proven process that help you understand what you truly need to move through your barriers to happiness, inner balance and success.

You are the Gift

Our focus on buying material presents can overtake us at this time of year. We can get scattered and tired out because of the pressures to get it all in and make sure we don’t forget anyone.  The one person we often forget is ourselves.  The truth is the greatest gift you can give someone is you. Your presence of love, compassion, support, service, listening, calmness, laughter, and time.

Even if it’s just a thank you to the cashier in the checkout line, or a happy face on the napkin for the server, or spending time with a friend who doesn’t have family, you are offering the true spiritual gifts of the holidays that spreads true joy and love, bringing more joy and love back to you. That’s how karma and dharma truly work.

Though material objects and gifts can also be infused with a lot of love, meaning and connection, please don’t forget about your state of being and mind this season. Your presence is truly the best present.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself for this season:

1)      What spiritual trait do I want to embody this season? (e.g. generosity, love, peace, care, thoughtfulness, etc.)

2)      Spend 10 minutes in the morning meditating on that trait

3)      Consciously act out that trait with 3 people you meet in the day

4)      Reflect for 10 minutes in a journal of what happened that day as you showed up with that presence

See if you can take this exercise right up until New Year’s Day and see how it affects those around you.

It is possible to change the world, one intention at a time.

With blessings,

Heather

Give Cuz You Wanna

Each of us comes from different backgrounds and traditions around gift-giving.

Some people’s families do joke gifts, others do fancy dinners, others have a certain dollar value that’s expected, and others do nothing at all.  During this time, if you are different than your family’s values, it can bring up a whole host of self-worth issues as you end up feeling like you “fail” in the eyes of your family’s standards. And then it creates a sense of being excluded from the family.

I will give you an example of my own dynamic with our family’s tradition of Christmas.

Growing up, I was into recycling, second-hand things, meaningful gifts and handmade presents.  I just naturally knew the wastefulness of Christmas presents. I would use newspaper to wrap gifts, I would write stories and give them to family members, or I would make bath salts and put them into mason jars. Cute, right? Well, I was teased for it. They thought I was doing it because I didn’t have money. Which I didn’t have a lot of money but that wasn’t the reason. I was doing it because I put special thought into something they would like and I cared about the Earth and its creatures -- which seemed to be what the Spirit of Christmas was meant to be.

Over time, I began to dread Christmas because it made me feel like no matter what I did or gave, it was seen as “not good enough”, that I was somehow “too poor” to participate in Christmas exchanges. So I retracted from holiday invites and also from family functions because I didn’t make a certain amount of money.

Nowadays they would call what I did “upcycling” or “eco-gifting” or “crafting”. It is now an urban hipster thing to make your own bath bombs, or to personalize gifts with a handwritten note, and to wrap everything in hemp cloth or newspapers.  I’d like to say that the world is catching up to my trendsetting ways (wink!).

Throughout my work, I’ve learned about the powerful force of belonging. Therapists, abuse counsellors and addictions counsellors have understood this concept deeply. The need to belong is a fundamental desire and need – so much so that people will sacrifice their own safety, happiness and well-being in order to fit in. 

So many of us do this (myself included) during this holiday time – putting ourselves into debt just to participate in the greater collective pressure to give despite our limits.

So what is the solution?

In order to stay balanced, a key part is staying in our own integrity and value system. Otherwise stress kicks in.

Here’s a simple exercise to help you be true to yourself during this time of gift-giving:

1)      Write down three things your family expects of you with gift-giving – just so you are aware of their expectations and pressure.

2)      Write down three values you have with giving. Such as: eco-friendly, elegant, meaningful, delicious, funny, spiritual, etc.

3)       Then write down a list of the people you WANT to give to, and another list of people you NEED to give to – just so you can really identify how much heart energy you should put into each person. 

4)      You want to put more of your energy, time, money and focus for the list of people you want to give to. These are the people you love. Beside their names, write one word of how you would describe them, then write three things you think they are interested in or a shared memory.  Then using your 3 values you wrote above, brainstorm 4 or 5 ideas of what to get them within your budget.

5)      For the people you NEED to give to, buy or make items on a mass scale that fits into 2 out of 3 of your value system. For example, if your values for gift-giving are funny, eco-friendly and heart-felt, then you might want to get or make in bulk something like snowmen dryerballs or heart-shaped bath bombs.  This saves you time because it’s bulk, it’s in your value system, it’s unique to you and people will get a gift within your means.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you and what ideas you come up with!  Happy gift-giving from your heart!

ox,

Heather

www.BlossomingHeart.ca

Grow Into Who You Are Meant to Be

Honesty Can Heal & Transform

As I was in Saskatchewan last week, I learned a lot about the need for Truth and Reconciliation between Indigenous Peoples and Settlers. It is required to restore integrity in our nation, to have peaceful relations and to integrate the cultures in a way that respects and honours each other. The truth is that Settlers betrayed our agreement with Indigenous Communities even though we signed various Treaties. It was trickery and an absolute betrayal.  Many Settler communities have no idea how to right these wrongs. We are at a loss for what can help versus what will add to the problems.

I believe the first step is to just get honest. Our ancestors betrayed Indigenous Peoples and those of us who are living in a modern and urban world are benefitting from that through our lifestyle and privileges, while many First Nations Reservations are living in abject conditions. Guilt and Shame are not helpful. 

When you think about times when you know that someone hasn't owned their hurt or betrayal of you, doesn't it feel great when they finally acknowledge it? 

Now, I'm not talking about radical honesty. Honesty is meant to be shared with wisdom and right timing. Honesty can sometimes make it worse for everyone and everything if done without sensitivity or higher awareness of whether it's safe to do so.  If you feel there is going to be harm to yourself or others because of your honesty, then it is best to stay quiet and only confide in those you know would be safe, compassionate and understanding. 
Honesty requires us to know ourselves intimately. We need to ask ourselves deeper questions about what we like and don't like, who we really are, and what we truly care about. When we are honest with ourselves, then we can honest with others and have real relationships. 

 If we try to be something we are not, or to degrade ourselves, it is considered to be a sacred betrayal. 

We are here to accept who we are and to share that with others. Then doors of friendship can open. When we compare ourselves to others, we hurt our hearts. When we stay in false relationships, our soul dies. When we live a pretend life, we cause destruction through our addictions or bad habits. 

What do you have to get honest about in yourself and your life? 

Honesty is what allows for the dialogue to open up. Owning our ancestors' part so we can take responsibility and move forward with a sense of humility and maturity adds so much to creating bridges, possibilities, fairness and a peaceful society.  Without it, the tensions increase and the guilt and denial becomes too much to bear.

You are Loveable

What many don’t know about me is I have had a life-long journey with having to overcome feelings of self-hate and self-destruction.  It has come from various childhood experiences of being abandoned, carrying shame as a child of divorce so not having the grounding of family, and put in unsafe and life-threatening situations which made me feel disposable.  What kept me going were various role models in life, spiritual teachings and believing in my heart that I do matter. My own personal healing journey within has made me feel compassion for myself and so compassion for others in a way that not many are able to. 

I get suicidal depression, I get heartache, I get feeling lost and full of self-doubt, I get feeling alone and isolated. I get feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. I’ve been there. And I know every other person has, too, in one way or another.

One of the beautiful gifts of opening up to a spiritual path and healing, is the way of seeing and the mystical experiences that happen.

I have had various divine messages and interventions that have come to me in times of need.  One came loud and clear while I was on the plane to Regina, Saskatchewan.  In meditation, I was asking Spirit what it is that I need to know.  The message came back: “You are Loveable.”  I nearly burst into tears. It healed my heart from the anxieties that I have been feeling from the world, and relationship conflicts within my family of origin.  Remembering that I am loveable aligned my heart yet again. I deserve to receive that truth and so do you.  Wherever you are, whatever has happened to you, however low you are feeling, please tune into the truth that you are loveable.

If you feel you need to heal your heart from hurt, loss or difficult relationships, please book a FREE Initial Heart-to-Heart Session. I would love to see you be released of the pain so you don’t carry the emotional weights of anger and resentment into your life. You deserve to fall in love with life again.

With hugs and healing,

Heather

P.S.  This message has also inspired me to write a book of the same title, to help those who have been through hell but still believe in love, to receive the blessings of divine messages and presence.  The words are flowing and I can’t wait to get it written and published in e-book format. I’ll keep you posted!

What Saskatchewan Has Taught Me

Right now I’m in Saskatchewan – a province in Canada that many think is boring and dull because it has a flat landscape.  For me, it’s anything but that. It has clean air, people are relaxed, there’s a simplicity to life and such open space that it is possible to have an open and creative mind. I am staying in downtown Regina right now, and have had a marvelous time. Yoga every day, meeting people at the local eco-cafes and walking in the sunshine, just like many others are. Life West of Ontario is unique and always leads to a breath of fresh air for me.  Though Saskatchewan has many social and economic problems, it has a richness beneath the surface – a sense of possibility and new horizons that allow the soul to open and fly into the sky. 

I feel generally happy here. It reminds me of what my home town of Guelph used to be before it was named one of the best places to life in Canada. Aside from the amazing win of the one and only Green Party seat in the province of Ontario that tells me there still are people who care about the environment, Guelph has become more modernized and Toronto-ized. It just isn’t the same.

I contemplated and dialogued with my groom-to-be, Ted, about the difference between Guelph and Regina in my outlook and state of mind. What became quickly apparent is that here I feel connected again – to the Earth, to people, to the outdoors, to the yoga studio. It seems there could be a consistency of community that Guelph used to have. People here seem to still trust each other and aren’t too busy to give a “hello” and share some stories.  Life is slower which means it can be more heart-felt and mindful. Now I get I’m on the vacationer’s high, but it got me thinking about the importance of community and connection. Without it, life feels lonely, depressing, meaningless and unsupportive. Yet the challenge is finding the right community – the one where there is compassion and understanding and wants you to come alive and express yourself in the way you’re meant to be.

Some find community through their workplaces, others through their art form of writing, music, theatre, etc. Others will find it through their illnesses or difficulties in support groups. And some will find it through interests like birding, yoga, or travelling. 

I’ve been in communities that don’t work for me at all. Communities of activists, farmers, or neighborhoods that I didn’t feel safe in. 

You could say I’ve been on the hunt for finding the right fit of community, yet what I’m discovering is that community shifts and changes depending on who I feel I am at the time, in my truest essence. When I identified as an artsy Torontonian, then I found other artsy Torontonians. When I identified as a spiritualist, I found other spiritualists. All were facets of who I am, in some way. But it has never been the full breadth of me. What I’m discovering is that I belong to various pockets of communities.

I am a writer, I’m a person who strives to live a spiritual and creative life, I’m a minimalist, I’m an entrepreneur, I’m an intuitive, I’m a compassionate person, I’m a woman, and I’m a healer.  I’m also a survivor of various experiences. All of those aspects of myself need support and need a community that works for me. My challenge is to find the communities that can meet most of my needs so my full self can blossom. 

For me to fulfill my community needs, I need to ask myself the following questions:

·   -Where am I and what do I need in my life right now? 
-Where am I going in my life? 
-What do I want to cultivate more of in my life?

For example, right now I’m a woman interested in feminine spirituality who wants to write a transformational book, do speaking events and help people tune into themselves.  I need support to help me write my book, learn how to present and book speaking events and how to make a successful venture serving clients I love.  I also need to be around others who want to grow spiritually and have a simple and well life.

Where I’m going is to book speaking events and workshops across the West, live according to my eco-values, and have a healthy body and mind.

I want to cultivate a simpler life of spirituality and well-being, develop my writing practice and skills, and learn more about how to make it as a speaker. 

So, given all of this, the kinds of communities that could support me are:

·         -Yoga & meditation community

·         -Community

·         -Toastmasters

·         -Women Writers’ Communities

·         -Entrepreneur Groups

Neat, eh?

So I invite you to do the same for your life.  Ask yourself the 3 questions:

·        - Where am I and what do I need in my life right now?

·        - Where do I want to go in my life?

·        - What do I want to cultivate more of in my life?

Then make a list of the communities you can connect to in-person and online.  Pick one of those communities that you can start putting your time and energy into and see what happens. You will be pleasantly surprised at what shows up in your life.

We all need community to flourish – that is what life is all about. Without it you go invisible and you get lost.  Make your roots happen in your life. And you will feel your heart expand in the world:)

Get Honest

Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.

-Lao Tzu

Honesty—one of those wonderful traits we all hear about. Many of us strive for it. We end up telling the “truth” to others, not wanting to lie or be seen as a liar.  But how many times are we lying to ourselves in order to please others?

Getting honest is not easy. Often we just go along with others and our lives become routine. We don’t take that step back and say “hmmm….do I really like coffee? Or do I just do it because the world tells me I should?”.  These small ways that we accept what’s in front of us without question can actual damage our self-esteem and our health.  Then there are the big ways we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves that the relationship we are in “isn’t that bad” or that our job “could be worse”.  When we lie to our hearts, we end up depleted in energy and even deceiving others or we get deceived. It just doesn’t work out well in the end, from my experience. 

Getting honest with ourselves requires a re-wiring of how we see and relate with the world. It takes work to really ask ourselves: “Do I like this? Do I agree with this? Is this what I want?”. That’s why I say that getting honest needs to start small before we work up to the bigger questions. 

A great practice, even for the next week is to pick one small thing a day you do and ask yourself one of the questions that applies: “Do I like this? Do I agree with this? Is this what I want?”  Now you may think you can’t do anything about doing dishes, for example. But if you get honest, you might be able to find solutions – perhaps you could just use one mug, one set of cutlery and one plate/bowl a day so you don’t have to do a ton of dishes. Or you could get a dishwasher. Or you could negotiate it with your family members or housemates.  My point is, if you got honest about the small things, you could find solutions to your challenges. Or at least just be honest that you don’t like it, even while you do it, so you are aware of your preferences.

After doing this daily practice for a work or two, then you might want to start getting honest about other areas of your life. The kind of work you do, activities you do with friends, etc.  This year I had to get honest that I really don’t like event organizing. I love facilitating, but not organizing the details. So I have now changed my offerings to workshops that others can host if they want me to come to them (click here if you want to be a host…wink wink).  

As your muscle builds, then you can get honest about the big questions. “Do I like my marriage?” “Do I like my career?” “How am I really feeling about my kids and being a parent.”  These are the taboo questions that most people avoid because it means change. The cost of not getting honest is huge, though. Affairs, getting laid off unexpectedly then feeling resentful, missing out on difficult conversations with your children that could lead to more authentic relating, etc. 

The next level is tuning in at all times with your emotions and owning them. Inquiring into what they are trying to tell you and to act from that place. It’s not easy to do but it is so important for balance and well-being.

The cost of lying to ourselves also means we lose our centre of peace and our soul. We end up with an empty experience of life rather than a satisfied and joy-filled experience.  Though there may be a short-term pay-off there are long-term consequences.

If you would like to grow in more emotional awareness and heart-centred living so you can move from a feeling drained and dissatisfied to nourished and energized, book a FREE Initial “Heart-to-Heart” Session to explore if I can support you.

Love is in the "No"

Quite a few years ago, there was a spiritual movement out there that encouraged you to say “yes” to all opportunities, invitations and synchronicities, believing it will open you up to a world of adventures, synchronicities and form a different understanding of how the Universe works.  Though it can be a good technique to get you out of your comfort zones, I believe it isn’t the way to go. There is actually a lot of spirituality in the word “No”.

I tried this “yes” movement out for a bit myself, and quite honestly, it became exhausting, scattering and I followed roads that led to nowhere in the way of personal satisfaction. Not to mention, it really isn’t safe to say yes to everyone or everything.

As a caring person and peacemaker type, someone who over-gives, trusts too quickly and overcommits, I have had to actually learn how to say “no”, without apologizing or feeling guilty. It isn’t easy to do, but it’s so important to do in order to have a satisfying and balanced life.

I get that it can be hard to decide when to say “no” when your inclination is to always say “yes”, without becoming rigid and self-centred (what every caring person dreads to be). 

Here’s the flip side: “have you ever thought that saying no because it doesn’t feel right or it will lead to your suffering invites the opportunity for that person to find someone else who they need to connect to? Or they will find a creative solution that opens doors for them in a different direction?”  Now I’m not saying you should say “no” to someone in immediate need – that’s just being heartless. I’m saying that you need to find that “no” within you out of a place of self-care and self-preservation, where you know your limits.  When you know your limits then you can open up to grounded possibilities. 

You see, you are not here to rescue or save everyone. You are here to give and receive and love and grow and find a centre of peace and compassion within yourself. You are here to enjoy your life, too.

I find there are a whole lot of my clients who look at me when I suggest they say “no” to someone or a circumstance, as if to say “well, if I say no, doesn’t that make me a bad friend or person?”

“Absolutely not!” I reply. True friends understand and respect your yes and your no. They want to see you happy and they would want you to be honest with them rather than doing something out of obligation. True friends understand the importance of give and take, and healthy self-care. They accept us for our limits, our anxieties and our own desires. 

But what about saying no to opportunities – isn’t that something you just shouldn’t do? Like looking into the gaze of success and saying “Na, I’d rather sleep in, thanks.”  Well, of course, it depends on the opportunity. If it’s the gig you have been waiting your whole life for, then go for it, no matter if it seems like the dishes won’t get done. But if you have a whole lot on your plate and an opportunity comes your way, it’s quite possible it’s not the opportunity for you. Adding something else to your plate will cause you more suffering, and it may actually distract you from completing what you have already set out to do. If the opportunity comes at poor timing, then chances are, it’s not meant to be. Something else will come along that will be better for you.

You see, it’s all about following what energizes you rather than depletes you. Saying no can actually give you more energy, while saying yes could actually drain you.  As a simple example, saying “no” to sugar is actually a good thing.

When you find yourself having to make a decision, tune into your body and your emotions and ask yourself – does this idea feel energizing or heavy?  Do I feel tired just at the thought of it? Or does it open me up? 

It is quite possible that your “no” can be the most self-honouring and empowered thing you can do.  And it could actually bless another to get the help and support they really need. Truly, I believe, “No” can be a loving word.

You have all the answers within you. You just need to learn to listen. If you want to grow in more self-care and re-vitalize your life, then please book a FREE Initial Heart-to-Heart Session so we can explore your needs and if I can support you.

Move from Should-ing to Self-Acceptance

Lately in my sessions and personal life, I’ve been noticing the same message coming through – totally and utterly accept yourself.  It sounds so easy but it’s really hard to do.

Accepting yourself doesn’t mean making excuses and just being lazy about your life. Instead, accepting yourself means taking the pressure off the gas pedal and easing up the critical voice that tells you that you need to do more and be more or be different.  It usually comes from the dreaded gremlin of comparing oneself with others, saying you should do this or be that, otherwise you will be left behind.

There is magic that happens when I share with clients the powerful phrase: “let’s give permission for you to totally accept this part of you and let’s find out the beauty of who you are in it.”  

When I say this, clients’ shoulders drop and they take a deep breath in and out, realizing how much they were trying to be something they are not. 

We journey into discovering so much about themselves: “bad” habits and all – and find out what is really going on beneath the surface of resistance and procrastination and unfulfilling ways of living.  We end up discovering that the person doesn’t do the dishes every day because they actually feel unhappy in their home and relationship and instead would prefer to go out to the mall to shop instead of doing the dishes. We then unpack what’s happening in that relationship and we discover that perhaps it’s not a bad relationship after all but rather they don’t do enough fun things out of the house together.  The balance of doing housework would come in, if they had time to do fun stuff out of the house.

Neat, eh? No shame. No judgment. No pushing. Just acceptance.

I believe that most of our habits and avoidances come from trying to fit into boxes we aren’t meant to be in or learned beliefs about ourselves that we developed in our childhood, and this is what creates our suffering. It makes us do things, say things or live a certain way that causes us tension and stress.  We do it from the “should and shouldn’t” mindset.  I should want a car. I should get more done in the day. I should get married. I should workout at the gym three times a week.  I shouldn’t swear. I shouldn’t have conflict because I’m spiritual. I shouldn’t say no to my mother.

Whenever we should or shouldn’t ourselves, we build a tyrant in our mind and become subconsciously  self-punishing.

“But how will I ever improve my life or get anything done, Heather?! I can’t just accept myself, warts and all. I’ll just be a blob on the couch if I do,” I’ve heard people say to me.

I beg to differ. I reply with: “Why not ask yourself:  What am I not accepting about myself (my body, my nature, my perspective, my preferences, my interests)? What would I prefer? What works better for me?” When you start asking yourself what you want, your whole being will start singing with joy. It will breathe saying “ah…you’re finally listening to me!” By not pushing or pressuring yourself, you will find creative solutions to your problems, you will re-gain balance in your life and learn how to assert yourself to others with the simple phrase: “that just doesn’t work for me.”

It is remarkable what happens when we embrace all of who we are, without shame, hiding or explaining ourselves. 

When I did this in my life, it helped me open new doors to experiences and discoveries.  I learned how to bellydance because I was curious and ended up at a pretty neat recital. Then I stopped because I realized it wasn’t totally for me – I needed more spontaneity in my dancing. I took Spanish courses and travelled through Mexico even though everyone thought I was crazy.  I embraced the side of me that is a minimalist despite coming from a family of shoppers and people who like to buy stuff.  I value being eco-consciousness and contributing to social change so I buy most of my clothes from second-hand stores. And I do it with joy, not from a mindset that I’m poor. It becomes a type of adventure for me.  I used to be a party girl in my 20s and realized I was only doing it because everyone else was and my family trained me to be this way.  My truth is that I like more quiet and calm, and introspective activities like reading and writing. And the list goes on.

When I didn’t listen to myself and accept myself, it led me down the path of wasted time and money.  I tried to fit myself into the image of what someone else wanted me to be.  I became a hair and bridal model in my teens (for real!) because I idolized someone in Elle magazine, and wanted to be like her. I took a year-long course that made my whole body feel stressed out because someone told me it would be a good thing to get for my professional reputation.  I took a four-year marketing degree because my boyfriend at the time thought it would be a good idea, even though all I wanted to do was learn how to write. I ended up with a massive student loan and a degree that gave me work I hated.

We do this all the time to ourselves – shoulding ourselves into who we are supposed to be rather than who we are in our bodies, hearts, minds and spirits.  If we could just relax into who we are naturally, follow our interests, listen to our own rhythm, tune into that part of us that desires something different or more, then life can flow so much better again.

What is one area of your life that you are “shoulding” yourself? If you totally accepted yourself with this, what new possibilities could open up for you?

Please post below your comments...

If you would like to do further work together, book a FREE "Tune Into Your Heart" Session so we can unpack all your shoulds and so you can create a more balanced and self-accepting life.

When You're Banging Your Head Against the Wall

We've all been there.

"Why won't they get it? Don't they understand? Don't they care? Why can't they hear me?"

Oh that beloved feeling of frustration and anger when we just seem to not be understood. It can make us feel alone, unsafe and without any support.

I know this feeling well -- I still have a hard time with certain relationships or people in my family and community that makes me want to pull my hair out at times. I have tools, I have done tons of therapy and counselling and I strive to be a self-aware and conscious person. But emotions are emotions. They creep up and can throw us entirely off balance.

So what can be done in those circumstances, where your steam is coming out of your ears or you are in despair?

First, know that this is your point of growth. It's your opportunity to either withdraw, rage, become passive aggressive, attack or dominate, or it's your opportunity to become emotionally aware and mature in your communication.  Our culture has not given us any road maps on how to deal with anger, yet when embraced it's our greatest chance for inner strength, self-protection and the release of deeper pain.

If you want to grow in maturity, then here are some ways to parse this out.
1) Write down what it is exactly that you are angry about. Not a full letter. Just a one-line of the issue exactly. 

e.g. I'm angry that my sister won't take my advice.

2) Then write down your pain, speak it out in the mirror or share it with a friend or coach/therapist. This is where you want to explore all the emotions and circumstances that have been painful for you.  You can write pages and pages, or rant in the mirror or let it out in the healing space. Keep the focal point on what your angry issue is and try not to steer away from it. This way you will get the full release and you will be able to really get the clarity and peace.

3) Take a break, grab a drink and sit quietly with yourself. This is a huge emotional piece for you.

4) Then gently ask yourself, "what am I afraid of"? Let the answer come to you naturally without forcing it. Write down the line on the piece of paper:

e.g. "I'm afraid that my sister is going to get hurt and that I could have done something to have prevented it."

5)  Look at your anger statement. Look at your fear statement.  Can you really see the love in them? Look at how compassionate you are or how much you care about yourself or others. See how much you wish you could connect and how deeply disappointed and frustrated you are.

6) Put your hand over your heart and give yourself a lot of gentleness and kindness.  Then ask yourself, "What am I believing about myself that is causing my suffering? What am I making myself wrong for? How am I believing I'm bad?"

e.g. I believe I'm being a bad sister because my sister keeps making choices that lead to her being hurt.

Can you see the false perception of this? The need to control the situation with anger because the real issue is you? It's threatening your own goodness, soul, sense of over-responsibility,etc. 

With the example above, there is the deep desire to be a "good sister" by doing everything in my might to protect my sister. My anger and frustration that she won't take my advice comes from a deep desire to not want to see her hurt and feeling like I failed as a sister. Yet, inevitably, the anger will cause disconnect, hurt feelings and so forth.

7) What new belief can you have about yourself with this situation? What decision can you make about yourself and others?
e.g.  New Belief: "I am a good sister who is trying her best to help and protect her sister. If she gets hurt, it is not my fault." 

Decision: "I give her the dignity and respect of making her own choices. It is my job to make sure I don't get hurt by her choices that I disagree with which will cause me hurt and pain. I set healthy boundaries for me."

Interesting, eh? When you go through the layers and layers of what the anger is really about, it starts revealing a whole new level of understanding that is actually rooted in love. 

See if you can try this exercise out and let me know how it works for you!

You Deserve Support

I read somewhere a person’s description of stress and equating it with the feeling of hell. It’s like that hamster wheel we can’t get off and yet feeling like it is a constant uphill battle. Feeling scattered, small accidents, dropping things, forgetting things, getting emotionally upset, making bad choices, and going into self-destructive behaviour are all signs of being stressed out.

I believe that the remedy for getting off the stress train is support – support in all sorts of ways.  Supportive friends and family, a great pair of comfy and supportive shoes, supportive feng shui elements in the home, healthy food, people who want to see you succeed, a place in nature where you feel calm and loved, etc., a therapist who is on your side.

Because usually when we are in a rut of one thing after the next, it’s because we feel it is all up to us and we have to take it on. We have a hard time reaching out for help and sometimes feel it would take way too long to explain what it is we need exactly.  We sometimes believe the solution is something like – “I just wish someone would give me a whole bunch of cash,” or “I just want to move to a deserted island away from all the yahoos in the world and live more life in peace”.

It is especially hard if you had a childhood where there was little support or people who actively worked against you. Where you had to chart your own path and find whatever support was offered.  For people like this, including myself, asking for help and trusting it will be delivered can feel like the most gargantuan task in the world. It just seems easier to be self-sufficient. 

For clients who are taking on too much with little support in their lives, I see them come into my healing room with tense shoulders, upset by all the injustices in the world, and feeling overly responsible for the people and circumstances in their life.  Often within a few sessions, where we can release the core beliefs and the tensions, these clients come to a place of a more balanced perspective of things, and less burdened by having to take care of everything. I always encourage them to find support systems in their life, no matter how small. 

Often, though, we may not even know or trust the support when it is offered to us, because we’ve been conditioned to relate to support that eventually hurts us.  Support is meant to feel warm and fuzzy where our beings and feel relaxed and open and there are no strings attached.

This seems easier said than done.  This is why I have drafted a set of questions for you to consider when you are feeling uber-stressed and undersupported:

1)      What is stressing me out right now?

2)      What is actually stressing me out?

3)      What is really truly stressing me out?

4)      After getting the heart of the issue in question 3, what would my ideal outcome be?

5)      What do I need to feel more supported with this issue?

6)      What can I do to get this support?

7)      How does my body feel if I get this support?

8)      What 3 action steps can I take to feel more relaxed about this issue?

I would love to be someone who is on your support team to help you release the energies and relax into who you are meant to be. You deserve to have more love, balance and care in your life on all levels. 

If we haven’t done a session together for over a year, then please book a FREE “Tune Into Your Heart” Initial Session or a Life BalancePlan Session. If we have worked together recently, then you may want to check out the “Take a Time Out” Packages here. 

Here’s to your life of balance, ease and calm.